middle school me

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax

Whether you referred to grades 6 through 8 as “middle school” or “junior high,” I’m guessing that those years were as awkward and hilarious for you as they were for me. Which is why I thought it would be fun to let my Facebook fans come up with a bunch of interview questions for Middle School Me to answer.

And true to form, you loyal so-and-sos did not disappoint. So let’s travel back in time to 1985-1988, when MTV, Guess jeans, and the Reagan administration reigned supreme!

hard-returngif

Zoe vs. The Universe: “At what age do you think you will no longer have acne?”

Middle School Me: Open your eyes, lady. I don’t have any acne.

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
Bodacious.

As you can see, I am clearly one of those awesome babes who can rock a perm, a puke-green shirt, and a flawless complexion. Needless to say, I will never have a single zit for as long as I live.

What do you mean, “adult-onset acne”? Never heard of it.

hard-returngif

Hall of Tweets: “Which celebrities do you have a crush on?”

Middle School Me: Which celebrities DON’T I have a crush on?! Directing my unrequited adolescent sexuality at completely inaccessible men who are twice my age is SO RAD! Here are the objects of just a few of my ridiculous fantasies:

 

WHAT?! GAY?! GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY. SHUT UP YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS OF HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

hard-returngif

Nicky M: “Favorite item of clothing?”

Middle School Me: The perfectly good pair of Keds that I continue to ruin decorate by drawing peace symbols all over them in permanent marker, ripping holes in them, and sticking beaded friendship pins through the laces. Duh.

hard-returngif

Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “What do your bangs look like?”

Middle School Me: This.

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
And is that a hint of mustache?

UGLY? What are you TALKING about? All the cute boys love my jacked-up teeth, forward comb-over, side wings, and one giant cross earring.

hard-returngif

Heidi C: “Have you gotten your period yet?! Isn’t it gross?”

Middle School Me: Um, yeah! I totally have! It is SO gross. All the… blood, and stuff? It barfs me out! So grody. Hey, wait here a minute. I gotta… do something for a sec.

*runs over to Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret to find some more things I can say about the period I haven’t actually gotten yet*

hard-returngif

Donna B: “If I open your locker, what non-educational items will I find? Aquanet? Tiger Beat pin up? A BFF collage?”

Middle School Me: Let’s take a look!

*creakkkk*

Okay. This is what’s in here:

1. A magnetic mirror that is so cheap and warped it shows a reflection to no man.

2. 18 million rotting lunches.

3. Aquanet.

4. A balled-up gym uniform I haven’t washed in 3 months.

5. Every single note that has been passed to me since the beginning of the school year.

6. Some shitty makeup I stole from my Mom.

7. More Aquanet.

hard-returngif

Andrea M: “Who is on the poster thumb-tacked above your bed?”

Middle School Me: Richard Marx’s hair.

hard-returngif

We Don’t Chew Glass: “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done AND did you get caught?”

Middle School Me: Once I drank a sip out of the bottle of Bailey’s that my Mom and Dad keep in the fridge. It was gross. It tasted like coffee. I didn’t get caught because the sip was only like .0000000001 ounces and my parents were in the other room watching Family Ties.

Oh, and I also double-pierced my ears with a needle and an ice cube.

hard-returngif

Foxy Wine Pocket: “How do you achieve the perfect peg in your jeans? How many ESPRIT sweatshirts do you have? What’s your favorite color of mascara?”

Middle School Me: Totally tubular questions! Here are my answers.

1. I achieve the perfect peg in my jeans by cutting off 100% of the blood supply to my ankles.

peggedjeansgif

2. I have as many ESPRIT sweatshirts as I can pressure my mother into buying me from yard sales and the clearance rack at T.J. Maxx. So like, two. And they don’t fit. BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE THEY’RE ESPRIT AND THAT’S WHAT ALL THE POPULAR GIRLS WEAR.

3. Is there any other mascara color besides blue? I don’t understand the question.

hard-returngif

Cristina G: “The dance is after school today! Which songs are you totally excited to dance to?”

Middle School Me: Oh my gawd. I am so nervous to the max. I hope they play these:

1. Bon Jovi – “Livin’ On A Prayer” Because I know a lot about the hardships of life. Like that one time I had to change in the bathroom instead of the locker room because I forgot to wear my training bra to school.

