I cheat death, people

You loyal so-and-sos already know that each one of us is gifted with a special skill. Some people have an aptitude for business. Others have a talent for the performing arts. Still others find their abilities to be more athletic in nature. Some can suck a mean dick.

I, personally, have a knack for narrowly escaping the clutches of death.

Now. Let me stop for a moment and share with you the average reader’s response to such a statement:

*skreeeeeeeeeeet

*REWIND

*”Did she just say she has ‘a knack for narrowly escaping the clutches of death’?”

*rereads

*”Yep, she did.”

*reaches for phone

*beep boop beep

*”911, what is your emergency?”

*”I need an ambulance.”

*”What seems to be the problem?”

*”I just rolled my eyeballs so hard they fell out of my butthole.”

Look. I understand that response. I really do. Suggesting that I can somehow circumvent death is the stuff of delusion. But I assure you—it’s true. I have always had an uncanny ability to just manage to evade the dark, jagged claws of the Grim Reaper himself.

You still don’t believe me, you say? You want an actual list of examples, you say?

Here we go.

  1. The time I ate ant poison. Granted, I was only seven. Granted, I’d just dipped the teensiest, tiniest bit of my pinkie finger in the ant poison and touched it to my tongue for like .0000000001 seconds. Granted, the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry claims that the minimal lethal dose of boric acid is around five to six GRAMS, not whatever infinitesimal amount had managed to adhere itself to my pinkie and make its way into my mouth before I spit it out everywhere and started crying.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished
  1. The time I got run off the road at 70 mph and rolled my car five times. This was a pretty traumatic experience, and every day I thank The Creepy Infant of Prague That Every Eastern European Great-Grandma Keeps On A Doily that I am still here to tell the tale.
    Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

    As you can see from the picture above, my car was completely totaled, forcing me into the extremely stressful position of having to buy a newer and much cooler car, with more amenities and a way better sound system. I also had to have three stitches in my knee, and the doctor DIDN’T EVEN USE ANESTHETIC.

    To add insult to injury, the car crash sent several baskets of my dirty laundry sailing out the back windshield and into the middle of the road. My clothes went everywhere. I was mortified. I swear the police were this close to putting up one of those electronic road signs with this warning to motorists: DRIVE WITH CAUTION. TRAFFIC ACCIDENT AHEAD. PITTED-OUT BRAS AND BLOWN-OUT GRANNY PANTIES OBSTRUCTING ROADWAY.Yet despite the new car, the very minimal injuries, and the loss of my one remaining shred of dignity, somehow I survived.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished

  1. The time someone blew up my apartment. All right, so nobody actually blew up my apartment. But there was a car bomb detonated DOWN THE STREET from my apartment. Close enough, right? RIGHT. Of course, the bomb went off fifteen years after I’d moved out of that apartment. And also moved out of the country in which the apartment was located.
    Did I mention that I only found out about the explosion because I saw it on Facebook? SHUT UP I ALMOST DIED.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished
  1. The time I almost got shot in the face. There I was, just driving my son home from school, when I saw that the road ahead of me was blocked off by police cars, and that there were helicopters circling everywhere. Thinking “fuck that shit,” I took an easy detour, and got my son and I home perfectly safe in no time flat.

    Later, though? I found out that there had been a CRAZED MURDERER RUNNING AROUND WITH A SHOTGUN AND WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
    And by “crazed murderer” I mean “a mentally ill man who was thinking of taking his own life.” And by “running around with a shotgun” I mean “sitting in a park in one place, talking with police negotiators.” And by “we could have been killed” I mean “the police managed to take the man into custody with no injury or loss of life.”
    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished

And there you have it, folks! I think I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have the innate ability to CHEAT DEATH. The proof is in the pudding. And the fact that I am still alive to eat pudding. Lots and lots of delicious pudding.

I’ll leave you with this picture of the Grim Reaper sailing back to the netherworld without me.

Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Gravestone” – Public Domain; File:Nahrobek Tschammeru.JPG’ Uploaded by Qasinka; Created: June 21, 2008 — Modified
“All By Myself” – Punch Magazine – Original: Cartoon from Punch Magazine, Volume 35 Page 137; 10 July 1858; This copy: City and Water Blog — Modified

36 Replies to “I cheat death, people”

  1. You are, I concede, more effective than I against The Reaper, that scythe-wielding so-and-so. (In two decades longer, I’ve only managed to shaft him three times.)

  2. I read so many posts that are trying to be funny. They do not make me laugh.

    You make me laugh. Also, I feel really bad about those three stitches in your knee. More also, I’m now considering my gifts at sucking a mean dick. I may need to do a survey.

