how to throw a frugal wedding

During the summer of 2006, my sister Cheeks and I both got married.

It was her first wedding; it was my second. She chose June; I chose August. Hers was an outdoor ceremony; mine was a church do. She later exchanged her husband for a better model; I hung onto mine.

As you can imagine, the months leading up to the summer of 2006 were a nauseating blur of “talkin’ bout wedding shit” that started to bore even us after a while. Because there are really only so many “wedding shit” chats, texts, emails, and phone calls that two people can have without wanting to drive a pair of white satin spike heels into their eyeballs.

Luckily for you, we started to entertain ourselves a little. So sit back, take a load off, and enjoy: Sarah and Cheeks’ 2006 Guide to Throwing a Frugal Wedding.

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THE BRIDES AND THE BRIDESMAIDS

Sarah: Okay. The first thing you have to get for a wedding is the bridal gown. We already mentioned a burlap sack. I recommend a plastic grocery bag for the headpiece. You can just jam it on over your hair. Instant veil!

Also, do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.
PRO TIP: Do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.

Cheeks: The bridesmaids can wear whatever they find in the ‘One Spot’ at Target.

Sarah: So, flip flops and a dress made of magnets.

Cheeks: baahahaha
Cheeks: and plastic bangles

Sarah: and scrunchies

Cheeks: and glitter

Sarah: and tea lights

FLOWERS AND DECORATIONS

Sarah: I think we already discussed the bouquets – sticks, dead stems, dirt, and cat barf
Sarah: held together with a 10-year-old scrunchie
Sarah: or one of those plastic claw clips that went out of style 100 years ago

Cheeks: I say boutonnieres made of leaves scraped out of the gutter
Cheeks: pinned on with those black clips you can steal from work

Sarah: BAHA
Sarah: For decorations, how about the gigantic Christmas ornaments that Mom finds on sale at “Home Goods”
Sarah: for 25 cents
Sarah: where you can clearly see the remnants of the orange “Clearance” stickers half-assedly scratched off

wedding boobs
A fabulous idea for homemade centerpieces. You’re welcome.

Cheeks: Hahaha that’s good
Cheeks: and strings of Christmas lights that half don’t work

Sarah: The outdoor kind. The huge ones. And half of them are broken and in shards.
Sarah: Also, for flowers? It’s back to Home Goods for the fakest, ugliest, cheapest ones we can find.
Sarah: “.0005 cents apiece for huge, fake, bright orange carnations with the leaves half off? I’ll take 10,000!”

Cheeks: Bahahaha
Cheeks: Of course, on clearance.

Sarah: Of course, with orange stickers.

THE MUSIC

Cheeks: For the DJ you could hook up a 20-year-old ‘tuner’ set to the AM jazz station that fritzes out every two minutes.

Sarah: No, even better – public broadcasting.

Cheeks: Bahaha like NPR

Sarah: Playing fusion jazz and world music, occasionally interrupting for “All Things Considered” and “Car Talk”

THE VENUE

Sarah: Of course, the whole ceremony will be conducted in someone’s sun room or screened-in porch
Sarah: with everyone sitting on random mismatched lawnchairs, most of which smell like the basement or cat pee.

Cheeks: Bahaha oh of course
Cheeks: with ferns encroaching on personal space

THE CATERING

Sarah: For appetizers, we will have ten-year-old biscotti in a big plastic jug from Sam’s that we can all pass around.
Sarah: For “butlered hor d’ouevres” we will have pizza rolls and “Bagel Bites”

Cheeks: taped to the cat
Cheeks: Oh and “Italian Dippers”

Sarah: BAHAHAaaaaa and mozzarella sticks
Sarah: and that artichoke dip that smells like feet
Sarah: For the main course? Campbell’s soup. “Chunky Style” if you want to splurge.
Sarah: And day old bread.

Cheeks: And salad in a bag.

THE CAKE

Sarah: For the wedding cake, we will have “defrosted” Sara Lee pound cake, and by “defrosted” I mean you could totally bust a wall down with it.
Sarah: With Breyer’s Vanilla Bean ice cream.
Sarah: For the bride and groom figures it will be one naked headless Barbie doll, and one “butch” Barbie doll with her hair cut real short, and wearing Ken’s clothes.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER

Sarah: What else is left? Oh, photography. Well, duh. DISPOSABLE CAMERAS PEOPLE

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Why not save money on photography by letting your friends take pictures with disposable cameras? Because of shit like this. That’s why.