2. Prince – “U Got the Look” Because despite the fact that I’m still not even totally sure how sex works, the lyrics “Your face is jammin’/ Your body’s heck-a-slammin’/ If love is good/ Let’s get to rammin'” really speak to me.

3. George Michael – “Faith” I TOLD YOU GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY JUST LOOK AT THAT LEATHER JACKET HE IS ALL MAN AND I LOVE HIM

4. Peter Gabriel – “Sledgehammer” Because nothing says “totally cool song” than one with a stop-motion, claymation music video with oven-ready chickens dancing around in it.

5. Richard Marx  – “Hold On To The Nights” MOMmmmm noooooobody asked me to sloooooooow daaaanccccee wahhhhh *sobs forever*

hard-returngif

Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “How popular are you?”

Middle School Me: Did you see the pictures?

hard-returngif

And that’s the end of the interview! Thanks to everyone who participated, including Middle School Me, who thinks you are all a bunch of old lame-os.

If this interview wasn’t enough, and you’re still clamoring for more Middle School Me, you can see me live and in person at the “Middle School to the Max” party event on June 6th at the Blog U 2015 Conference in Baltimore, Maryland! But remember, you need to be a registered participant in the conference to get in the door. So if you want to see me in all my oversized ESPRIT sweatshirt and pegged jeans glory, make sure to head on over to Blog U’s web site and register now! THE LAST DAY TO BUY A TICKET IS MAY 15TH! #BlogU15 #MiddleSchoolToTheMax

hard-returngif

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

hard-returngif

Photo credits:
“Pegged jeans”: CC BY-SA 3.0; File:The perfect tight roll.jpg; Uploaded by Jimfox7; Created: 9 December 2012 — Modified

how to throw a frugal wedding

During the summer of 2006, my sister Cheeks and I both got married.

It was her first wedding; it was my second. She chose June; I chose August. Hers was an outdoor ceremony; mine was a church do. She later exchanged her husband for a better model; I hung onto mine.

As you can imagine, the months leading up to the summer of 2006 were a nauseating blur of “talkin’ bout wedding shit” that started to bore even us after a while. Because there are really only so many “wedding shit” chats, texts, emails, and phone calls that two people can have without wanting to drive a pair of white satin spike heels into their eyeballs.

Luckily for you, we started to entertain ourselves a little. So sit back, take a load off, and enjoy: Sarah and Cheeks’ 2006 Guide to Throwing a Frugal Wedding.

hard-returngif

THE BRIDES AND THE BRIDESMAIDS

Sarah: Okay. The first thing you have to get for a wedding is the bridal gown. We already mentioned a burlap sack. I recommend a plastic grocery bag for the headpiece. You can just jam it on over your hair. Instant veil!

Also, do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.
PRO TIP: Do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.

Cheeks: The bridesmaids can wear whatever they find in the ‘One Spot’ at Target.

Sarah: So, flip flops and a dress made of magnets.

Cheeks: baahahaha
Cheeks: and plastic bangles

Sarah: and scrunchies

Cheeks: and glitter

Sarah: and tea lights

FLOWERS AND DECORATIONS

Sarah: I think we already discussed the bouquets – sticks, dead stems, dirt, and cat barf
Sarah: held together with a 10-year-old scrunchie
Sarah: or one of those plastic claw clips that went out of style 100 years ago

Cheeks: I say boutonnieres made of leaves scraped out of the gutter
Cheeks: pinned on with those black clips you can steal from work

Sarah: BAHA
Sarah: For decorations, how about the gigantic Christmas ornaments that Mom finds on sale at “Home Goods”
Sarah: for 25 cents
Sarah: where you can clearly see the remnants of the orange “Clearance” stickers half-assedly scratched off

wedding boobs
A fabulous idea for homemade centerpieces. You’re welcome.

Cheeks: Hahaha that’s good
Cheeks: and strings of Christmas lights that half don’t work

Sarah: The outdoor kind. The huge ones. And half of them are broken and in shards.
Sarah: Also, for flowers? It’s back to Home Goods for the fakest, ugliest, cheapest ones we can find.
Sarah: “.0005 cents apiece for huge, fake, bright orange carnations with the leaves half off? I’ll take 10,000!”

Cheeks: Bahahaha
Cheeks: Of course, on clearance.

Sarah: Of course, with orange stickers.

THE MUSIC

Cheeks: For the DJ you could hook up a 20-year-old ‘tuner’ set to the AM jazz station that fritzes out every two minutes.

