how my parents facetime

"how my parents facetime" -- In which est. 1975 and her sister Cheeks imitate their parents on FaceTime. #funny #humor #blog #comedy #facetime #est1975blog @est1975blog

Me: Have you talked to Dad?

Cheeks: Not today, we’re supposed to FaceTime tomorrow

Cheeks: I’ll let you know how that goes

Me: I’m sure it will go like this

facetime3gif

Cheeks: Or like this

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Me: Lol way too many teeth

Cheeks: Yeah, but with less teeth

Cheeks: This is how Mom FaceTimes

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Cheeks: Or like this

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Me: Bahaha

Me: This is where I end up whenever Mom and I are FaceTiming with someone together

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Me: Just busting me right on out of frame

Cheeks: Haha I just love watching her trying not to have a double chin

Cheeks: Or holding the phone two inches away from her face

Me: Like this?

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Cheeks: Baaahahaha ok these are cracking me up

Me: Here’s one of Dad’s FaceTime moves

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Cheeks: BAHAHA omg I was going to do that too

Cheeks: This is a classic Mom move

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Me: OMG LMAO

Me: Here’s another of Dad

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Cheeks: OMG too real

Me: You know I’m going to blog about this

Cheeks: Yup

Me: You know Mom will be so mad

Cheeks: Yup

Me: You know Dad won’t even care or know

Cheeks: Yup

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

I cheat death, people

Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

You loyal so-and-sos already know that each one of us is gifted with a special skill. Some people have an aptitude for business. Others have a talent for the performing arts. Still others find their abilities to be more athletic in nature. Some can suck a mean dick.

I, personally, have a knack for narrowly escaping the clutches of death.

Now. Let me stop for a moment and share with you the average reader’s response to such a statement:

*skreeeeeeeeeeet

*REWIND

*”Did she just say she has ‘a knack for narrowly escaping the clutches of death’?”

*rereads

*”Yep, she did.”

*reaches for phone

*beep boop beep

*”911, what is your emergency?”

*”I need an ambulance.”

*”What seems to be the problem?”

*”I just rolled my eyeballs so hard they fell out of my butthole.”

Look. I understand that response. I really do. Suggesting that I can somehow circumvent death is the stuff of delusion. But I assure you—it’s true. I have always had an uncanny ability to just manage to evade the dark, jagged claws of the Grim Reaper himself.

You still don’t believe me, you say? You want an actual list of examples, you say?

Here we go.

  1. The time I ate ant poison. Granted, I was only seven. Granted, I’d just dipped the teensiest, tiniest bit of my pinkie finger in the ant poison and touched it to my tongue for like .0000000001 seconds. Granted, the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry claims that the minimal lethal dose of boric acid is around five to six GRAMS, not whatever infinitesimal amount had managed to adhere itself to my pinkie and make its way into my mouth before I spit it out everywhere and started crying.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished
  1. The time I got run off the road at 70 mph and rolled my car five times. This was a pretty traumatic experience, and every day I thank The Creepy Infant of Prague That Every Eastern European Great-Grandma Keeps On A Doily that I am still here to tell the tale.
    Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

    As you can see from the picture above, my car was completely totaled, forcing me into the extremely stressful position of having to buy a newer and much cooler car, with more amenities and a way better sound system. I also had to have three stitches in my knee, and the doctor DIDN’T EVEN USE ANESTHETIC.

    To add insult to injury, the car crash sent several baskets of my dirty laundry sailing out the back windshield and into the middle of the road. My clothes went everywhere. I was mortified. I swear the police were this close to putting up one of those electronic road signs with this warning to motorists: DRIVE WITH CAUTION. TRAFFIC ACCIDENT AHEAD. PITTED-OUT BRAS AND BLOWN-OUT GRANNY PANTIES OBSTRUCTING ROADWAY.Yet despite the new car, the very minimal injuries, and the loss of my one remaining shred of dignity, somehow I survived.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished

  1. The time someone blew up my apartment. All right, so nobody actually blew up my apartment. But there was a car bomb detonated DOWN THE STREET from my apartment. Close enough, right? RIGHT. Of course, the bomb went off fifteen years after I’d moved out of that apartment. And also moved out of the country in which the apartment was located.
    Did I mention that I only found out about the explosion because I saw it on Facebook? SHUT UP I ALMOST DIED.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished
  1. The time I almost got shot in the face. There I was, just driving my son home from school, when I saw that the road ahead of me was blocked off by police cars, and that there were helicopters circling everywhere. Thinking “fuck that shit,” I took an easy detour, and got my son and I home perfectly safe in no time flat.

