underwear gunk

est. 1975 talks "underwear gunk" - it's gynecological, it's educational, it's just plain funny! #funny #humor #womenshealth #hygiene #underwear #underweargunk #est1975blog @est1975blog

Not long after I started puberty, I became convinced that something was wrong with me. Something very wrong, and VERY gross.

A mysterious gunk had started to appear in my underwear.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

est. 1975 talks "underwear gunk" - it's gynecological, it's educational, it's just plain funny! #funny #humor #womenshealth #hygiene #underwear #underweargunk #est1975blog @est1975blog

You bet your sweet asses we are.

It was 1988 when I came into adolescence like a Wild West sheriff busting through a set of dusty saloon doors. In those days, brand new teenagers had a lot of questions, but few answers. There was no Internet back then. No World Wide Web. No comprehensive font of knowledge that everyone could access. The best a kid my age could hope for in those days was the World Book Encyclopedia, and as a source of information it had the following flaws:

  1. You had to trek all the way over to the library to look at it;
  2. You had to use it at the reference desk in front of God and everyone;
  3. It was *always* out of date; and
  4. It absolutely 100% did NOT deal with questions about yucky things happening in underpants.
est. 1975 talks "underwear gunk" - it's gynecological, it's educational, it's just plain funny! #funny #humor #womenshealth #hygiene #underwear #underweargunk #est1975blog @est1975blog
Useless.

Long story short, I found myself in a bit of a pickle when I hit my teens and began finding stuff in my panties that had never been there before. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, because mortified. And I had no place to learn about it, because 1988. So for the next TEN YEARS I just reconciled myself to the fact that I was a disgusting weirdo with a nasty vagina and white slime in her underpants.

I became so immune to the whole phenomenon that when the Internet finally did become a thing, it never occurred to me to Ask Jeeves if he ever got snail trails in his panties. (And in hindsight, I’m relieved I didn’t—I’m not sure I would have been comfortable with the results.) I continued to live on in ignorance, keeping my used panties tucked WAY down at the bottom of the hamper, and *never* letting my ex-husband do the laundry.

est. 1975 talks "underwear gunk" - it's gynecological, it's educational, it's just plain funny! #funny #humor #womenshealth #hygiene #underwear #underweargunk #est1975blog @est1975blog
I’m not going to lie. I also resorted to a lot of this.

Time passed, however, and when I reached my thirties, I noticed that my conversations with lady friends were starting to become more and more intimate. I mean, not “HEY GUYS, DO YOU EVER GET WHITE CRAP IN YOUR UNDERWEAR? I KNOW I DO!” intimate. Well—not at first. But I was hopeful that over time I would be able to broach the subject.

Finally, one day, I did.

“So . . . guys. I was kinda curious about something. I was wondering, if you can you know . . . TELL . . . I mean, just by looking, not by taking a big whiff or anything. . . if a pair of your underwear has already been worn?”

At first, silence.

Then:

“OH MY GOD. YES.”

“TOTALLY!”

“YOU MEAN, I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE?”

“WHAT IS THAT STUFF?”

“IT’S DISGUSTING.”

At which point a glorious and enlightening conversation about underwear gunk began to take shape. We talked colors. We talked consistencies. We talked dry versus wet. Smell versus no smell. “Normal” gunk versus “I should really see a doctor about this” gunk. How pregnancy made it SO MUCH WORSE.

We discussed how certain times of the month made the gunk heavier, and other times lighter. We discussed stain removal techniques. We discussed what it was called (“vaginal discharge”). What it should be called (“snizz jizz”). What we told our husbands about it (“a bird keeps pooping in my underwear.”)

est. 1975 talks "underwear gunk" - it's gynecological, it's educational, it's just plain funny! #funny #humor #womenshealth #hygiene #underwear #underweargunk #est1975blog @est1975blog
Ain’t no party like an underwear gunk party.

The entire conversation was amazing. I don’t think I’d ever felt more relieved in my life. If you’ll excuse the debased metaphor, it was as if a goopy white burden had been lifted from my 100% cotton shoulders.

Long story short, if you’re a lady, you’re gonna gross up your smalls. End of story. It’s totally normal. But it’s also one of those things they don’t tell you about in sex ed class, and most people’s mothers aren’t going to say anything about it either. So to make up for that, I’ve decided to go ahead and take on the responsibility of acting as the world’s first advocate of Underwear Gunk Awareness. Don’t believe me? Here’s my first public service announcement:

est. 1975 talks "underwear gunk" - it's gynecological, it's educational, it's just plain funny! #funny #humor #womenshealth #hygiene #underwear #underweargunk #est1975blog @est1975blog

Ladies everywhere: you’re welcome.

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Sir Thomas Gresham (1519-1579)” – Antonis Mor. Circa 1560. PD – Art. Source: The Yorck Project: 10.000 Meisterwerke der Malerei. DVD-ROM, 2002. Distributed by DIRECTMEDIA Publishing GmbH. – Modified
World Book Encyclopedia (1990). Photo taken in the library of Central European University. Source: Nataev. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.
“A Woman Praying” – Willem de Poorter. First half of 17th century. PD – Art. Source: Web Gallery of Art. – Modified
“Women Talk” – Elisabeth Nourse. Circa 1900. PD – Copyright Term Expired. Source: Nieuwe schoenen – Modified

sexy lingerie? BYE, FELICIA!

est. 1975 USED to love herself some sexy lingerie. Not anymore, my friends. Not. Anymore. #funny #humor #est1975 #est1975blog #lingerie #panties #grannypanties @est1975blog

When I first met my husband, I was 26 and he was 25. I rocked a body back then, and so did he. That time was a time of mutual physical admiration, lots and lots of getting-to-know-you sex, and (at least in my case) an almost unholy amount of tiny underthings.