Cheeks: Oh, not even.

Cheeks: It will be like one shitty webcam in the corner
Cheeks: broadcasting over “C-U C-Me”

Sarah: And someone will accidentally sit on it

Sarah: and release a series of farts, which will preclude any other audio from being transmitted.

Cheeks: It’s okay, it will be more entertaining than the fuzzy NPR from the tuner.

THE INVITATIONS

Cheeks: Invitations will be made in “Print Shop” with dumb church bell clip art
Cheeks: and printed on some shitty printer that leaves a bunch of lines.

Sarah: PRINT SHOP BAhhhhhh
Sarah: We’ll make them in the basement on the old Apple II+.

Cheeks: Yes and print them on dot matrix printers.

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Well, folks? There you have it. When you’re interested in throwing a frugal wedding you know who to ask for advice. You heard it here first!

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

halfass smoky eye tutorial

If you’re a loyal so-and-so, you know that about six weeks ago I held a contest on the est. 1975 Facebook page for people to swing by and drop their best blog post ideas on me. Three winners were chosen, with the prize being:

  • An awesome blog post, written by my awesome self, about their awesome winning topic;
  • A bunch of est. 1975 vinyl stickers;
  • A free plug on my site; and
  • A surprise that may or may not have ended up being a pop-up card.

The second winning idea (read the first at “10 after 30”) comes from my girl B, and though she doesn’t want or need a plug, I still want to assure you guys that she’s a really cool lady. B enjoyed my post “halfass makeup tips” a while back and was wondering if I could help her achieve a quick and somewhat halfass smoky eye while not making her “look like a hooker.” To which I said that I would rise to the challenge and teach y’all

HOW TO DO A HALFASS SMOKY EYE

To kick this off, I asked my girl T (who just happens to be a Cosmetics Queen and Smoky Eye Extraordinaire) to select a YouTube tutorial for me to use as a baseline. She chose the one below, and it’s a terrific pick because:

  • It’s a very good tutorial, but at the same time it’s kind of long and overly complicated. Which is all the better for me to show you how to “half ass” it in comparison.
  • The makeup artist makes some weird elephant-being-fucked-in-the-butt noise at the beginning.


Makeup Tutorial by YouTube artist Megan McTaggart: “Naked 3 Tutorial”

I highly recommend watching this tutorial as you read along with this post. The makeup artist clearly knows what she’s doing, and if you follow her instructions you will learn how to do a lovely yet subtle smoky eye. No question about it. But if you’re like me — very lazy, a little bit cheap, and truly in the market for something quick and halfass — we’re going to have to cut her tutorial down to size.

Before we start, I would just like to mention that I do already own the eyeshadow palette used in the above YouTube video. I’m not going to front – it’s expensive as shit, and I had to ask for it for Christmas. DO NOT GO OUT AND BUY IT JUST TO DO A HALFASS SMOKY EYE. To help you keep this whole process on the cheap, I’ve included a picture of each eyeshadow, so that you can substitute something you already own, or search the Internet for a cheap dupe.

On that note, let’s start beating our face!

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Behold my red, wrinkly, naked eyelid. This is our vaguely ball sac-looking blank canvas.

STEP ONE. Highlight the brow bone. Our makeup artist’s first step was to highlight her brow bone with a $20 Benefit Cosmetics’ High Brow pencil and then blend it with a $15 Sigma E15 makeup brush. I’m going to interrupt here and tell you that I don’t have any of this shit, so like my grandmother during the Depression, I made do with what I had.

Using an old crusty sample of YSL TOUCHE ÉCLAT Radiant Touch that I dug out of the bottom of my makeup case, I spent about .005 seconds smearing a vague highlight under my eyebrow and then blending it in with my dirty gross finger. NOTE: If I hadn’t stumbled across the Touche Éclat sample, I would have completely skipped this step because meh. 

Thank God I had this shit laying around.
You better believe I only used this because I had a free sample. This shit costs more than $40 a tube. NOPE!

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STEP TWO. Prime the eyelid. Our makeup artist’s next step was to prime her eyelid with Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion. I took her advice here, because:

  • I actually do own some UD primer potion; and
  • I have incredibly greasy eyelids. If I don’t use primer, my eyeshadow slides off my face onto the floor.