    Later, though? I found out that there had been a CRAZED MURDERER RUNNING AROUND WITH A SHOTGUN AND WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
    And by “crazed murderer” I mean “a mentally ill man who was thinking of taking his own life.” And by “running around with a shotgun” I mean “sitting in a park in one place, talking with police negotiators.” And by “we could have been killed” I mean “the police managed to take the man into custody with no injury or loss of life.”
    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished

And there you have it, folks! I think I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have the innate ability to CHEAT DEATH. The proof is in the pudding. And the fact that I am still alive to eat pudding. Lots and lots of delicious pudding.

I’ll leave you with this picture of the Grim Reaper sailing back to the netherworld without me.

Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Gravestone” – Public Domain; File:Nahrobek Tschammeru.JPG’ Uploaded by Qasinka; Created: June 21, 2008 — Modified
“All By Myself” – Punch Magazine – Original: Cartoon from Punch Magazine, Volume 35 Page 137; 10 July 1858; This copy: City and Water Blog — Modified

pot luck

est. 1975 talks about the first time she ever got high in "pot luck." #funny #humor #weed #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

The first time I got high off of weed was not – I repeat NOT – the first time I smoked it.

Already not making sense? Let me back up a bit and explain.

I was what you’d call a good girl in high school and college. I studied hard, wore Eastlands with spiral laces, and considered myself super duper badass if I drank more than three beers. In fact, I have a vivid memory of listening to Madonna’s “Bad Girl” in my dorm room before going to a frat party where I drank basically nothing and hooked up with basically nobody.

Bad girl indeed.

As you might well imagine, the thought of smoking marijuana never entered my mind during these years. In fact, looking back, I’m not sure I was even seriously *offered* any until about halfway through grad school, and even then I very graciously declined. I HAD A FELLOWSHIP, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! I COULDN’T BE RUNNING AROUND SMOKING THE DEVIL’S WEED!

est. 1975 talks about the first time she ever got high in "pot luck." #funny #humor #weed #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog
St. Michael harshes Lucifer’s mellow.

What I’m getting at here is that it wasn’t until I was about 23 years old – done with college, done with grad school, and working my first “real” job – that the opportunity to smoke pot became regularly available to me, and I started to take an actual interest in trying it.

It’s important to point out that at the age of 23 I was in what I’ll generously call a “crummy” marriage, so I spent a lot of my time bar-hopping with girlfriends and gayfriends and pretty much anyone who was willing to tag along. One of our regular haunts was a local brewery and pub, and over the course of time and many fucked-up nights we began to know the bartenders, brewers, and wait staff quite well.

Now, as any of you who have ever worked in the bar and restaurant business know, WEED ABOUNDS. The kitchen staff smoke. The wait staff smoke. The bartenders smoke. The managers smoke. Everybody smokes, and they’ll do it pretty much anywhere. So when I made plans to go to a Ministry concert with the pub’s brewmaster (or at least, I think he was the brewmaster – this was a LONG time ago) it didn’t really surprise me that the evening’s agenda involved busting out a ginormous bag of dope. And I made the decision that I was game.

Because Ministry.

Anyway. My friend the (possibly?) brewmaster didn’t know it was my first time smoking the demon herb, so before the concert he quite casually asked if I wanted to “hotbox” in the public garage where we’d parked. I boggled. Hotbox? That sounded vaguely like a gardening thing. Not shockingly, it took my friend about .0001 seconds to figure out I had no idea what he was talking about, so he explained: “It’s smoking up in a tiny little place, like a car or a closet, and letting the trapped smoke get you extra high. Do you want to?”

Well. I didn’t want to seem like even more of a tool than I’d already made myself out to be, so I said “SURE WHY NOT IT’LL BE GREAT LET’S DO THIS HOTBOXING THING YEAH BUDDY” or something equally ridiculous. My friend the brewmaster reached into his pocket, pulled out a one-hitter, and proceeded to pack it.

“Ladies first,” was his pronouncement, handing me the packed one-hitter. Which looked kind of like a cigarette. Hey! I’d smoked cigarettes before! This would be no big deal. I took a long and cigarette-y drag, then exhaled almost immediately. And…

…nothing.

