sheet stains

There has been a smear of liquid foundation on my bed sheet for a week.

It looks like poop. And it’s right at about butt level, too. If someone were to accidentally wander into my bedroom, they would probably jump to the conclusion that I’d sharted during sex.

I know *I* would jump to that conclusion.

est. 1975 has a stain in her bed and she is not doing shit about it. #funny #humor #stain #bed #est1975 #est1975blog @est1975blog
My husband and I. About every single stain and/or smell that appears in our bed.

Fortunately, only my husband, my son, and I ever go into my bedroom. And I know this to be the case. So when I was doing my makeup in bed (why) and accidentally pumped my little bottle of foundation too hard and squirted it all over the sheets (dumb), I made the controversial decision to:

  1. Give it a half-assed blot with some toilet paper.
  2. Abandon the pretense.
  3. Toss the duvet over it and act like nothing ever happened.

I didn’t decide these things because I’m lazy (I am). I didn’t decide them because I’m gross (also yes). I decided them because I hate changing sheets with Every. Fiber. Of. My. Being.

est. 1975 has a stain in her bed and she is not doing shit about it. #funny #humor #stain #bed #est1975 #est1975blog @est1975blog
You see an unmade bed. I see the stuff of nightmares.

Now, now. Calm your tits. Don’t go running to the phone to inform Social Services that I’m an unfit wife and/or mother. I may be gross but I’m not that gross. I change the bed sheets just as regularly as anyone else. It’s just that in this particular instance I had JUST changed them. Like the DAY before.

And I really, really, really didn’t want to change them again.

I felt a *teensy* bit guilty about not doing it. Just a teensy. So I had a mini-conversation with myself in order to justify my reasoning:

Me: “You should probably change those sheets.”

Myself: “Don’t be ridiculous. Look at that. It’s just an itty bitty blemish on an otherwise pristine set of sheets.”

Me: “But it looks like poop.”

Myself: “So?”

Me: “So, poop is gross.”

Myself: “It might look like poop, but it isn’t poop. There’s no smell. There’s no germs. There’s no hygiene issue here.”

Me: “But…”

Myself: “Oh, so you really want to rip off all the sheets and fucking do all that work right now?”

Me: “No.”

Myself: “Well, then.”

Me: “ . . . ”

Myself: “Do we have any Cheetos? I’m hungry for Cheetos.”

And thus the sheets remain unchanged.

Oh, don’t judge. When my son was just a little guy with what I would characterize as an “unpredictable esophagus,” I was changing sheets constantly. That kid could barf, and he did it a lot. Every time he ate something funny. Every time he got stressed. Every time he caught a cold. Every time he took a ride in the car. Every time anything happened at all. He was a master of the violent and overly productive retch, and a disproportionate amount of this retching happened at night. In bed. On clean sheets.

est. 1975 has a stain in her bed and she is not doing shit about it. #funny #humor #stain #bed #est1975 #est1975blog @est1975blog
If my son was the Christ child.

Still. A mom has to do what a mom has to do. My husband and I swiftly came to an arrangement: he cleaned up the kid, and I cleaned up the sheets. Each of us did these jobs reluctantly, but we did them nonetheless, looking stoically forward to the day that our son would grow out of his incessant horking. Which he eventually did.

Then, what seemed like a blink of an eye later, the nightly nosebleeds started.

It turned out that my son had a bunch of blood vessels in his nose that were too close to the surface, and he ended up needing nasal cautery surgery to fix the problem. But it took us about a year to a) definitively diagnose the problem, b) try out non-surgical options, and then c) convince our son that he was not going go to into surgery and wake up dead.

A whole year. Of bloody pillowcases and sheets.

*shakes head*

*sighs*

Fortunately, my son is now six and he no longer pukes at the drop of a hat. The nosebleed problem is solved. There are no more overnight accidents (which I didn’t even bother to mention, because we all know what those entail.) And last but not least: our two elderly cats, who were also a dab hand at expressing biohazard all over our bed sheets, have at long last crossed the Rainbow Bridge. So I’m finally back on a “normal” routine of changing the linens.