NOTE: If you don’t already have this product, and if you don’t have Seriously Oily Problem Eyelids like I do, consider this step worth skipping.

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STEP THREE. Apply a base eyeshadow. Next, our makeup artist applied the shade Limit as a base eyeshadow, mainly on and above her eyelid crease. Those of you paying attention will mark this as the first step I’m actually recommending that you *don’t* skip. Gurl, you always need a base.

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Urban Decay describes Limit as a “light dusty rose matte.” I describe it as “like a taupe or something.”

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STEP FOUR. Highlight the brow bone… again? Next our makeup artist applied the shade Strange directly to her already-existing brow highlight.

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Urban Decay describes Strange as “pale neutral pink matte-satin.” I describe it as “dingy diaper.”

“But Sarah,” I hear you saying. “It seems like she’s just using a vaguely dirty-pink eyeshadow to trace over what she’s already done with a vaguely dirty-pink eyebrow pencil.” Yep. That’s exactly what’s she’s doing. And I’ve gotta say that I find highlighting your highlight to be a little redundant. NOTE: SKIP!

Here’s me after applying Limit and Strange, not with a clean $15 Sigma E40 Blending Brush as recommended, but with whatever moderately not-disgusting brush I had available:

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Me after applying Limit on and above the eyelid crease, and Strange directly on top of the brow highlight. As I said before, I would skip the Strange next time. Nobody likes pointless Strange.

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STEP FIVE. Start applying “the smoke.” Our makeup artist’s next step was to start applying what I’ll call the “smoke.” Taking a shade called Darkside, she used a $24 MAC 217 Blending Brush to swirl it around the outside corner of her eyelid.

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Urban Decay calls Darkside a “deep taupe-mauve satin.” Or, you know. Gray.

Here’s me after mashing some Darkside around the outside corner of *my* eyelid with whatever piece-of-shit didn’t-cost-me-no-$24 makeup brush I could find. I’ll also mention that it took me WAY LESS than the 40 seconds it took our makeup artist. Like, 38 less seconds.

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Me after applying Darkside to the outer corner of my eyelid. SMOKY!

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STEP SIX. Continue applying lid color. Our trusty makeup artist then continued to flesh out the smoky eye by applying a shade called Burnout to the remaining 1/3 of the lid, followed by a shade called Liar over the center of the lid to create a gradient effect.

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Urban Decay calls Burnout “a light pinky-peach satin.” I call it “these descriptions are starting to piss me off.”
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Urban Decay: “Medium metallic mauve shimmer.” Me: “Brown.”

The makeup artist then beefed up the “smoke” with a highly pigmented shade called Blackheart.

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Urban Decay calls this a “smoky black matte w/rosy red micro-sparklOH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE IT’S BLACK

To reinforce the “smoke,” she basically just darkened that same corner of the eyelid a little more and then blended it all out with the $65 million dollar blending brush she has on loan from the Queen of England.

Here’s me after applying Burnout, Liar, and Blackheart (and blending for about .002 seconds):

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See the gradient? Isn’t it GREAT-ient? I’ll show myself out.

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STEP SEVEN. Tightline and waterline. For those of you who don’t know what this means, I’ll sum it up for you: IT MEANS STICKING AN EYELINER PENCIL PRACTICALLY INTO YOUR DAMN EYEBALL. Needless to say, I say a hearty “FUCK THAT” to this step. NOTE: Just put some regular black eyeliner on the edges of both your upper and lower lids. No need to get fancy.

Here’s me after blending a little and throwing on some regular old Maybelline eyeliner:

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You’ll notice that my top eyeliner doesn’t reach across as far as my bottom eyeliner. This is because I fucked up. THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT MY GIRL T

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STEP EIGHT. Conceal yo eye bags. This is where I completely departed from the YouTube tutorial. At this point, the makeup artist started to throw three or four additional shades of eyeshadow under and around her lower lash line… and girlfriend, I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE PINKS AND PURPLES AND GRAYS UNDER MY EYES THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I HAVE QUITE ENOUGH AND AS A MATTER OF FACT I WOULD LIKE LESS.