My friend the brewmaster looked at me a little weirdly but didn’t say anything. He took his hit, which I noticed was a lot longer and deeper than mine, but whatever. Then it was my turn and I did much the same as I had before. Still nothing.

It went on like this for a while, and I maybe got a wee buzz from the car filling up with smoke, but it was nothing like the high I thought I’d experience. By the time we got to the Ministry concert, my friend was completely stoned and loving life, and I was just… disappointed.

Since that day, I’ve smoked quite a bit more marijuana and I know now that you don’t just take a shallow college-girl drag off of a one-hitter before exhaling the smoke out instantly. Looking back, I marvel at what a dork I was, but we all have to learn sometime. The second time I smoked weed I had a little bit more help and the experience went MUCH more successfully. I got massively high, ate an entire bag of Doritos, and couldn’t stop laughing when my girlfriend drew a crude picture of a lobster claw and spent an hour pontificating about how she could “TOTALLY sell this to Red Lobster.”

And THAT was the first time I got high off of weed.

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An earlier version of this piece was published in April 2014 on blog pixie c.d.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Joint”: marihuana enrollada en papel; 6 November 2013, 16:23:22; Mariano.ramosntic
“Raphael”: Raphael [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons — Modified

i know blog fu

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog

blog fu

noun | \ˈblȯg, ˈbläg-ˈfü\
: a fun, innovative form of networking and professional development that does not require wearing a pantsuit or acting like an uptight douchebag; started in 2014 in Baltimore by the organizers of The BlogU Conference

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the tenets of blog fu

1. Motivation. Have the desire to succeed, especially at personal goals such as having a nine-inch cleavage crack in every picture:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
The best way to show off your cleavage is to bug one eye practically out of your head while picking your teeth with an original Jeff & Jill Went Up The Hill business card.

2. Confidence. Believe in yourself, particularly when struggling to figure out cutting-edge innovations such as the selfie stick:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
Don’t blame poor Hall of Tweets for being completely mystified by modern technology. She is but a simple child of the 80’s.

3. Discipline. Follow directions, even when you are drunk and someone says “HEY! LET’S MAKE AN INCREDIBLY UGLY FACE IN THIS PICTURE!”:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
The Outnumbered Mother and I thought this was an ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS idea at the time. Now we have regrets.

4. Perseverance. Keep working for what you believe in, like winning First Place in Nickelodeon’s #MiddleSchoolAwkward contest:

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
The winning entry. Read more about it here.
est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
I got a trophy and everything! My son wanted to know what it was for. I told him I won a “World’s Ugliest Kid” contest.

5. Respect. Be willing to respect yourself and others, no matter how many watered-down appletinis may or may not have been consumed:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this is not the best photographic evidence of me and Jeff & Jill Went Up the Hill respecting ourselves. (Please note appletini.)
est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
Keeper of the Fruit Loops and Foxy Wine Pocket respecting the SHIT out of themselves.

6. Righteousness. Do the right thing, like licking honey mustard off of other people’s business cards so not a drop goes to waste:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
Stop Me If I Told You This MIGHT regret letting me take this picture, but I can’t know for sure.

7. Tolerance: do not allow emotions to overflow and affect character, even if you ARE dressed like Mary Katherine Gallagher:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
Elleroy Was Here is a SUPAHSTAH!

8. Community. Care for and be positive with others, PERIOD:

est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
Me and one of my favorite BLUNTMoms: Detached From Logic
est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
Brunch with (from left): McCall of the Wild, Quirky Chrissy, pixie c.d., Let Me Start By Saying, some waitress, and Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy
est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
In the photo booth (from left): with Mommy Back Talk, Outmanned, When Crazy Meets Exhaustion, Real Life Parenting, Questionable Choices in Parenting, Keeper of the Fruit Loops, and Foxy Wine Pocket
est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
After class (from left): The Shitastrophy, me, and Ponies and Martinis
est. 1975 shares her journey of enlightenment at #BlogU2015. She knows BLOG FU! #funny #humor #blogu2015 #blogu #est1975 #est1975blog
At the Nickelodeon Middle School to the Max party (from left): NO WAY. I AM NOT LINKING TO ALL THESE PEOPLE. FORGET IT. THIS BITCH IS TOO LAZY.

