During the summer of 2006, my sister Cheeks and I both got married.
It was her first wedding; it was my second. She chose June; I chose August. Hers was an outdoor ceremony; mine was a church do. She later exchanged her husband for a better model; I hung onto mine.
As you can imagine, the months leading up to the summer of 2006 were a nauseating blur of “talkin’ bout wedding shit” that started to bore even us after a while. Because there are really only so many “wedding shit” chats, texts, emails, and phone calls that two people can have without wanting to drive a pair of white satin spike heels into their eyeballs.
Luckily for you, we started to entertain ourselves a little. So sit back, take a load off, and enjoy: Sarah and Cheeks’ 2006 Guide to Throwing a Frugal Wedding.
THE BRIDES AND THE BRIDESMAIDS
Sarah: Okay. The first thing you have to get for a wedding is the bridal gown. We already mentioned a burlap sack. I recommend a plastic grocery bag for the headpiece. You can just jam it on over your hair. Instant veil!
Cheeks: The bridesmaids can wear whatever they find in the ‘One Spot’ at Target.
Sarah: So, flip flops and a dress made of magnets.
Cheeks: and plastic bangles
Sarah: and scrunchies
Cheeks: and glitter
Sarah: and tea lights
FLOWERS AND DECORATIONS
Sarah: I think we already discussed the bouquets – sticks, dead stems, dirt, and cat barf
Sarah: held together with a 10-year-old scrunchie
Sarah: or one of those plastic claw clips that went out of style 100 years ago
Cheeks: I say boutonnieres made of leaves scraped out of the gutter
Cheeks: pinned on with those black clips you can steal from work
Sarah: For decorations, how about the gigantic Christmas ornaments that Mom finds on sale at “Home Goods”
Sarah: for 25 cents
Sarah: where you can clearly see the remnants of the orange “Clearance” stickers half-assedly scratched off
Cheeks: Hahaha that’s good
Cheeks: and strings of Christmas lights that half don’t work
Sarah: The outdoor kind. The huge ones. And half of them are broken and in shards.
Sarah: Also, for flowers? It’s back to Home Goods for the fakest, ugliest, cheapest ones we can find.
Sarah: “.0005 cents apiece for huge, fake, bright orange carnations with the leaves half off? I’ll take 10,000!”
Cheeks: Of course, on clearance.
Sarah: Of course, with orange stickers.
Cheeks: For the DJ you could hook up a 20-year-old ‘tuner’ set to the AM jazz station that fritzes out every two minutes.
Sarah: No, even better – public broadcasting.
Cheeks: Bahaha like NPR
Sarah: Playing fusion jazz and world music, occasionally interrupting for “All Things Considered” and “Car Talk”
Sarah: Of course, the whole ceremony will be conducted in someone’s sun room or screened-in porch
Sarah: with everyone sitting on random mismatched lawnchairs, most of which smell like the basement or cat pee.
Cheeks: Bahaha oh of course
Cheeks: with ferns encroaching on personal space
Sarah: For appetizers, we will have ten-year-old biscotti in a big plastic jug from Sam’s that we can all pass around.
Sarah: For “butlered hor d’ouevres” we will have pizza rolls and “Bagel Bites”
Cheeks: taped to the cat
Cheeks: Oh and “Italian Dippers”
Sarah: BAHAHAaaaaa and mozzarella sticks
Sarah: and that artichoke dip that smells like feet
Sarah: For the main course? Campbell’s soup. “Chunky Style” if you want to splurge.
Sarah: And day old bread.
Cheeks: And salad in a bag.
Sarah: For the wedding cake, we will have “defrosted” Sara Lee pound cake, and by “defrosted” I mean you could totally bust a wall down with it.
Sarah: With Breyer’s Vanilla Bean ice cream.
Sarah: For the bride and groom figures it will be one naked headless Barbie doll, and one “butch” Barbie doll with her hair cut real short, and wearing Ken’s clothes.
Sarah: What else is left? Oh, photography. Well, duh. DISPOSABLE CAMERAS PEOPLE
Cheeks: Oh, not even.
Cheeks: It will be like one shitty webcam in the corner
Cheeks: broadcasting over “C-U C-Me”
Sarah: And someone will accidentally sit on it
Sarah: and release a series of farts, which will preclude any other audio from being transmitted.
Cheeks: It’s okay, it will be more entertaining than the fuzzy NPR from the tuner.
Cheeks: Invitations will be made in “Print Shop” with dumb church bell clip art
Cheeks: and printed on some shitty printer that leaves a bunch of lines.
Sarah: PRINT SHOP BAhhhhhh
Sarah: We’ll make them in the basement on the old Apple II+.
Cheeks: Yes and print them on dot matrix printers.
Well, folks? There you have it. When you’re interested in throwing a frugal wedding you know who to ask for advice. You heard it here first!