Sarah: No, even better – public broadcasting.

Cheeks: Bahaha like NPR

Sarah: Playing fusion jazz and world music, occasionally interrupting for “All Things Considered” and “Car Talk”

THE VENUE

Sarah: Of course, the whole ceremony will be conducted in someone’s sun room or screened-in porch
Sarah: with everyone sitting on random mismatched lawnchairs, most of which smell like the basement or cat pee.

Cheeks: Bahaha oh of course
Cheeks: with ferns encroaching on personal space

THE CATERING

Sarah: For appetizers, we will have ten-year-old biscotti in a big plastic jug from Sam’s that we can all pass around.
Sarah: For “butlered hor d’ouevres” we will have pizza rolls and “Bagel Bites”

Cheeks: taped to the cat
Cheeks: Oh and “Italian Dippers”

Sarah: BAHAHAaaaaa and mozzarella sticks
Sarah: and that artichoke dip that smells like feet
Sarah: For the main course? Campbell’s soup. “Chunky Style” if you want to splurge.
Sarah: And day old bread.

Cheeks: And salad in a bag.

THE CAKE

Sarah: For the wedding cake, we will have “defrosted” Sara Lee pound cake, and by “defrosted” I mean you could totally bust a wall down with it.
Sarah: With Breyer’s Vanilla Bean ice cream.
Sarah: For the bride and groom figures it will be one naked headless Barbie doll, and one “butch” Barbie doll with her hair cut real short, and wearing Ken’s clothes.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER

Sarah: What else is left? Oh, photography. Well, duh. DISPOSABLE CAMERAS PEOPLE

photosgif
Why not save money on photography by letting your friends take pictures with disposable cameras? Because of shit like this. That’s why.

Cheeks: Oh, not even.

Cheeks: It will be like one shitty webcam in the corner
Cheeks: broadcasting over “C-U C-Me”

Sarah: And someone will accidentally sit on it

Sarah: and release a series of farts, which will preclude any other audio from being transmitted.

Cheeks: It’s okay, it will be more entertaining than the fuzzy NPR from the tuner.

THE INVITATIONS

Cheeks: Invitations will be made in “Print Shop” with dumb church bell clip art
Cheeks: and printed on some shitty printer that leaves a bunch of lines.

Sarah: PRINT SHOP BAhhhhhh
Sarah: We’ll make them in the basement on the old Apple II+.

Cheeks: Yes and print them on dot matrix printers.

hard-returngif

Well, folks? There you have it. When you’re interested in throwing a frugal wedding you know who to ask for advice. You heard it here first!

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

confessions of a dirty wife

This past week I found myself in a creative rut. No funny anecdotes were coming to mind. No hilarious stories were chomping at the proverbial bit, begging to be told. No charming quips or caustic barbs were on the tip of my tongue, waiting at the ready.

I was in a decidedly unfunny FUNK.

So I did what I have always done during such depressing times — laid in bed and played hours upon hours of video games.

But after a week of laying around doing nothing productive beyond amassing an overly self-indulgent number of ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!s, I eventually decided that I needed to… you know. Clean up my disgusting house. Do some chores. Return phone calls that I’d been ignoring for days. As you do.

It turns out that doing this stuff was just the kick in the butt I needed. Because suddenly, as I was doing laundry and trying to de-gross my house, INSPIRATION STRUCK! And that inspiration was this: I would take pictures of the ridiculous shit in my house and show them to all of my loyal so-and-sos.

Great idea, right? RIGHT?!

Let’s begin!

hard-returngif

Let’s start here with this humongous pile of clean laundry just hanging around IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM. Why, you ask, is it hanging around in the middle of my living room? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because I got tired, dropped the baskets, and deemed the situation “Eh. Good enough.”

livingroomlaundrygif
For those of you who were thinking about blowing this picture up and looking for panties, don’t bother. My grannies are the size of bed sheets and are basically indistinguishable from any other laundry in these baskets.

In the living room, next to the piles of clean laundry that will take six weeks for me to fold and put away, we also have what I like to call The Dumbest Purchase I’ve Ever Made: the IRIS LEGO 3-Drawer Sorting System. For a mere $39.99 per three tiny drawers’ worth of almost no storage space, you can sort all of your LEGOs once… and then never again! (We have three of these useless shits.)

unsortedlegosgif
Oh, the careful and intricate organization of these LEGOs. Its beauty and composition almost makes one want to weep.

