Whether you referred to grades 6 through 8 as “middle school” or “junior high,” I’m guessing that those years were as awkward and hilarious for you as they were for me. Which is why I thought it would be fun to let my Facebook fans come up with a bunch of interview questions for Middle School Me to answer.
And true to form, you loyal so-and-sos did not disappoint. So let’s travel back in time to 1985-1988, when MTV, Guess jeans, and the Reagan administration reigned supreme!
Zoe vs. The Universe: “At what age do you think you will no longer have acne?”
Middle School Me: Open your eyes, lady. I don’t have any acne.
As you can see, I am clearly one of those awesome babes who can rock a perm, a puke-green shirt, and a flawless complexion. Needless to say, I will never have a single zit for as long as I live.
What do you mean, “adult-onset acne”? Never heard of it.
Hall of Tweets: “Which celebrities do you have a crush on?”
Middle School Me: Which celebrities DON’T I have a crush on?! Directing my unrequited adolescent sexuality at completely inaccessible men who are twice my age is SO RAD! Here are the objects of just a few of my ridiculous fantasies:
WHAT?! GAY?! GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY. SHUT UP YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS OF HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.
Nicky M: “Favorite item of clothing?”
Middle School Me: The perfectly good pair of Keds that I continue to
ruin decorate by drawing peace symbols all over them in permanent marker, ripping holes in them, and sticking beaded friendship pins through the laces. Duh.
Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “What do your bangs look like?”
Middle School Me: This.
UGLY? What are you TALKING about? All the cute boys love my jacked-up teeth, forward comb-over, side wings, and one giant cross earring.
Heidi C: “Have you gotten your period yet?! Isn’t it gross?”
Middle School Me: Um, yeah! I totally have! It is SO gross. All the… blood, and stuff? It barfs me out! So grody. Hey, wait here a minute. I gotta… do something for a sec.
*runs over to Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret to find some more things I can say about the period I haven’t actually gotten yet*
Donna B: “If I open your locker, what non-educational items will I find? Aquanet? Tiger Beat pin up? A BFF collage?”
Middle School Me: Let’s take a look!
Okay. This is what’s in here:
1. A magnetic mirror that is so cheap and warped it shows a reflection to no man.
2. 18 million rotting lunches.
4. A balled-up gym uniform I haven’t washed in 3 months.
5. Every single note that has been passed to me since the beginning of the school year.
6. Some shitty makeup I stole from my Mom.
7. More Aquanet.
Andrea M: “Who is on the poster thumb-tacked above your bed?”
Middle School Me: Richard Marx’s hair.
We Don’t Chew Glass: “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done AND did you get caught?”
Middle School Me: Once I drank a sip out of the bottle of Bailey’s that my Mom and Dad keep in the fridge. It was gross. It tasted like coffee. I didn’t get caught because the sip was only like .0000000001 ounces and my parents were in the other room watching Family Ties.
Oh, and I also double-pierced my ears with a needle and an ice cube.
Foxy Wine Pocket: “How do you achieve the perfect peg in your jeans? How many ESPRIT sweatshirts do you have? What’s your favorite color of mascara?”
Middle School Me: Totally tubular questions! Here are my answers.
1. I achieve the perfect peg in my jeans by cutting off 100% of the blood supply to my ankles.
2. I have as many ESPRIT sweatshirts as I can pressure my mother into buying me from yard sales and the clearance rack at T.J. Maxx. So like, two. And they don’t fit. BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE THEY’RE ESPRIT AND THAT’S WHAT ALL THE POPULAR GIRLS WEAR.
3. Is there any other mascara color besides blue? I don’t understand the question.
Cristina G: “The dance is after school today! Which songs are you totally excited to dance to?”
Middle School Me: Oh my gawd. I am so nervous to the max. I hope they play these:
1. Bon Jovi – “Livin’ On A Prayer” Because I know a lot about the hardships of life. Like that one time I had to change in the bathroom instead of the locker room because I forgot to wear my training bra to school.
2. Prince – “U Got the Look” Because despite the fact that I’m still not even totally sure how sex works, the lyrics “Your face is jammin’/ Your body’s heck-a-slammin’/ If love is good/ Let’s get to rammin'” really speak to me.
3. George Michael – “Faith” I TOLD YOU GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY JUST LOOK AT THAT LEATHER JACKET HE IS ALL MAN AND I LOVE HIM
4. Peter Gabriel – “Sledgehammer” Because nothing says “totally cool song” than one with a stop-motion, claymation music video with oven-ready chickens dancing around in it.
5. Richard Marx – “Hold On To The Nights” MOMmmmm noooooobody asked me to sloooooooow daaaanccccee wahhhhh *sobs forever*
Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “How popular are you?”
Middle School Me: Did you see the pictures?
And that’s the end of the interview! Thanks to everyone who participated, including Middle School Me, who thinks you are all a bunch of old lame-os.
If this interview wasn’t enough, and you’re still clamoring for more Middle School Me, you can see me live and in person at the “Middle School to the Max” party event on June 6th at the Blog U 2015 Conference in Baltimore, Maryland! But remember, you need to be a registered participant in the conference to get in the door. So if you want to see me in all my oversized ESPRIT sweatshirt and pegged jeans glory, make sure to head on over to Blog U’s web site and register now! THE LAST DAY TO BUY A TICKET IS MAY 15TH! #BlogU15 #MiddleSchoolToTheMax
“Pegged jeans”: CC BY-SA 3.0; File:The perfect tight roll.jpg; Uploaded by Jimfox7; Created: 9 December 2012 — Modified