a christmas chat with cheeks and my girl T

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It’s been too long, my loyal so-and-sos! Which is why I wanted to give you guys something funny to read before the holidays. Check it out while you’re waiting in line for seven hours at Target tonight, or while you’re waiting for your kids to FALL ASLEEP GOD DAMN IT on Christmas Eve, or while you’re delivering a big brown Christmas present to the toilet.

Speaking of presents, consider this blog post my holiday gift to you! Albeit a crummy one that you totally don’t even want. And that has the remnants of a scratched-off clearance sticker still on it. And that also looks suspiciously used and gross. “Enjoy!”

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WARNING! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU:

  • Love Christmas
  • Think everyone else should love Christmas
  • Are full of the Christmas spirit
  • Are full of any kind of holiday spirit at all
  • Actually enjoy having your kids home over Winter Break
  • Think cooking, cleaning and hosting are JUST! SO! MUCH! FUN!
  • Can get through the holidays without 17 gallons of boozy eggnog
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Cheeks and I enjoying some boozy eggnog last Christmas. DEM CHRISTMAS NERLS!hard-returngif

Forging ahead, then? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So a couple of days ago, my sister Cheeks, My Girl T, and I were online having a lovely, cheery, holly-jolly Christmas chat. Except for the lovely, cheery, and holly-jolly parts. What I’m saying is that it was mostly complaining. Complaining about a) men, b) Christmas, and c) men that do nothing to help over Christmas. So, all of them.

Let’s go!

Sarah:
Yay the Christmas tree fell over and broke a ton of ornaments and ruined some presents

Cheeks:
Oh no really? Was it the cat?

Sarah:
Nope, it just tipped over

T:
AIGHHHHHHH

Cheeks:
Aww man that sucks so bad

Sarah:
It’s probably because the new carpet is so squishy
The new carpet which is already disgusting and stained everywhere

Cheeks:
What did you do? Can you rescue the tree?

Sarah:
Yeah, not only did I have to basically decorate it myself last night, I had to do it again this morning

Cheeks:
Ugh

Sarah:
I also like how I am the only one who can do a dish or wash a clothes

Cheeks:
Your husband needs to help more
For reals

Sarah:
Oh like your fiancé is just a paragon of housekeeping lol

Cheeks:
Lol well he does clean the dishes at least
But he also cannot wash a clothes

Sarah:
Or change a litter

Cheeks:
Oh I don’t do any of the cat chores anymore since two pregnancies
It’s why he hates the cats so much haha

Sarah:
Oh please
I saw the “cleaned” litter

Cheeks:
Well I have low standards

Sarah:
Don’t worry my husband doesn’t do it either unless I throw a fit

Cheeks:
Your husband really helps out around the tennis court

Sarah:
Bahaha

Cheeks:
Kinda like how my fiancé helps out around the sailboat

Sarah:
Lmao
My husband is all I CAN’T HELP TODAY BECAUSE I HAVEN’T DONE ANY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Cheeks:
Oh lord
What a Christmas dumbass

Sarah:
Do you know how many people he has to buy presents for? Like 3.

Cheeks:
Right?

Sarah:
Me, our son, and his dad.
I’ve done everyone else for him already.

Cheeks:
I made my fiancé do his own family and he was on Amazon like… yesterday
Paying a million dollars for shipping

Sarah:
Oh my husband didn’t even get me half the things I wanted because they wouldn’t get here in time
Even though I gave him my Christmas list like 5 weeks ago

Cheeks:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Sarah:
CAN’T WAIT!

Cheeks:
Can’t wait! For the food I have to plan and cook!
Can’t wait! For this gift I bought myself and also wrapped for myself!

Sarah:
I especially loved being told four times yesterday that I have no Christmas spirit
I threw a fit

Cheeks:
lol good
Want to know what dumbass thing my fiancé did? Chartered a sailboat the whole week of Christmas

Sarah:
WHAT

Cheeks:
He thought it would be fun family times

T:
Fun for who

Cheeks:
Certainly not me when I’m getting sick from being below decks with two screaming babies

Sarah:
UGH
That’s horrible

Cheeks:
I told him he should just go sailing on his own and I wouldn’t mind
But no
He won’t go if he’s not dragging all of us into it
Because FAMILY

T:
That sounds horrible

Cheeks:
Lol I do not know WTF

Sarah:
I would have said hell no

Cheeks:
“You know what Christmas needs? A sporting adventure!”

Sarah:
“On the high seas!”

T:
I just picked my nail and it shattered and flew into both eyes

Sarah:
Kind of like my Christmas tree

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“Merry” Christmas, everyone! “Happy” Holidays!

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

how to throw a frugal wedding

During the summer of 2006, my sister Cheeks and I both got married.