Moving into the kitchen, we come upon the following lovely tableau. I know, I know. You can barely tell it’s the kitchen, because the kitchen counter is covered with so much dirty CRAP you can’t even hardly see it. But trust me. It is the kitchen. We ostensibly prepare food here.

kitchencounter
Because the kitchen counter is absolutely the best place for a brand-new shirt and some… garbage.

Still, I like the above picture because you can *almost* see the BEST and most AWESOME picture my son has ever drawn for me. Here it is in all its glory:

jackskellingtongif
What? It’s a picture of Jack Skllnington. Don’t hate.

While I was touring the kitchen, I also noticed that the dishwasher was wide open. Yep, just wide open, with the top tray pulled out. At first I was confused, but then I remembered that I’d opened it about three hours before, intending to do the dishes. But then I was like: “Nope.” And walked away.

opendishwashergif
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Okay. So. I first noticed this next phenomenon in the kitchen but as I moved throughout the house I saw that it was more than just an anomaly – it was a PATTERN. And that pattern? Is that NONE OF THE CLOCKS IN OUR HOUSE TELL THE RIGHT TIME.

clock7gif clock6gif clock4gif clock5gif clock3gif clock2gif

clock1gif
Useful.

Hey. Hey guys. GUYS. I MADE THE BED, GUYS. This is how you do it, right? I mean, that’s where the blanket goes, right? On top of the pillows like that? And all the sheets and pillowcases should be different colors and patterns, right?

bedgif
Look at those hospital corners. You could bounce a quarter off those sheets. (If the quarter was made of a Super Ball and you flung it on the bed at 900 miles per hour.)

See anything interesting in the above picture besides the perfectly made bed? No? Are you sure? You didn’t happen to see… THIS?

urinatedgif
It’s an important question.

Our last stop is the best stop: the basement. Oh, the basement. Full of mementos and marvelous wonders, it never ceases to intrigue the mind and tickle the fancy. I know I could spend hours down there just combing through old memories if it weren’t for the fact that it smells like a MILDEWY PIECE OF SHIT.

Speaking of mementos:

momentosgif
“Ah yes, darling. Remember these… potty seats? They do indeed bring a tear of reminiscence to my eye.”

I also think it speaks volumes about my cooking habits that the roasting pan is a) in the basement, b) in its original box, c) hasn’t been used since Thanksgiving, and d) wasn’t used since the Thanksgiving before that.

roastingpangif
I really do make a mean turkey. I just make ONE A YEAR AND THAT’S IT.

And finally, over in the corner near the whatever that thing is, a delightful memory of Christmases Past:

basementgif
By the way, that dead fly and/or earwig was HUMONGOUS.

And that’s the end of our tour! Pictures that did not make it into this post include:

  1. A pair of my dirty underpants lying on the stairs;
  2. My husband’s limited edition Hellcat Records Fender guitar that he has played not even once (he never learned how);
  3.  A framed finger painting of my son’s with the somewhat disturbing title of “FINGER”;
  4.  The neatly stacked pile of gardening books sitting in the basement that I have never even cracked open; and
  5. The plungers in EVERY. SINGLE. BATHROOM. because our water pressure su~ucks. (Also we do big poops.)

hard-returngif

I hope you enjoyed this and remember! If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

hair removal, wikipedia-style (nsfw)

If you ever just happen to be awake at 3:00 AM, and if you ever just happen to be trapped next to a snoring husband, and if you ever just happen to find yourself combing the darkest depths of the Internet to keep from dying of boredom, you might just happen to stumble across the entry for “hair removal” on Wikipedia.

(I mean, not that I’ve ever done that or anything. I’m just saying you might.)

ANYWAY. If you do, it will be your awesome fortune to happen across the following image, subtitled “Sample distribution of body hair in women and men”:

hairgif

Awesome, right?

I totally appreciate what this image is trying to do. It’s trying to show us where we furry and where we not. However, while this picture may be accurate for some, it is certainly not accurate for all.

More specifically, it is not even remotely accurate for me.

So without further ado, I present to you: “Sample distribution of body hair in Sarah and men.”

hairsarahgif

Keep your masturbating to a minimum, please.

hard-returngif

EDIT:

My girl T: You forgot yo butt crack.
Me: “Butt crack not shown.” I’ll add that.