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So that’s that! I am now a blog fu Master.

I’d like to just say that there were so many more pictures, and that I had fun with so many more people, but I could not possible incorporate everyone and everything into one single blog post. I tried my best, but my frustrations with Photoshop and WordPress made me give up after about three hours. The lazy is strong with this one.

(It’s probably for the best. A lot of my pictures sucked ass. Trust.)

sweatin’ with the oldies

est. 1975 gets "sweatin' with the oldies" #funny #humor #aging #sweat #perspiration #est1975 #est1975blog @est1975blog

I’ve never been a particularly sweaty person.

I mean, I’m no delicate flower or anything. Believe you me, I’ve dampened the underside of a bra. I’ve generated an ample amount of flop sweat on a first date. I’ve felt a serious prickling in the pits while walking up a short flight of stairs working out at the gym as I so often don’t. But for the most part, I haven’t found myself in too many perspiration situations that an extra swipe of deodorant couldn’t resolve.

Until recently.

About a year ago, something in my body changed. Something gross. Something chemical. Something that caused every exertion, no matter how small, to bring forth a sheen of sticky, smelly perspiration. And I’m talking EVERY exertion:

  • Running to the mailbox? Drenched in sweat.
  • Hauling out the trash? Drenched in sweat.
  • Applying tricky eyeliner? Drenched in sweat.
  • Sitting on the couch in my underwear while watching daytime television and eating a McRib? Drenched in sweat.

I’m sure you get the idea.

At first I was confused and disgusted by my body’s sudden decision to go from Soft & Dri to Damp & Nasty. I tried everything I possibly could to mitigate this new and clammy state of existence — different deodorants, 100% cotton underwear, sitting motionless for 10 hours on top of an air conditioning vent — but nothing worked with any consistency. The whole situation had me down, out, and on the verge of eating ten more McRibs, when it suddenly came to me:

I was becoming an Oldie.

That’s right. An Oldie. I’ll wager that most of you are already acquainted with the term, but just in case you aren’t, here are a few ways with which to assess whether you’re on your way to becoming one:

  • Bending down to pick something off of the floor has become The Most Dreaded Activity of Every Day.
  • Your hair is falling out, your arteries are clogging, and your bladder just boarded up the windows, slapped on a ratty fedora, and jumped a cargo train heading West with a hearty “Screw this. I’m over it.”
  • Every meal is a traumatic experience of barf-burps, heartburn, and back-door emissions that smell like one or more of the following:

• Wet cat food
• Rotten eggs
• Fermented fish
• Corpse bloat

Also, little-known fact — becoming an Oldie often means a significant spike in perspiration, particularly if you’re overweight, out of shape, or on the brink of menopause. (Overweight? Yup. Out of shape? Oh yeah. Menopause? Check.) What’s worse, there’s not much to be done about it, except maybe shed some of that extra poundage or work on your cardio. And I’m sad to say that both of those solutions are non-starters for me.

My apologies to healthy people everywhere, but “diet” and “exercise” are two concepts that slide off my brain like delicious salted butter off of an ear of corn. So if you’re like me, and getting healthy is NOT in your game plan, I highly recommend going ahead and just embracing your inner Sweaty Betty. Why the hell not? I say have fun with it:

• Pit stains? Tell people that they’re intentional. They’re a fashion statement! They’re all the rage on the Continent.

• Body odor? The way I see it, you’re the one doing people a favor here. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t like the smell of a warm, greasy Italian sub.

•Cosmetics melting down your face? Everyone digs the “Receptionist Who Got Drunk and Cried at the Office Christmas Party” look. Trust me. It’ll work if you work it.

• Damp clothing? Damp clothing… or built-in cooling system? I know my answer.

So what are you waiting for? Own your new-found perspiration. Give in to the Damp Side. Get sweatin’ with the Oldies and let that funk flag fly!

YOU’RE WELCOME.

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An earlier version of this piece was published in October 2014 on humor site Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Dress Shields”: Public Domain: Miami U. Libraries – Digital Collections

the BIGGER book of parenting tweets: top 12

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

Hey, loyal so-and-sos! What’s up? How you be? How’s it hanging? And other dumb expressions!