So, a smear of foundation? It didn’t come from a butt. It didn’t come from a nose. It didn’t come from an unpredictable esophagus. It is NOT EVEN A THING. It can wait till the weekend.

IT. CAN. WAIT. Trust.

This, on the other hand:

est. 1975 has a stain in her bed and she is not doing shit about it. #funny #humor #stain #bed #est1975 #est1975blog @est1975blog
Aw hell no.

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An earlier version of this piece was published in 2014 on BLUNTmoms.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Woman Washing Kettle”: Artist Adriaan de Lelie (1755–1820); Title “Woman scrubbing a kettle”; Date 1796; Source/Photographer; http://hdl.handle.net/11259/collection.37848 — Modified
“Virgin and Child: Title “The Virgin and Child,” a painting attributed to the Master of Flemalle; Date 6 March 2013; Source ArtDaily.com — Modified
“Unmade Bed”: Date 18 April 2005, 01:04:01; Source Flickr; Author Liz Lawley — Modified
“Couple in Bed”: Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (1864–1901); Title “In the Bed”; Date 1893; Source/Photographer The Yorck Project: 10.000 Meisterwerke der Malerei. DVD-ROM, 2002. ISBN 3936122202. Distributed by DIRECTMEDIA Publishing GmbH. — Modified

cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975

July 4th, 2006. Independence Day.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the best of times because I was young, I was thin, and I was about to get married to a fine piece of Spanish man meat. It was the best of times because my sister Cheeks was visiting and she was staying with me for a whole week.

It was the best of times because back then we had no family obligations to prevent us from getting drunk, playing video games, and staying up until Bad Idea o’Clock.

But it was also the worst of times, because right in the middle of my sister’s visit, a quantity of rust-colored water that I could only classify as “OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL?” began to pour down the walls of my apartment and Would. Not. Stop.

The water was clearly coming from the apartment of my upstairs neighbor – let’s just call him Drug McDealer – and when I bolted up the stairs to tell him “your home is leaking, and also don’t shoot me,” he did not answer my panicky knock.

In what was probably not my smartest decision, I planted my ear firmly against the door and listened. Nothing. No sounds, no movement, and thankfully no bullet blasting through the door, down my ear canal, and into my brain. Mr. McDealer was not at home, and my ear lived to hear another day.

I ran back down the stairs to my apartment and called the “emergency” maintenance service, but as with my upstairs neighbor, nobody answered. I left a message, but an unacceptable amount of time followed during which I heard not a word from them, so I called again. Still nothing. In the meantime, my bathroom, furnace room, linen closet, and hallway were becoming saturated with water that looked A LOT like piss but thankfully wasn’t.

Needless to say, my sister and I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing while the maintenance people were busy *not* classifying our situation as an emergency, so we jerry-rigged a temporary solution. Notice the water *actively* dripping into the bowls:

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
A sophisticated water containment system that you can feel free to usurp as your own.

Finally, at around 10 P.M., the “emergency” maintenance service called me back and agreed to send someone over. And boy did they. About ten minutes later, a man who could have easily played the role of Schneider in One Day at a Time showed up at the door and introduced himself to us as “Wally.”

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
Wally.

Wally came inside and investigated for about .0000001 seconds before wisely determining that the water was “coming from the upstairs apartment.” He left us and went to let himself into La Casa del McDealer. He finally came back down after about an hour and a half and told us: “Don’t worry. It looks like your neighbor went out of town and accidentally left the water running. I turned it off and the leaks should stop soon.”

I nodded, relieved. In fact, I was so happy to have the problem solved that I didn’t ask myself ANY of the following questions:

  • Does it really take an hour and a half to turn off a faucet?
  • Who leaves their water running while they’re on vacation?
  • No, really. Who does that? Like nobody, right? Unless you’re in a television sitcom or something. Am I right?

At last it was time for Wally to take his leave, and after a little while the leaks did stop, just as the goodly maintenance man had promised. Cheeks and I cleaned up the fallout as best as we could – ignoring for the moment the bubbling ceiling plaster and the dirty yellow water stains all over the walls. It was around two in the morning, after all, and we were tired. We headed bedwards.

Imagine our surprise and disgust when we woke up to find that all of the leaks had sprung up again overnight.