Tiny underthings. Those over-sheer wisps of mesh and lace that look sexy as hell but offer basically nothing in the way of foundation or support. Tiny underthings can range from demi-bras to balconettes, gartered stockings to lace-top thigh highs, teeny bikini-cut panties to thong underwear that constitutes little more than a string and a prayer.

During that first year with my husband, I went on regular shopping sprees for new dainties. I was known to descend on the lingerie shops shrieking “TAKE MY MONEY” until my bank account was drained and a thousand tiny pink bags of useless lace fragments were mine.

est. 1975 USED to love herself some sexy lingerie. Not anymore, my friends. Not. Anymore. #funny #humor #est1975 #est1975blog #lingerie #panties #grannypanties @est1975blog
‘Twas my home away from home.

However, much to my husband’s disappointment, my flirtation with tiny underthings did not last long. Mainly because THAT SHIT IS UNCOMFORTABLE. AND EXPENSIVE. AND HIGH-MAINTENANCE. Don’t get me wrong, I cast no aspersions upon women who manage to make sexy lingerie work for them. But I myself just . . . couldn’t. Believe me, I tried.

And I failed.

You see, after about a year of tiny underthings, several realities about them became abundantly clear:

  • Tiny underthings did not play nice with my vajay. They were itchy, clammy, and yeast infection-y. My vaginal chemistry was *never* happy. I longed for a cotton gusset.
  • Tiny underthings required too much special washing and handling. My mother told me: “Buy a lingerie bag, some Woolite, and throw it all in the washing machine on delicate.” Lingerie bag? Woolite? A washing machine cycle other than “whatever it’s already on”? Yeah, none of that ever happened. I threw my expensive lingerie in the wash with towels and jeans, and watched it disintegrate instantly.
  • Tiny underthings simply don’t cut it when you’re a relatively busty woman with considerable back door biscuits. To put it bluntly, I needed lingerie with a lot more muscle and know-how. I required underwire. I required full coverage. I required reinforced straps and a serious amount of hooks. I required bras so big that my husband and I could stand side by side and wear each cup as a hat (and later did.)

So I gave up on tiny underthings, as well as the extra helping of self-confidence that comes with them. But you know what? I have no regrets. Because, you see, I no longer have quadra-boob from trying to stuff my flabby bosom into a too-small balconette bra that the Victoria’s Secret saleswomen ASSURED me would fit like a glove. I no longer have crack chafe from a gritty piece of butt floss jammed in my sweaty swamp-ass all day. And best of all? Yeast infections are at an all-time low.

est. 1975 USED to love herself some sexy lingerie. Not anymore, my friends. Not. Anymore. #funny #humor #est1975 #est1975blog #lingerie #panties #grannypanties @est1975blog
My “now” undergarments: 1) A humongous yet functional bra that is beyond mangled from having been washed repeatedly with things like jeans, sneakers, and possibly chunks of rebar; and 2) A humongous pair of granny panties that are faded as all hell but would undoubtedly work great in place of a mainsail or field tarp.

And just so you know? While I may have moved on to full-coverage old lady bras and 100% cotton underdudes years ago, I’ve only just recently taken the next step. What many might consider the LAST step. You see, I had a hysterectomy, and now there’s a big old abdominal scar that’s right where the elastic part of my old cotton panties nestle into the roll. I can’t have that anymore. I’m all numb down there, and the skin around my hysterectomy scar feels weird, and I just don’t like anything touching it. (Hyster sisters, I know you feel me.)

So what’s the solution? I hear you asking.

The solution, my dears, is granny panties. And if you don’t have any? I HIGHLY SUGGEST PICKING SOME UP. They are comfortable. They are supportive. They are beloved of hipsters everywhere. Oh, you’re worried they’re unsexy? Well to that I say: husbands and boyfriends and partners of all gender identities be damned. It’s time for them to grow up, move on from their fixation with tiny underthings, and say: “Sexy lingerie? BYE, FELICIA!”

est. 1975 USED to love herself some sexy lingerie. Not anymore, my friends. Not. Anymore. #funny #humor #est1975 #est1975blog #lingerie #panties #grannypanties @est1975blog
My feelings on the subject of lingerie THESE days.

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An earlier version of this piece was published in 2014 on BLUNTmoms.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Bloomers – Rear Image”: CC BY 2.0; File:Bloomers Rear Image.png; Uploaded by З2Х; Created: 17 July 2010
“Panties styles”: CC BY-SA 3.0; File:Panties styles – en.svg; Uploaded by Moyogo; Created: 5 June 2010 — Modified
“Victoria’s Secret Store”: CC BY-SA 3.0; File:Victoria’s Secret Store 9, 722 Lexington Ave, New York, NY 10022, USA – Dec 2012.JPG; Uploaded by WestportWiki; Created: 3 December 2012