So listen. I’m not sure how often you guys check out my sidebar, but the observant among you may have noticed that a new badge has recently appeared. A badge that looks a little something like this:

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

That’s right! I’ve had the amazing good fortune to be included in The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweetsan illustrated collection of nearly 400 tweet jokes, real-kid conversations and snarky one-liners from more than fifty of the most hilarious Twitter comedians ever to change a diaper or stare down a sulky teen. It’s the second volume in a series that was begun in November 2014 with The Big Book of Parenting Tweets. (I’m also in that book!)

Farah Miller and Emma Mustich, editors of HuffPost Parents, wrote the foreword for this new installment, and it’s just as amazing as the rest of the book. The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets builds on the popularity of Volume One—including more voices, more jokes, and a special peek into the stories behind some of the most outrageous tweets. Both books were curated and edited by Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood. The cover design and interior illustrations were done by Ms. Ziegler herself.

So what should you expect from this book? Simple – the best and funniest Twitter material ever written about parenting, all compiled in one place for your convenience. You’ll find close to 400 super funny jokes, acerbic one-liners, and wry observations about the highs, lows, really lows, and just-hit-bottoms of parenthood. As well as a handful of HILARIOUS tweets from YOURS TRULY:

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

But listen. I’d be lying if I said I even held a candle to the other contributors in this book, who are some of the most popular Twitter comedians out there. So I wanted to give you a sample of just what they can do. I picked twelve of my absolute favorite tweets from the book to give you just a hint of what this compilation is all about.

Enjoy!

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@KateWhineHall:
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next eight weeks.

@DadAndBuried:
Over the weekend, my parenting style basically boils down to “Whatever, man.”

@BuriedWithKids:
7yo: Can you sign this?
Me: Why?
7yo: My teacher says you have to.
Me: Can I read it?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: And sign with your eyes closed.

@MarleBean:
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!

@KCMoore51:
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.
–Kids

@LurkAtHomeMom:
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4yo wants to be a gumball when he grows up.

@StellaGMaddox:
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

@MCarisa:
Ant Rescue by 2yo:
1. Locate and smash.
2. Smear on book.
3. Shake book outside while repeating, “Go back to your home now, Ant.”

@FunnyIsFamily:
My kids promised no whining on my birthday, so I guess their gift to me is a pile of lies.

@Moooooog35:
Waiting for my wife so I can get a break from the kids feels like waiting for the handoff in a relay race with the slowest teammate ever.

@PaigeKellerman:
I have mixed feelings, but I mostly admire the 2yo’s ability to show up completely naked to dinner and still demand hot Spaghetti-Os.

@PJTLynch:
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth.”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth.”
–Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

AND ONE EXTRA, FOR THE BAKER’S DOZEN! FROM LITTLE OLD ME:

@est1975blog:
My 7yo son walked in on me taking a bath, looked at me for a split second, and then said: “How about we close this curtain?”

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If you didn’t laugh at any of these tweets, I diagnose you with I DON’T EVEN-itis. But if you *did* laugh at some, there are hundreds more like them in The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets! This is the perfect gift for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and every other day. Learn more at the web site and then jump on over to Amazon and buy!

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

middle school me

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax

Whether you referred to grades 6 through 8 as “middle school” or “junior high,” I’m guessing that those years were as awkward and hilarious for you as they were for me. Which is why I thought it would be fun to let my Facebook fans come up with a bunch of interview questions for Middle School Me to answer.

And true to form, you loyal so-and-sos did not disappoint. So let’s travel back in time to 1985-1988, when MTV, Guess jeans, and the Reagan administration reigned supreme!

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Zoe vs. The Universe: “At what age do you think you will no longer have acne?”

Middle School Me: Open your eyes, lady. I don’t have any acne.

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
Bodacious.

As you can see, I am clearly one of those awesome babes who can rock a perm, a puke-green shirt, and a flawless complexion. Needless to say, I will never have a single zit for as long as I live.

What do you mean, “adult-onset acne”? Never heard of it.

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Hall of Tweets: “Which celebrities do you have a crush on?”

Middle School Me: Which celebrities DON’T I have a crush on?! Directing my unrequited adolescent sexuality at completely inaccessible men who are twice my age is SO RAD! Here are the objects of just a few of my ridiculous fantasies:

 

WHAT?! GAY?! GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY. SHUT UP YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS OF HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

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Nicky M: “Favorite item of clothing?”

Middle School Me: The perfectly good pair of Keds that I continue to ruin decorate by drawing peace symbols all over them in permanent marker, ripping holes in them, and sticking beaded friendship pins through the laces. Duh.