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
Sigh.
est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
I’m sure all this water dripping into the furnace/mechanics room was totally, totally safe.

I had to go into work that day, so my sister was on “repulsive water duty” until I could get home. In the meantime, I called the property management company and told them:

  • That Wally the Maintenance Man was Full of Shit. It was clear to me now that he had discovered a real problem up there, but didn’t want to deal with it at 10 PM, and just slapped a Band-Aid on it that he thought would hold until morning. But didn’t.
  • That my apartment walls, vents, and ceiling were obviously now full of water and I didn’t trust the property management company to clean it up thoroughly enough to not cause a mold problem later.
  • THAT I WANTED A NEW APARTMENT. LIKE NOW.

Luckily for me there was a vacant townhouse in the complex, and after a stressful rent negotiation, it was allowed that I could move in the very next day. Unfortunately, that meant that Cheeks and I were going to have to spend yet another night in The Land of One Thousand Leaks. But we had to make the best of it, and what better way to make the best of it than a PRETEND TEA PARTY!

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
In this photo we see Cheeks partaking of the finest “Dirty Water Champagne” and a hearty bowl full of “Filthy Urine-Lookin’ Nastiness Soup.” Please note the bottle of wine, white linen napkin, and full place setting including knife and fork.
est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
Sarah sits in front of her sparkling clean furnace room door and toasts the competence of her trusty maintenance man Wally with a glass of Martini & Grossi Asti Spumante.

The next day I took off work and we spent the entire day moving my stuff in the hot hot heat of a Midwestern July. Well, let me rephrase. My husband, his brother, his father, and my best guy friend spent the entire day moving my stuff in the hot hot heat of a Midwestern July, while my sister and I fucked around doing absolutely nothing.

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
We thought this nugget of wisdom was worth preserving for all the ages.

At one point my sister and I walked from my old apartment to the new apartment carrying literally ONE HAMBURGER BUN. And funny you should ask! I *do* have pictures of it!

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
THIS ONE SINGLE HAMBURGER BUN IS BREAKING CHEEKS’ BACK.
est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
I CAN BARELY LIFT THIS DAMN THING!

After we were done, we were all starving, so we went to a local Greek place and ordered the best, saltiest Greek pizza that ever was. And we ate SO. MUCH. of it. Seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten that much before or since. But it was worth it. Even though Cheeks and I literally woke up in the middle of the night needing to drink all the water that ever was:

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
I’m pretty sure olives are grown in orchards. Aren’t they grown in orchards?
est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975
Yes, Cheeks. Yes it was.

All in all, even though the Great Gross Water Disaster of Ought Six was disgusting, inconvenient, and ruinous to many of my personal possessions, it left me with a great story to tell and lots of laughs in retrospect. Including my favorite from Cheeks:

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975

I don’t know, Cheeks. Maybe I’ll ask him. After all, he did leave me his number:

est. 1975 spins a lovely yarn in "cheeks, leaks, and drug mcdealer" about when her apartment was suddenly flooded with pee-colored water. #funny #humor #leaks #water @est1975blog #est1975blog #est1975

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Schneider”: Television still of Pat Harrington, Jr. as Schneider in One Day at a Time.

confessions of a dirty wife

This past week I found myself in a creative rut. No funny anecdotes were coming to mind. No hilarious stories were chomping at the proverbial bit, begging to be told. No charming quips or caustic barbs were on the tip of my tongue, waiting at the ready.

I was in a decidedly unfunny FUNK.

So I did what I have always done during such depressing times — laid in bed and played hours upon hours of video games.

But after a week of laying around doing nothing productive beyond amassing an overly self-indulgent number of ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!s, I eventually decided that I needed to… you know. Clean up my disgusting house. Do some chores. Return phone calls that I’d been ignoring for days. As you do.

It turns out that doing this stuff was just the kick in the butt I needed. Because suddenly, as I was doing laundry and trying to de-gross my house, INSPIRATION STRUCK! And that inspiration was this: I would take pictures of the ridiculous shit in my house and show them to all of my loyal so-and-sos.

Great idea, right? RIGHT?!