It was her first wedding; it was my second. She chose June; I chose August. Hers was an outdoor ceremony; mine was a church do. She later exchanged her husband for a better model; I hung onto mine.

As you can imagine, the months leading up to the summer of 2006 were a nauseating blur of “talkin’ bout wedding shit” that started to bore even us after a while. Because there are really only so many “wedding shit” chats, texts, emails, and phone calls that two people can have without wanting to drive a pair of white satin spike heels into their eyeballs.

Luckily for you, we started to entertain ourselves a little. So sit back, take a load off, and enjoy: Sarah and Cheeks’ 2006 Guide to Throwing a Frugal Wedding.

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THE BRIDES AND THE BRIDESMAIDS

Sarah: Okay. The first thing you have to get for a wedding is the bridal gown. We already mentioned a burlap sack. I recommend a plastic grocery bag for the headpiece. You can just jam it on over your hair. Instant veil!

Also, do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.
PRO TIP: Do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.

Cheeks: The bridesmaids can wear whatever they find in the ‘One Spot’ at Target.

Sarah: So, flip flops and a dress made of magnets.

Cheeks: baahahaha
Cheeks: and plastic bangles

Sarah: and scrunchies

Cheeks: and glitter

Sarah: and tea lights

FLOWERS AND DECORATIONS

Sarah: I think we already discussed the bouquets – sticks, dead stems, dirt, and cat barf
Sarah: held together with a 10-year-old scrunchie
Sarah: or one of those plastic claw clips that went out of style 100 years ago

Cheeks: I say boutonnieres made of leaves scraped out of the gutter
Cheeks: pinned on with those black clips you can steal from work

Sarah: BAHA
Sarah: For decorations, how about the gigantic Christmas ornaments that Mom finds on sale at “Home Goods”
Sarah: for 25 cents
Sarah: where you can clearly see the remnants of the orange “Clearance” stickers half-assedly scratched off

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A fabulous idea for homemade centerpieces. You’re welcome.

Cheeks: Hahaha that’s good
Cheeks: and strings of Christmas lights that half don’t work

Sarah: The outdoor kind. The huge ones. And half of them are broken and in shards.
Sarah: Also, for flowers? It’s back to Home Goods for the fakest, ugliest, cheapest ones we can find.
Sarah: “.0005 cents apiece for huge, fake, bright orange carnations with the leaves half off? I’ll take 10,000!”

Cheeks: Bahahaha
Cheeks: Of course, on clearance.

Sarah: Of course, with orange stickers.

THE MUSIC

Cheeks: For the DJ you could hook up a 20-year-old ‘tuner’ set to the AM jazz station that fritzes out every two minutes.

Sarah: No, even better – public broadcasting.

Cheeks: Bahaha like NPR

Sarah: Playing fusion jazz and world music, occasionally interrupting for “All Things Considered” and “Car Talk”

THE VENUE

Sarah: Of course, the whole ceremony will be conducted in someone’s sun room or screened-in porch
Sarah: with everyone sitting on random mismatched lawnchairs, most of which smell like the basement or cat pee.

Cheeks: Bahaha oh of course
Cheeks: with ferns encroaching on personal space

THE CATERING

Sarah: For appetizers, we will have ten-year-old biscotti in a big plastic jug from Sam’s that we can all pass around.
Sarah: For “butlered hor d’ouevres” we will have pizza rolls and “Bagel Bites”

Cheeks: taped to the cat
Cheeks: Oh and “Italian Dippers”

Sarah: BAHAHAaaaaa and mozzarella sticks
Sarah: and that artichoke dip that smells like feet
Sarah: For the main course? Campbell’s soup. “Chunky Style” if you want to splurge.
Sarah: And day old bread.

Cheeks: And salad in a bag.

THE CAKE

Sarah: For the wedding cake, we will have “defrosted” Sara Lee pound cake, and by “defrosted” I mean you could totally bust a wall down with it.
Sarah: With Breyer’s Vanilla Bean ice cream.
Sarah: For the bride and groom figures it will be one naked headless Barbie doll, and one “butch” Barbie doll with her hair cut real short, and wearing Ken’s clothes.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER

Sarah: What else is left? Oh, photography. Well, duh. DISPOSABLE CAMERAS PEOPLE

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Why not save money on photography by letting your friends take pictures with disposable cameras? Because of shit like this. That’s why.

Cheeks: Oh, not even.

Cheeks: It will be like one shitty webcam in the corner
Cheeks: broadcasting over “C-U C-Me”

Sarah: And someone will accidentally sit on it

Sarah: and release a series of farts, which will preclude any other audio from being transmitted.

Cheeks: It’s okay, it will be more entertaining than the fuzzy NPR from the tuner.