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Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “What do your bangs look like?”

Middle School Me: This.

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
And is that a hint of mustache?

UGLY? What are you TALKING about? All the cute boys love my jacked-up teeth, forward comb-over, side wings, and one giant cross earring.

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Heidi C: “Have you gotten your period yet?! Isn’t it gross?”

Middle School Me: Um, yeah! I totally have! It is SO gross. All the… blood, and stuff? It barfs me out! So grody. Hey, wait here a minute. I gotta… do something for a sec.

*runs over to Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret to find some more things I can say about the period I haven’t actually gotten yet*

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Donna B: “If I open your locker, what non-educational items will I find? Aquanet? Tiger Beat pin up? A BFF collage?”

Middle School Me: Let’s take a look!

*creakkkk*

Okay. This is what’s in here:

1. A magnetic mirror that is so cheap and warped it shows a reflection to no man.

2. 18 million rotting lunches.

3. Aquanet.

4. A balled-up gym uniform I haven’t washed in 3 months.

5. Every single note that has been passed to me since the beginning of the school year.

6. Some shitty makeup I stole from my Mom.

7. More Aquanet.

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Andrea M: “Who is on the poster thumb-tacked above your bed?”

Middle School Me: Richard Marx’s hair.

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We Don’t Chew Glass: “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done AND did you get caught?”

Middle School Me: Once I drank a sip out of the bottle of Bailey’s that my Mom and Dad keep in the fridge. It was gross. It tasted like coffee. I didn’t get caught because the sip was only like .0000000001 ounces and my parents were in the other room watching Family Ties.

Oh, and I also double-pierced my ears with a needle and an ice cube.

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Foxy Wine Pocket: “How do you achieve the perfect peg in your jeans? How many ESPRIT sweatshirts do you have? What’s your favorite color of mascara?”

Middle School Me: Totally tubular questions! Here are my answers.

1. I achieve the perfect peg in my jeans by cutting off 100% of the blood supply to my ankles.

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2. I have as many ESPRIT sweatshirts as I can pressure my mother into buying me from yard sales and the clearance rack at T.J. Maxx. So like, two. And they don’t fit. BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE THEY’RE ESPRIT AND THAT’S WHAT ALL THE POPULAR GIRLS WEAR.

3. Is there any other mascara color besides blue? I don’t understand the question.

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Cristina G: “The dance is after school today! Which songs are you totally excited to dance to?”

Middle School Me: Oh my gawd. I am so nervous to the max. I hope they play these:

1. Bon Jovi – “Livin’ On A Prayer” Because I know a lot about the hardships of life. Like that one time I had to change in the bathroom instead of the locker room because I forgot to wear my training bra to school.

2. Prince – “U Got the Look” Because despite the fact that I’m still not even totally sure how sex works, the lyrics “Your face is jammin’/ Your body’s heck-a-slammin’/ If love is good/ Let’s get to rammin'” really speak to me.

3. George Michael – “Faith” I TOLD YOU GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY JUST LOOK AT THAT LEATHER JACKET HE IS ALL MAN AND I LOVE HIM

4. Peter Gabriel – “Sledgehammer” Because nothing says “totally cool song” than one with a stop-motion, claymation music video with oven-ready chickens dancing around in it.

5. Richard Marx  – “Hold On To The Nights” MOMmmmm noooooobody asked me to sloooooooow daaaanccccee wahhhhh *sobs forever*

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Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “How popular are you?”

Middle School Me: Did you see the pictures?

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And that’s the end of the interview! Thanks to everyone who participated, including Middle School Me, who thinks you are all a bunch of old lame-os.

If this interview wasn’t enough, and you’re still clamoring for more Middle School Me, you can see me live and in person at the “Middle School to the Max” party event on June 6th at the Blog U 2015 Conference in Baltimore, Maryland! But remember, you need to be a registered participant in the conference to get in the door. So if you want to see me in all my oversized ESPRIT sweatshirt and pegged jeans glory, make sure to head on over to Blog U’s web site and register now! THE LAST DAY TO BUY A TICKET IS MAY 15TH! #BlogU15 #MiddleSchoolToTheMax

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Pegged jeans”: CC BY-SA 3.0; File:The perfect tight roll.jpg; Uploaded by Jimfox7; Created: 9 December 2012 — Modified