So instead of accentuating the negative, I chose to cover up my eye baggage. I personally like the Benefit Fake Up stick because it has a moisturizer built right into it, but it is very pricy and not really necessary. This is a halfass makeup tutorial, after all. Use what you already have/what works best for you.

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Coverin’ up dem eye bags. This picture is before blending, obvi.

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STEP NINE. Mascara. Continuing with the trend of “not doing what the YouTube tutorial said to do,” I completely eschewed liquid liner and false eyelashes because AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT. Instead, I used one single coat of Benefit’s They’re Real mascara (which some people hate) followed by *several* coats of the bestiest mascara in the whole damn world: Cover Girl Clump Crusher (which everyone loves.)

This was the result:

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Sure, they’re no falsies. But who the fuck has time for falsies? Not me, RuPaul.

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STEP TEN. Eyebrows… and Done! I’ve been accused of being overly self-deprecating on this site. But I’m going to step away from that for a second and admit to y’all that my eyebrows are pretty good. And by that I mean they aren’t a lot of trouble. They have a decent natural shape, they aren’t too thick, they aren’t overly sparse in places, I haven’t over-plucked them into oblivion, etc.

Still, whenever I do my eyes I like to at least touch up my brows, and I mainly use two products: the Clinique Brow Keeper Pencil and Brush (which I got ten years ago) and the Urban Decay Brow Box (a more recent acquisition.) With these tools I basically just fill my brows in, brush them out, apply a bit of wax, and voila! NOTE: You don’t have to do *any* of this shit if you’re perfectly happy with your eyebrows the way they are. They’re not going to affect your smoky eye in the least bit. Go ahead and skip this step if you’ve a mind to.

And here’s the finished product!

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Halfass smoky eye IN YOUR FACE!

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And that’s the end! My girl T accused this of being a “3/4 assed smoky eye” so if you’re still overwhelmed, here’s a *very* simple TL:DR.

These are your ESSENTIAL steps and there aren’t that many of them. Witness:

1. Apply a light taupe base shadow on and above the crease.

2. Apply a medium gray to the outside corner of the lid.

3. Achieve a gradient effect by using taupe on the inner lid and a brownish color in the center.

4. Reinforce the “smoke” with a dark gray or black eyeshadow.

5. Blend.

6. Eyeliner.

7. Mascara.

See? Easy as pollution. GET IT? POLLUTION? SMOKE? SMOKY EYE? GET IT?

I’m out.

back in black

"back in black," in which est. 1975 explains the reason for her black wardrobe. #funny #humor #fashion #est1975 #est1975blog @Sarah (est. 1975)

If memory serves, and at my age it often doesn’t, I was about 24 years old when I made the Very Serious Life Decision to wear Mostly Black.

I use the qualifier “Mostly” for these reasons:

1. Black may be my color of choice, but as you can see from the picture below, my wardrobe actually incorporates black, white, and all the 50 shades of gray in between. (See what I did there? I made you think about sex.)

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2. Sometimes I throw caution into the wind and try out an “accent” color. Subtle pieces, nothing crazy. A pink shell tank here. A pair of espresso brown ankle boots there. Tumultuous dalliances outside of my comfort zone that don’t last long. Goodwill ends up with most of these items within six months.

3. Pajamas don’t count. They’re not real clothes. I’ll wear any old clearance shit to bed, no matter what color. Who cares? Nobody sees that shit except for my husband, my son, and everybody in car line.

Anyway…. never mind all that. The important thing is Mostly Black.

So why did I make the decision in early 2000 to purge my closet of the flannel and chambray button-downs of the early 1990’s, the pastel sweater sets of the late 1990’s, and the peasant skirts and off-the-shoulder tops that were costume de rigueur at the time? Why did I turn my life into the Adventure in Greyscale it is today?

Here we go.

1. Black is slimming. Because I was SUPER fat back then. Like, RIDICULOUSLY fat.

I mean, I was a good 50 pounds lighter than I am now. And I could wear pencil skirts and button-down tops and other items of fitted clothing that now explode at the seams if I dare to even look at them. And I could actually shop at The Limited without every gay employee in the entire store rolling their eyes and stage whispering “oh girl” to anyone standing nearby.

NO, BUT REALLY GUYS. I WAS SO FAT. Just look:

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24 years dumb.

