quintuple good blog tour

I have to apologize to you, my loyal so-and-sos, because this Blog Tour post is REALLY overdue. Especially when you consider I’ve been tagged to participate by not one, not two, but FIVE PEOPLE:

Jeff of Jeff and Jill Went Up the Hill

Amber of Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine

Kate of Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Chris of Pixie CD

Stickymom at Sticky Fings

But guys? Listen. Try to understand — I’ve just been super busy this month. As much as I wanted to write the Blog Tour post, I kept getting sidetracked by stuff like:

  • Avoiding the Blog Tour post;
  • Not doing the Blog Tour post;
  • Putting off the Blog Tour post; and
  • Saying “I’m going to go write that Blog Tour post!” and then sitting around watching YouTube videos.

Still, “better late than never” as they* always say, so without further ado, let’s Blog Tour!

*platitudinous morons
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What am I working on?

I am currently working on:

  • A couple of kidney stones
  • Guest posts for Meg Sanity, Abandoning Pretense, and The European Mama
  • My regular submission for BLUNTMoms
  • A painful underground zit right in the middle of my fucking cheek
  • Killing this fly
  • Holding in a fart
  • Several anthology submissions
  • Your mom

How Does Your Work Differ From Other Work in Its Genre?

I would say that my work differs from other work in its genre in that I have very few boundaries other than my steadfast refusal to use the “c” word in print. I’ll say the “c” word out loud, though. I’ll say it RIGHT TO YOUR “C” WORD FACE.

Why Do I Write What I Do?

It’s probably an obvious answer to say that I write my comedy pieces to make people laugh, but it really is just that simple. I love when I manage to turn around a reader’s crummy day with nothing more than a well-timed poop joke.

But here’s another fun fact. I started this blog as a way to teach myself to write regularly instead of — you know. Not doing it at all. And you know what? It’s worked really well. I’ve put out more original material in eight months than I have in 10 years.

How Does Your Writing Process Work?

Writing process?

BAHAHAHAHAHAkjahksjdhakjshd

*wipes tear*

Man, I don’t know. I don’t have a process. If I think of something funny, I write about it. Then I edit it until it’s acceptable for human consumption. Then I publish it.

Period. Punto.

Three Blogs I Recommend

Obviously, I love each and every one of the bloggers who tagged me. Just in case you forgot, here they are again:

Jeff of Jeff and Jill Went Up the Hill

Amber of Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine

Kate of Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Chris of Pixie CD

Stickymom at Sticky Fings

But here are three more that I *highly* recommend:

Foxy Wine Pocket

Everyone knows Foxy is my hot wet slutty blog wife. Anyone who reads me regularly (or follows me on Facebook) will not be surprised she’s in my number one slot.

*in my number one slot* *snrk*

Foxy’s blog is funny, irreverent, and full of keen observations and slick truths. She says everything we always wanted to say about parenthood but were afraid to. Start with this story about her son’s inappropriate text message, and then move onto a detailed account of her drunken adventures in real estate.

Then binge read everything else on her site.

missteenussr.com

If Foxy is my blog wife (which I accidentally just spelled “whife”), Brooke Takhar is my very favorite mistress. (You know the one I mean. The one who does *that* stuff.) An amazing writer with precious few boundaries, she recently rocked Scary Mommy with a hilarious post about dirty kid butts. She also just posted a super entertaining anecdote on her own blog about a run-in with some neighborhood tweens selling slimy Nutella-covered banana slices. I dare you not to read it.

Orange and Silver

If Foxy is my ball and chain, and Brooke is my piece on the side, then Tracy of Orange and Silver is my cyber crush. Tracy is wry, funny, and she can spin a YARN, bitches. Two of my more recent favorites are this piece about a peculiar, fanatically religious woman named Luggage Linda and this one about a recent lice outbreak.

And that’s the end of today’s Blog Tour post! Till next time!

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
Title: “BMWi, Empfang Handelsminister von Norwegen Info non-talk.svg. Depicted people: Skaug, Arne: Handels- und Wirtschaftsminister, Norwegen. Depicted place: BMWi. Date: 15 February 1960. Photographer: Steiner, Egon Institution. German Federal Archives. Source: Logo Bundesarchiv. This image was provided to Wikimedia Commons by the German Federal Archive (Deutsches Bundesarchiv) as part of a cooperation project. The German Federal Archive guarantees an authentic representation only using the originals (negative and/or positive), resp. the digitalization of the originals as provided by the Digital Image Archive. This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Germany license. Attribution: Bundesarchiv, B 145 Bild-F007576-0021 / Steiner, Egon / CC-BY-SA 3.0 — Modified

missteenussr: my tits are the pits

Today’s guest post is brought to you by one of the most talented writers you’re likely to find in the blogosphere today: the amazing Brooke Takhar of missteenussr.com. She’s a goddess of grammar, a queen of style, and best of all, she knows how to bring the funny.

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Once you go Brooke, you’ll never go back.

If you were one of those girls who read about the bust exercises in Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret and then did them secretly EVERY NIGHT FOR MONTHS, only to find out that they are actual and complete bullshit, then you must you must you must increase your bust read this post. Seriously, Damien. It’s all for you.

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True Confession (that if you’ve met me is actually no surprise at all): I have no tits. I wish I knew why my chest is so fucking flat. The other ladies in my family have handfuls of sweater meat. Did I piss off the feminine puberty gods in 1994 by shaving my head and wearing cut-off men’s pants? If so, I’d like to say: that look didn’t get me laid either so OK UNIVERSE, POINT TAKEN.

I gained weight in my twenties when I didn’t understand a steady Cool Ranch diet is actually not cool at all. Still no tits. The weight was instead lavishly distributed into meaty thighs, swaying upper arms and the sack that became my stomach. My boobs — still pristine mini-triangles of bullshittery.

I had a kid. The one up side of 10 months housing a beast that sucks you dry from the inside out, that all the pregnancy rags and tomes squeal about, is the incredible “busting-out bust” side effect. I made it to a robust A cup. Filled that fucker.

They say A is for Effort. I say A is for Actually Totally Devastating. I’m so small they don’t make my size in some bras. So when I find one that fits, I wear it back to back (to back) until it smells like a razorback gorilla used it for a tampon.

I’m so depleted of natural chest resources they’re like the last half-glug of muffin batter you pour into the 12th muffin liner, sad and alone and waiting to burn for sure. That’s me. Try that statement on for size (IF IT FITS) and understand why I was always SHIT at flirting. It’s like asking someone to build a (sex) house with no hammer. Impossible.

That feminine part of me that’s supposed to get kicked awake the first time a guy (most likely creepy, probably blue-collar) leers at my chest is fucking Rumpelstiltskin.

There are worst fates in life, I know. My face is totally viable for public consumption and I use my smile and sailor mouth to carry me through the rough seas of Titless Wonder-dom. I can run with no bra on, my shirts don’t drape weirdly, and I never have trouble eating a banana in public. As I age, my boobs won’t have to be air-lifted up into a nude-coloured support pulley system.

Small victories for a small-titted woman. Fuck it; I’ll take ‘em.

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Brooke Takhar is the author of missteenussr.com. She lives day to day hoping she can one day just do what she like. She likes jeans, ponytails, songs with galloping drums and the word ‘f-ck.’ Her work can also be found on BLUNTmoms.