THE INVITATIONS

Cheeks: Invitations will be made in “Print Shop” with dumb church bell clip art
Cheeks: and printed on some shitty printer that leaves a bunch of lines.

Sarah: PRINT SHOP BAhhhhhh
Sarah: We’ll make them in the basement on the old Apple II+.

Cheeks: Yes and print them on dot matrix printers.

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Well, folks? There you have it. When you’re interested in throwing a frugal wedding you know who to ask for advice. You heard it here first!

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

dad needs new ears

The following is a phone conversation I had with my awesome, albeit 72-year-old, father today. As you will see, it starts out just fine. Then it quickly degenerates into ME YELLING EVERYTHING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.

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*ring*

Dad: “Hello there!”
Me: “Hey, Dad.”
Dad: “What’s up?”
Me: “Not much. I’m just calling to see if you got the check from Cheeks.”
Dad: “What?”
Me: “Cheeks and I put some money together so you could buy a new cell phone, remember?”
Dad: “Oh! Yes. I remember.”
Me: “Well, she sent you a check a while ago. Did you get it?”
Dad: “Get what?”
Me (louder): “THE CHECK.”
Dad: “No, I didn’t get a text.”
Me (more louder): “NOT A TEXT.  A CHECK.”
Dad (irritated): “Nobody sent me a text!”
Me (even more louder): “NOT A TEXT, DAD. A CHECK. C-H-E-C-K.”
Dad: “A what?”
Me (the loudest): “A CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Dad: “A check?”
Me: “YES.”
Dad: “A check for what?”
Me: “SO YOU COULD BUY A NEW PHONE.”
Dad: “No, I didn’t get a check.”
Me: “Okay. Great. That’s what I was calling to find out.”
Dad: “…”
Me: “ARE YOU THERE?”
Dad (annoyed): “Yes!”
Me: “So for sure there’s no check there?”
Dad: “No check.”
Me: “All right, I’ll tell her to put a stop payment on that one and send you another one.”
Dad: “Another what?”
Me: “GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD” *jumps off cliff*

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

my sister the hoarder

From 1975 to 1983, my life was golden. I was an only child, I got all of my parents’ attention, and most importantly, I didn’t have to share a bedroom.

Then my sister came along and RUINED. EVERYTHING.

Ha ha. Only kidding. My sister and I have a fantastic relationship. There’s always been a real give and take there, you know? Even when she was really small. She would trail along behind me wherever I went, all doe-eyed and loving and worshipful… and in return I would chase her around the house, shrieking at the top of my lungs about how I was going to “put her in the oven and cook her up.”

Give and take, people. Give and take.

Anyway, I was just going through some old chat archives and I happened to stumble upon this chat my sister and I had in 2006. It’s about her hoarding and slovenly ways, and we both think it’s pretty funny.

(By the way, my sister and I have agreed that she shall be referred to from now on as “Cheeks.”)

(Why?)

(She got buns, hon.)

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Cheeks: okay so I’m organizing my jewelry box
Cheeks: I have some seriously old crap in here

Sarah: oh god
Sarah: if I never cleaned mine out it would be ASS

Cheeks: all those heart pins with my name on them
Cheeks: half a “Best Friends” pin and I have no idea who has the other half
Cheeks: one earring from your wedding
Cheeks: a GIRL SCOUT pin
Cheeks: a piano pin given to me by my piano teacher
Cheeks: a “Lisle Balloonfest” pin
Cheeks: this shit is hilarious
Cheeks: an “Angel on your Shoulder” pin I used to wear in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Cheeks: an “All Star” soccer pin

Sarah: yeah because you were just such an “All Star” at soccer
Sarah: LISLE BALLOONFEST, you didn’t even go to that!
Sarah: you were like not even born!

Cheeks: I KNOW
Cheeks: WHY DO I HAVE THIS

Sarah: you have it because you STOLE IT FROM MOM

Cheeks: but I was like… seven
Cheeks: so why the crap do I STILL have it
Cheeks: a pin of the Olympic torch. I shit you not.

Sarah: how big is your jewelry box, 800 tons?

Cheeks: not anymore!
Cheeks: my god
Cheeks: too funny

Sarah: do you have any “friendship bracelets”?

Cheeks: no, just the “Best Friends” pin
Cheeks: like… why

Sarah: the “Lisle Balloonfest” one is probably the worst.

Cheeks: I dunno, this “All Star” soccer pin and Olympic torch
Cheeks: and the one random Girl Scout pin

Sarah: hahah you used to be really into Girl Scouts though, weren’t you?