2. Everything matches. I don’t know about you guys, but I could not be lazier when it comes to accessorizing. Who has the time to match their lipstick to their fingernails to their purse to their pumps? Not me, that’s who – I have a fuck-load of a television to watch. But if all of your clothes are black, and all of your shoes are black, and all of your bags are black, and all of your jewelry is black or metallic, you’re good to go no matter what shit you slap on in ten seconds.

3. You don’t have to worry about your makeup. Smoky eye? That goes with black. Neutral lid? That goes with black. Some glittery, glammed-out, sparkles-and-unicorn-cum Ziggy Stardust concoction you came up with at 3 in the morning after drinking an entire bottle of Courvoisier? Girl, you better believe that goes with black.

Ziggy knows.

4. I was in mourning. After my son Edward VII involved himself in an unsavory affair with an Irish actress named Nellie Clifden, my husband Prince Albert was forced to travel to Cambridge to confront him about his misdeeds. The two of them took a long walk in the rain to discuss Edward’s philandering, and upon his return my dear Albert fell ill and died. I was absolutely sick with grief, and I wore widow’s weeds every day from his death in 1861 to my own in 1901. And if you haven’t figured out that I’m talking about Queen Victoria by now you seriously need to SCHOOL YO’SELF.

5. If all of your underwear and pants are black, you never have to worry about period stains. You’re welcome.

So that’s that. I’ve worn Mostly Black for close to fifteen years now, earning me delightful nicknames such as “Wednesday Addams,” “June Carter Cash,” and “Where’s the Funeral?” This same wardrobe has also prompted my grandmother to ask my mother approximately 2397234987 times when I am going to start “wearing a little color.” I’m sorry, Grandma. I love you dearly. But the answer is probably never. Seriously, did you read the thing about the period stains? And the slimming thing? And the thing about the makeup?

For real.

And speaking of Queen Victoria, watch this right now and laugh (language is NSFW.)

from That Mitchell and Webb Look (BBC2)

halfass makeup tips

Dear Readers of the Makeup Wearing Variety:

Do you find putting on a whole face of cake to be too much work? Do you wish you could cut your time at the vanity table in half? Do you wish you knew some helpful tips and tricks for those times when you’re hung over, running thirty minutes late, and/or incapable of pulling yourself out of the crippling abyss of depression?

In short — do you want to look good, but not actually that good?

Then you’ve come to the right place.

I’ve compiled a list of “helpful” makeup tips that you can use any time you need to be presentable but not particularly attractive. Consider the look you will achieve with these tips to be something along the lines of: “Yeah. I took a few minutes to put myself together. Not long enough to actually look that great, though. Because then it would seem like I care. Which I don’t. Enjoy.” 

Let’s get started!

TIP #1. Haven’t had the time to deal with your ladystache? No problem! Take your trusty tweezers and just pluck out the 3 really dark hairs at each corner of your lips. Then cover the rest up with 10 pounds of concealer. You’re welcome.

TIP #2. Haven’t had the time to deal with your eyebrows? Not to worry! Take your trusty tweezers, look at them with disgust, toss them aside, and whip out some white or off-white eye shadow. Use this as a base on the area above your eyelids, and it will go a long way to conceal those revolting little eyebrow hairs that start worming their way out of your upper lid area .001 seconds after you’ve paid $30 for a wax.

TIP #3: Too much hassle to apply and reapply lipstick all day? Whatever. Just fill your whole lip in with lip liner. Then apply Chapstick over the top, or Carmex if you want to smell like a greasy hospital. Aaaand done!

TIP #4: Spending way too much time on your fancy, expensive eyeshadow palettes? Why bother spending 25 minutes creating the perfect “smoky eye” or “neutral eye” or “rosy butthole” (that’s a thing, right?) when you can just smash all the colors together in 20 seconds and call it good?

TIP #5: Drag queens are amazing with contouring, but it looks like it takes forever! Forget the queens. Just do this 15 second trick. Take an overly dark blush (I think the kids call them “bronzers” these days) and paint a “3” on the left edge of your face — from forehead to cheekbone to chin. Then do a reverse “3” on the right edge. Voila! Don’t forget to blend or else you really will look like a drag queen. Which, if you’re not a drag queen, isn’t cute.