  3. OK the car one is scary–I rolled a car 1 1/2 times and walked away (no dirty laundry strewn everywhere, but I did dump an entire cup of ice water in my lap, causing the paramedics to comment–when I mentioned what happened–if it had been “nerves” or “something else;” I swear it was ice water! The paramedic was very cute) so I can appreciate that terror.

    SHUT UP I ALMOST DIED made me laugh very hard.

    1. You know what made me laugh very hard? That ridiculous graphic at the bottom of the post. I keep looking at it and laughing. My husband is like: “I’m glad you entertain yourself.”

      Thanks for reading 🙂

      1. That was an excellent graphic. My husband says the same thing to me. I sit around sniggering at the shit I write and he’s like, “Well, at least you’re making ONE person laugh.” He’s actually an asshole.

  4. It seems fitting that the most traumatic part about a serious auto vehicle accident was your scads of dirty laundry scattered across the pavement. Also – keep this shit up. We’re nowhere near being done with you.

  5. THAT is a very useful natural talent to have, sister. Mine is dumb. I invent things that have already been invented, like salad shooters and toilet paper.

  6. I’m guessing that except for the bashed in windshield, broken glass, and deflated, airbag your car was already that messy. 😉

    You remind me of an old roommate I had in Chicago who once said she was almost killed. I asked her what had happened and she said that she’d got off at the wrong El stop and ended up in a bad neighborhood and had had to wait 20 minutes for the right train to arrive. I said “Oh no! So what happened?” And she said “Well, nothing, but I could have been raped or murdered.” Except that she wasn’t trying to be funny.

    You are a goof, I love the graphics in this post (as usual–yours are always hysterically funny and clever), and I was very happy to find a post from you today–it’s been a while.

      1. I did *not* know you are from Chicago! I’m not actually from there, though. I grew up in the San
        Francisco Bay Area and lived there for most of my life. I was in Chicago for 5 years, first for grad school and then ’cause I thought it was a pretty awesome city.

        Anyway, please don’t die anytime soon, you death-cheater. I must keep reading your posts!

  7. Oh my god, Sarah, we’re death-cheating twinsies!

    (1) I spun out on black ice on a highway and my car whipped around several times before settling in a ditch. The highway was nearly empty because no one had any business driving in the icy conditions, but I saw a tractor trailer off in the distance while I was spinning around and the Pepsi and sleeve of mini donuts I had just bought at a convenience store went all over the floor of the car, ruined! I could have died!

    (2) I, too, survived ingesting an infinitesimal amount of bug killer. We’re practically superhuman now.

    (3) I stepped off a curb right as a mass transit bus was passing by, but my now husband pulled me out of harms way. Maybe the credit of escaping death should be given to him, but really, we know only the person about to meet the maker can get that credit.

    We’re invincible!!

  8. PUDDING! ha!

    I can only hope to cheat death with such finesse.

    My talent: eating butter, lots of it, on everything. (Not like a whole stick of butter all at once like this guy Nick did to get into a fraternity back in college. But a lot of butter.) And so far…it hasn’t killed me. *gets blood checked for butter levels.

  9. That graphic! I’m singing that in my head while he paddles away so lonely. Hahahahahahha!

    Who ran you if the road?

    I survived death in elementary school. I was crossing the street, with a crossing guard, and a car went through, missing my foot my a few inches. Scary shit!

    1. It was some girl on the freeway who wasn’t paying attention. She almost sideswiped me and pushed me off onto the soft shoulder, and it was all downhill from there. LITERALLY

  10. OK, I’ll start by saying how happy and all I am that you’re still here. Because I am!
    Now, I’ll finish by saying thanks. Because now that song is gonna be stuck in my head ALL DAMN DAY!!!

  11. I’m gonna have to join the “SHUT UP I ALMOST DIED” fan club.

    I too, cheat death. On the regular. As we speak there is a gigantic horse fly that I’m sure has TEETH, buzzing around, and I’m alone in the house and it could totally bite me to death, and I would die, and since my kid is away I would lay here for days, dead, and no one would know until the smell got so bad that someone would complain to the township that there are horrible smells emanating from my house.

    You were one of the highlights for me at BlogHer. Thanks for being so effing fabulous. Have you pooped yet?

    1. I have, in fact, not STOPPED pooping since I got home. I was MAJORLY backed up.

      Thanks for being so sweet at BlogHer, and so much fun. Never a dull moment with you! Your blog post was terrific.

  12. You forgot about the time we were chased through the woods by a crazed motorcyclist. After we tried to kill him first by laying logs in the road.

  13. Are you sure your gift isn’t premonition? You moved out 15 years before tragedy. I’d say that’s a gift if ever there was one.

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