my day off

A couple of weeks ago, my husband approached me and spoke the words I’ve been longing to hear since our son was born.

No, not: “I’m finally going to stop bugging you about butt stuff.”

No, not: “I’m so over sticking my hands down my pants while watching television.”

No, not: “I promise to never again leave my dirty clothes on the kitchen floor after coming home from work and undressing in front of the stove like a crazy person.”

(Though, let’s be honest. I never had the slightest expectation that my husband would say any of those things. Because I am a realistic woman.)

This is what he did say, however:

“So . . . I’m thinking about taking our son on a day trip.” 

Here was my external reaction:

est. 1975 has a day completely to herself! What does she do with it? You'll never guess... because it's boring as hell. #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog
“Ho hum. Whatevs. Like I care. I’ve already forgotten what you just said. I’m out, y’all. PEACE.”

My internal reaction, however, was more like:

est. 1975 has a day completely to herself! What does she do with it? You'll never guess... because it's boring as hell. #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog
“I’VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. NOT EVEN BREATHING. NOT EVEN JESUS. NOT EVEN CADBURY SCREME EGGS.”

“Oh, really?” I replied, casually. “Where you gonna take him?”

“Down to Cincinnati to watch Nadal play some tennis.”

“Huh,” I said, disinterestedly. Because you gots to play it cool, am I right? Even when you’re already making a “My Day Off” mix tape in your head. (First song? “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang.)

“Wanna come along?” asked my husband.

Um . . .

est. 1975 has a day completely to herself! What does she do with it? You'll never guess... because it's boring as hell. #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

But it was a fine line I needed to walk. I had to seem like I wanted to go, but not enough to make my husband think I really should go.

“Nah,” I smiled. “You two go on and have a special father-son day.”

“You sure?” asked my husband, sounding concerned. “You won’t be too lonely?”

Now. I’m all about Real Talk here on est. 1975, so I’ll freely admit that what was running through my head was this:

“FUCK NO, I WILL NOT BE LONELY. ARE YOU KIDDING? I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE AN ENTIRE TWELVE HOURS ALL TO MYSELF! THIS IS BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY. THIS IS BETTER THAN MULTIPLE ORGASMS. THIS IS BETTER THAN PEEING AFTER YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO FOR LIKE FIVE HOURS.”

But what I actually said was this: “Of course I won’t be lonely! You guys will have an awesome time.”

Wow. Such cool. Very cucumber.

So my husband and son clambered into the car, all excited to go watch athletes of some nature play some kind of sport I didn’t care about, and I waved at them through the window and blew them a thousand kisses. Kisses that were fake as hell. Because as soon as my husband’s car was out of sight, My Day Off began.

I even had an agenda.

MY DAY OFF: AGENDA

10:30 AM: Immediately turn off the television. Relish the fact that for twelve hours I will not once have to watch SportsCenter or hear the theme song to Teen Titans Go!

11:00 AM: Go directly to KFC for lunch. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not wear a bra or put on deodorant.

est. 1975 has a day completely to herself! What does she do with it? You'll never guess... because it's boring as hell. #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog
I want fried chicken in my mouth and I want it now.

12:00 PM: *burp*

12:30 PM: Say to myself: “While they’re gone, I might as well get some work done.” Then laugh and laugh because YEAH, RIGHT. Spend the next two hours watching YouTube videos.

2:30 PM: Start to feel legitimately bad about not doing anything productive. Do three sit-ups and feed the cat.

3:00 PM: ZZZzzzzz.

5:00 PM: Wake up from my nap with a mouth as dry and gritty as the floor of an ancient Egyptian burial chamber. Chug five glasses of water while watching more YouTube.

6:30 PM: *beep boop beep* “Hello, is this Pizza Hut?”

8:00 PM: “Shit. They’re going to be back in less than three hours. I haven’t done any work. I haven’t done any cleaning. I haven’t even showered. I better get something done pronto. But first, I’ll just check Facebook.”