TIP #6: I just don’t have the patience for primer, BB cream, concealer, highlighter, foundation, powder, and blush. Girl, nobody does. Just stick some concealer on your eye bags and biggest zits, then dust off your nose with powder. “Contour” as instructed in Tip #5 and then add a little blush to the apples of your cheeks. It won’t look fabulous, but it will look decent fine serviceable meh.

Now you’re done! You’ve saved so much time and energy! And you look… okay. Which can actually be a good thing. Liberating. Practical. Especially if you’re not looking for romantic attention, the approval of people prettier than you, a leg up at your job, the grudging respect of your sexual competition, the occasional flirtation with your barista, special treatment in restaurants, free drinks in bars and nightclubs, or, you know. Compliments.

Hope this helped!

Love, Sarah

dude shops like a lady

About a year ago my husband stopped using his personal Amazon account and started using mine. Neither one of us remembers why he did this, but if I had to guess, I’d say it probably had something to do with a 30-day Prime trial I’d signed up for. But it’s not important. All you really need to know is that he’s used my Amazon account ever since.

Anyway, before my husband started using my account, a brief review of my order history would have revealed a lot of items like this:

  • Makeup
  • Nail polish
  • Twee video games
  • Shape wear
  • Jewelry
  • Skin care products
  • Women’s clothing
  • Women’s accessories

But over the past year, the order history on my account has started to look more like this:

  • Makeup
  • Nail polish
  • Bike parts
  • Sweat socks
  • Twee video games
  • Barbecue gloves
  • A weather radio
  • More bike parts
  • Shape wear
  • Jewelry
  • Skin care products
  • Still more bike parts
  • Women’s clothing
  • Tennis tape for men

Just a stereotypical heterosexual married couple sharing an Amazon account. As you do.

No big deal.

A little while ago, however, after our end-of-the-year flurry of Christmas purchases, Amazon began suggesting some very interesting (and slightly confusing) items as “Featured Recommendations.” Read on and make of them what you will.

Recommendation #1

Kryolan Eyebrow Plastic Stick Eyebrow Cover Wax

Kryolan Eyebrow Plastic Stick Eyebrow Cover Wax

When this recommendation popped up on the bottom of my screen, it struck me as a little strange, but not that strange. I buy a lot of makeup, and this is essentially stage makeup, so it’s not a ridiculous leap for the Amazon algorithm to make.

Also, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t complaining. It was makeup. I love makeup. If anything, I wanted to take a closer look. So I checked out the reviews, and that’s when I read that one reviewer had purchased this particular product because he’d “started doing drag performances in the area and needed a good way to conceal [his] eyebrows.”

Huh.

Okay. Well, no big deal. Drag queens wear makeup too. Obviously.

But then I noticed that Amazon had recommended at least half a dozen more Kryolan products for my perusal. Which seemed weird, because I’d never even heard of that brand before. I’d certainly never bought any of its products. So I got to Googling.

It turns out that Kryolan cosmetics are in fact the cosmetics of choice for many gorgeous queens. And as I read more about the Kryolan product line, I came across quite a few testimonials echoing this sentiment:

“Kryolan: This has been the best makeup I have ever used in my drag career and [I] will stand by them. I use their TV Paint Stick, which is perfect for stage and photography. Their makeup is meant for stage, theatre, and photography work and this is the product queens should be using.” – Cee-Cee LaRouge, Chicago drag queen 

What a discovery! There was a bunch of kickass drag makeup in my Featured Recommendations! I was suddenly torn between a) wanting to buy about a thousand dollars’ worth of Kryolan products RIGHT NOW and b) wanting to rewatch all five seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race RIGHT NOW. (Funnily enoughKryolan sponsored Season 3 of Drag Race. Surprised? Of course you aren’t.)

After managing to restrain myself from doing either of these things, it occurred to me that I hadn’t come any closer to solving the mystery of why Kryolan products were showing up in my Amazon recommendations. Well, other than the likelihood that Amazon probably doesn’t know where regular makeup ends and stage/drag makeup begins. Which is kind of shabby for an online provider as massive as Amazon, but clueless straight men. So I get it.