Cheeks: sure, but when I was 8!
Cheeks: it’s amazing the shit the younger me found fit to save
Cheeks: and what the older me was too lazy to clean up

Sarah: you dont even know how much I threw out of yours

Cheeks: bahaha
Cheeks: I believe it

Sarah: one time Mom paid me $50 to clean your room and I threw out SIXTEEN BAGS OF TRASH

Cheeks: OMG I remember that, and I was so pissed
Cheeks: I mean seriously, way to completely violate someone’s privacy

Sarah: dude
Sarah: believe me
Sarah: I’m sure you didn’t want a bunch of stained purple plastic purses (that used to be MINE) full of used tampons, pennies, sanitary napkin wrappers, pens that didn’t even work anymore, and 10-year-old gum

Cheeks: bahaha

Sarah: trust me I didn’t throw out ANYTHING you might have really wanted to save
Sarah: oh and I forgot to mention the 8,000 pounds of cheap makeup Mom would buy you that you would use once, throw in your purse, then step on accidentally and break it, so not only would the makeup be ruined but the purse would be covered on the inside with light blue eyeshadow chunks

Cheeks: bahahaha
Cheeks: touché

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Cheeks and I.

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
Artist: Albert Anker (1831–1910). Title: The little knitters. Date 1850-1900. Source/Photographer: Unknown, First uploaded to Commons 00:58, 20 March 2006 by User: Rlbberlin. Licensing: This is a faithful photographic reproduction of a two-dimensional, public domain work of art. The work of art itself is in the public domain. — Modified

nothing’s sacred

So this is the thing about being my friend. If you’re my friend, and you send me a hilarious text or instant message, there’s an almighty good chance it might end up here for all the world to see. Because writing original blog posts is hard and I need to capitalize on other people’s wit I just think it’s unfair to give short shrift to my friends’ collective comedic genius when I could be sharing it with all of you loyal so-and-sos.

I’m always thinking of others like that.

Onward!

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So I COULDN’T FUCKING POOP was having some bowel problems right after my recent surgery. Here is Kelly Fox of Foxy Wine Pocket being all kinds of supportive:

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But not to worry! After an excruciating TEN days of constipation, a poop did finally arrive! So I sent this text to my husband:

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Unfortunately, resuming what I’ll call “the back door call of nature” did not end all of my post-operative woes. After about two weeks, my episiotomy stitches started to dissolve/come loose and my perineum became really irritated. I called my doctor and left a message, but to no avail:

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Then My Girl T decided to join in:

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My sister is always good for a laugh. Here she is with a “parenting pro tip” I think we can all get behind:

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Here she is weighing in on “The Great Eyebrow Debate: Plucking v. Waxing”:

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And no est. 1975 Social Media Roundup (phrase courtesy of The Hollywood Sigh) would be complete without My Girl T and her random non sequiturs:

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Oh! While I’m posting screenshots of Facebook stuff, I should share with you that est. 1975’s Facebook page was lucky enough to have its first troll this month. I think I handled it pretty well:

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Well, that’s about it for letting my friends write my blog post for me this little peek into my social media universe. I’ll let Kelly Fox of Foxy Wine Pocket say my goodbye for me:

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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my girl T-isms

You loyal so-and-sos remember my girl T, right?

If not, I’ll refresh your memory with these prompts:

  • One of my absolute besties
  • Makeup expert extraordinaire
  • Funnier than I am
  • Leaves cranky comments when I talk about her in posts

My girl T is a fan favorite around here so I thought what better way for you to get to know her than through one of my fabulous “-isms” posts? And also this picture:

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My girl T and I refer to this picture as the one in which she “looks like a thumb.”

Enjoy!

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T: I’m glad I just ate 100 calories worth of Nerds, satisfying

T: Also can you tell me why they make tankinis with the backs cut out?
T: I want to cover up my stomach but I would really like my back fat to hang out a hole

Me: Sometimes I just feel so stupid initiating sex with my husband
Me: like… HEY BABY
Me: COME NUZZLE MY CHINS
T: GET OFF MY GUT
Me: GET AWAY FROM MY STANK CROTCH
T: DON’T RUB MY LEGS
Me: GET AWAY FROM MY HEMORRHOID
T: PUT A BLANKET OVER THE WINDOWS
Me: TURN OFF THE LIGHT AND NEVER TURN IT ON AGAIN
T: JUST STICK IT UNDER THE BLANKET
Me: AREN’T YOU FINISHED YET I’M SWEATY
T: AREN’T YOU FINISHED YET SOMETHING SMELLS

T: The warrior pose is excellent for ripping your vagina
Me: LMAO
Me: The triangle pose is also excellent for that
T: The tree pose is excellent for bruising your inner thigh
T: The sun salutation is excellent for seeing your husband’s toenail clippings on the floor
T: The chair pose is excellent for making you realize you have the knees of an 80-year-old man

T: I can’t decide whether to poop or barf
(later)
T: Poop then barf then pee on myself was the route I apparently chose