8:30 PM: Still on Facebook.

9:00 PM: Still on Facebook.

9:30 PM: Still on Facebook.

10:00 PM: Realize that My Day Off is almost over and I have literally nothing to show for it. Decide to at least put on some clean pajamas, then change my mind, because that would just make for extra laundry.

10:30 PM: Hear the garage door open. Quickly dive into bed, turn off the lamp, and commence with fake snoring, because twelve hours clearly wasn’t enough time alone and I still want more. Does that make me a bad wife and mother? Maybe. Do I care?

est. 1975 has a day completely to herself! What does she do with it? You'll never guess... because it's boring as hell. #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

Not even a little.

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Photo credits:
“KFC Store” – CC BY 2.0; File:KFC signs – Old and New.jpg; Uploaded by Jayblue42; Created: 11 June 2006 — Modified
Michelle Visage .gif – Source unknown, footage from Rupaul’s Drag Race, aired on LogoTV

17 Replies to “my day off”

  1. I almost always have nothing to show for my days off. And if I don’t make it to lunch by 11, it’s because I didn’t drag myself out of bed by 10:30.

  2. I took notes on this one just in case something this unusual ever happens to me. *Casually asks husband if there are any tennis matches about three hours away that he’d like to take our son to see.

    1. HAHAHAHAHAHA

      It helps if your husband is Spanish and his Spanish tennis role model is on a downward trajectory in his career so your husband is desperate to see him play before he retires.

  3. I end up (lazily) watching hours and hours of chick-flicks. Because I can. Totally uninterrupted. Of course it never fails that man and sons return before the last movie is over.

  4. You did good. That’s what you’re supposed to do on your day off—whatever the hell you want. I’m proud of you for pushing those “I should be…” thought way to the back of your mind, right where they belong. Sounds like you used that very precious time wisely.

    I once got three whole days off when my husband took the kids—who were then 4 and 5—to Oregon (from California) to get our new Labradoodle puppy. I can’t remember my excuse for not going, but my husband is still amused by the wistful look I get on my face when I remember that weekend. My second best memory occurred on one of our visits to Oregon to see family when the kids were 3 and 4, and I got strep throat. Aunt and cousins insisted I stay in bed while they helped my husband take care of the kids. It didn’t matter that I had a fever and my throat hurt like hell—they got me some People magazines, brought me food, shut the door and let me rest. Blissful!

  5. HA!! Oh you just crack me UP. I love this so bad. I would have done the SAME THING and felt exactly THE SAME WAY!! It sounds like a day that I would totally have too… and it was PERFECT!!

    Screw the work. Grab the good stuff of food, utube, FB, and SLEEP! JUST what I’m sure you needed!!

  6. Feels familiar, and you state it so well.
    My 2 biggest semi-guilty pleasures 1.) Binge watch LMN movies (really, I am not a TV person, that would be m husband). 2.) I turn on EVERY light in the house and leave them all on. I love light, and no one around behind me to turn them off.

  7. Holy fuck! Another reason to love you ‘cuz I drive to KFC whenever (it’s been a while) I get time to myself. Guilty pleasure. I think your day off sounds incredible and I am jealous. But wait, I am on the beach right now with champagne in my hand so maybe I’m good after all. KFC can wait until a Bluntie Blissdom run 😉

  8. You got that shit down sistah. You been practicing?

    (You know, like me just now… Notice how that sounded nothing at all like a 40-something mother of teenagers who really needs to have a day alone).

  9. “I promise to never again leave my dirty clothes on the kitchen floor after coming home from work and undressing in front of the stove like a crazy person.”

    I hope Brian knows that I will never make this promise. My bras and pants, much to his dismay, are everywhere.

  10. My husband is taking our son out for a day tomorrow so that I can prep the house for painting in peace.

    I think I’m doing this entirely wrong. FML.

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