Then I saw these:

Recommendation #2

Elegant Lashes: Black Thick Super-Long 100% Human Hair False Eyelashes for Dancers, Drag Queen, Halloween, Costume, Rave

Elegant Lashes: Black Thick Super-Long 100% Human Hair False Eyelashes for Dancers, Drag Queen, Halloween, Costume, Rave

All right, so this recommendation was a little bit weirder, mainly because I’ve never bought or worn a pair of false eyelashes in my entire life. Still, like the eyebrow cover wax, I guess they kind of fall into the makeup/cosmetics category. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re buying a lot of makeup and nail polish online, there’s a point where Amazon just throws its hands in the air and says: “Girl, just buy some damn lashes.”

Again, not a completely unreasonable stretch. I mean, I personally wouldn’t choose “Black Thick Super-Long 100% Human Hair False Eyelashes for Dancers, Drag Queen, Halloween, Costume, Rave” as my first venture into the land of fake eyelashes, but different strokes for different folks. The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. And etc.

But THEN.

Recommendation #3

LoveFifi Men’s Transformation Gaff

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LoveFifi Men’s Transformation Gaff

This, in no uncertain terms, is a man-panty. If for some reason you feel awkward about clicking over to learn more, I’ll do you a solid and paste an excerpt of the product description here:

“Our stretch spandex mesh panty redistributes and re-invents your lower body. The front is double lined to flatten your front comfortably. An extra wide cotton-lined crotch provides a soft place to tuck what you’ve got.”

While the majority of reviewers of this product seem to be cross-dressers and transvestites, there are definitely a few drag queens weighing in with their opinions. (I do seem to remember that some queens prefer gaffs to tucking.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now. Let’s discuss where in fresh hell Amazon got the idea that I would need to buy a man-panty. I mean, I’ll freely admit that I’ve bought a few some many foundation garments through Amazon. Come on. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Bike short type things to prevent chub rub. Compression rompers. Slips. Control-top pantyhose. Minimizer bras. Seriously, I’m almost 40 and I’ve birthed a baby. I should probably change my family crest to say: “Shape Wear: Now and Always.”

But a gaff is a far cry from a Spanx high-waisted brief. A gaff has a specific purpose and that is to HIDE YO GENITALS. Any gender can partake of one, but typically when you hear the word “gaff” in modern culture, it’s referring to a garment that hides the peen. And I don’t have a peen. And my husband has no desire to hide the one he’s attached to. If anything, he probably wants it to look HUGER.

So why, Amazon? Why are you recommending to me that I wear a man-panty? Or ridiculously long and camp fake eyelashes? Or eyebrow gum? Why? WHY?

Well. Here’s my theory.

If asked to take a look at an Amazon purchase history representing both “stereotypically male” and “stereotypically female” items, I’m guessing that most of us would probably come to one of the following conclusions:

  1. This account is shared by a man and a woman.
  2. This account is not shared, but is owned by one person who makes purchases for a diverse group of people (e.g. a parent who shops for the entire family.)
  3. This account is owned by a cross dresser, transvestite, or transgendered person.
  4. This account is owned by a drag queen.

I’m going to guess that conclusions #1 and #2 are statistically more probable, with #3 trailing from a distance, but still very much representin’. And I feel like a mathematical calculation like a predictive algorithm should take statistical likelihoods into consideration. Right. RIGHT?

But guys. GUYS. We should know that Amazon is not your average retailer. Their gift wrap has achieved record-setting levels of hideousness. And they have DRONES, for Christ’s sake. It should come as no surprise to us that Amazon would choose to fly in the face of probability and jump STRAIGHT TO CONCLUSION #4.

DRAG. QUEEN.

That’s right, ladies and gentleman. It’s the Amazon Drag Queen Algorithm. And I have discovered it.

Don’t worry — I’m not passing any moral judgment on the algorithm in any way whatsoever. I just wanted to point out that I’m pretty sure it exists, and I think this blog post proves it. Before my husband joined my account and started to buy “manly” things? Amazon was all like “Hey. You’re a woman.” After my husband joined my account and started to buy “manly” things? Amazon was all like “Hey. You’re a man. Who likes make up, nail polish, and compression underwear. Want to take a look at our fine selection of drag accoutrements? Step this way!”

Case closed.

(Oh! And lest you think that the Featured Recommendations I’ve already discussed are not enough evidence to support the Amazon Drag Queen Algorithm, the following items were also on my list:

  • wig caps
  • spirit gum
  • silicon breast prosthetics
  • *two* other transformation briefs, including one called the “What a Butt! Bareback Gaff”)

Case DOUBLE closed.