Let’s begin!

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Let’s start here with this humongous pile of clean laundry just hanging around IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM. Why, you ask, is it hanging around in the middle of my living room? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because I got tired, dropped the baskets, and deemed the situation “Eh. Good enough.”

livingroomlaundrygif
For those of you who were thinking about blowing this picture up and looking for panties, don’t bother. My grannies are the size of bed sheets and are basically indistinguishable from any other laundry in these baskets.

In the living room, next to the piles of clean laundry that will take six weeks for me to fold and put away, we also have what I like to call The Dumbest Purchase I’ve Ever Made: the IRIS LEGO 3-Drawer Sorting System. For a mere $39.99 per three tiny drawers’ worth of almost no storage space, you can sort all of your LEGOs once… and then never again! (We have three of these useless shits.)

unsortedlegosgif
Oh, the careful and intricate organization of these LEGOs. Its beauty and composition almost makes one want to weep.

Moving into the kitchen, we come upon the following lovely tableau. I know, I know. You can barely tell it’s the kitchen, because the kitchen counter is covered with so much dirty CRAP you can’t even hardly see it. But trust me. It is the kitchen. We ostensibly prepare food here.

kitchencounter
Because the kitchen counter is absolutely the best place for a brand-new shirt and some… garbage.

Still, I like the above picture because you can *almost* see the BEST and most AWESOME picture my son has ever drawn for me. Here it is in all its glory:

jackskellingtongif
What? It’s a picture of Jack Skllnington. Don’t hate.

While I was touring the kitchen, I also noticed that the dishwasher was wide open. Yep, just wide open, with the top tray pulled out. At first I was confused, but then I remembered that I’d opened it about three hours before, intending to do the dishes. But then I was like: “Nope.” And walked away.

opendishwashergif
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Okay. So. I first noticed this next phenomenon in the kitchen but as I moved throughout the house I saw that it was more than just an anomaly – it was a PATTERN. And that pattern? Is that NONE OF THE CLOCKS IN OUR HOUSE TELL THE RIGHT TIME.

clock7gif clock6gif clock4gif clock5gif clock3gif clock2gif

clock1gif
Useful.

Hey. Hey guys. GUYS. I MADE THE BED, GUYS. This is how you do it, right? I mean, that’s where the blanket goes, right? On top of the pillows like that? And all the sheets and pillowcases should be different colors and patterns, right?

bedgif
Look at those hospital corners. You could bounce a quarter off those sheets. (If the quarter was made of a Super Ball and you flung it on the bed at 900 miles per hour.)

See anything interesting in the above picture besides the perfectly made bed? No? Are you sure? You didn’t happen to see… THIS?

urinatedgif
It’s an important question.

Our last stop is the best stop: the basement. Oh, the basement. Full of mementos and marvelous wonders, it never ceases to intrigue the mind and tickle the fancy. I know I could spend hours down there just combing through old memories if it weren’t for the fact that it smells like a MILDEWY PIECE OF SHIT.

Speaking of mementos:

momentosgif
“Ah yes, darling. Remember these… potty seats? They do indeed bring a tear of reminiscence to my eye.”

I also think it speaks volumes about my cooking habits that the roasting pan is a) in the basement, b) in its original box, c) hasn’t been used since Thanksgiving, and d) wasn’t used since the Thanksgiving before that.

roastingpangif
I really do make a mean turkey. I just make ONE A YEAR AND THAT’S IT.

And finally, over in the corner near the whatever that thing is, a delightful memory of Christmases Past:

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By the way, that dead fly and/or earwig was HUMONGOUS.

And that’s the end of our tour! Pictures that did not make it into this post include:

  1. A pair of my dirty underpants lying on the stairs;
  2. My husband’s limited edition Hellcat Records Fender guitar that he has played not even once (he never learned how);
  3.  A framed finger painting of my son’s with the somewhat disturbing title of “FINGER”;
  4.  The neatly stacked pile of gardening books sitting in the basement that I have never even cracked open; and
  5. The plungers in EVERY. SINGLE. BATHROOM. because our water pressure su~ucks. (Also we do big poops.)

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I hope you enjoyed this and remember! If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.