I cheat death, people

Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

You loyal so-and-sos already know that each one of us is gifted with a special skill. Some people have an aptitude for business. Others have a talent for the performing arts. Still others find their abilities to be more athletic in nature. Some can suck a mean dick.

I, personally, have a knack for narrowly escaping the clutches of death.

Now. Let me stop for a moment and share with you the average reader’s response to such a statement:

*skreeeeeeeeeeet

*REWIND

*”Did she just say she has ‘a knack for narrowly escaping the clutches of death’?”

*rereads

*”Yep, she did.”

*reaches for phone

*beep boop beep

*”911, what is your emergency?”

*”I need an ambulance.”

*”What seems to be the problem?”

*”I just rolled my eyeballs so hard they fell out of my butthole.”

Look. I understand that response. I really do. Suggesting that I can somehow circumvent death is the stuff of delusion. But I assure you—it’s true. I have always had an uncanny ability to just manage to evade the dark, jagged claws of the Grim Reaper himself.

You still don’t believe me, you say? You want an actual list of examples, you say?

Here we go.

  1. The time I ate ant poison. Granted, I was only seven. Granted, I’d just dipped the teensiest, tiniest bit of my pinkie finger in the ant poison and touched it to my tongue for like .0000000001 seconds. Granted, the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry claims that the minimal lethal dose of boric acid is around five to six GRAMS, not whatever infinitesimal amount had managed to adhere itself to my pinkie and make its way into my mouth before I spit it out everywhere and started crying.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished
  1. The time I got run off the road at 70 mph and rolled my car five times. This was a pretty traumatic experience, and every day I thank The Creepy Infant of Prague That Every Eastern European Great-Grandma Keeps On A Doily that I am still here to tell the tale.
    Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

    As you can see from the picture above, my car was completely totaled, forcing me into the extremely stressful position of having to buy a newer and much cooler car, with more amenities and a way better sound system. I also had to have three stitches in my knee, and the doctor DIDN’T EVEN USE ANESTHETIC.

    To add insult to injury, the car crash sent several baskets of my dirty laundry sailing out the back windshield and into the middle of the road. My clothes went everywhere. I was mortified. I swear the police were this close to putting up one of those electronic road signs with this warning to motorists: DRIVE WITH CAUTION. TRAFFIC ACCIDENT AHEAD. PITTED-OUT BRAS AND BLOWN-OUT GRANNY PANTIES OBSTRUCTING ROADWAY.Yet despite the new car, the very minimal injuries, and the loss of my one remaining shred of dignity, somehow I survived.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished

  1. The time someone blew up my apartment. All right, so nobody actually blew up my apartment. But there was a car bomb detonated DOWN THE STREET from my apartment. Close enough, right? RIGHT. Of course, the bomb went off fifteen years after I’d moved out of that apartment. And also moved out of the country in which the apartment was located.
    Did I mention that I only found out about the explosion because I saw it on Facebook? SHUT UP I ALMOST DIED.

    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished
  1. The time I almost got shot in the face. There I was, just driving my son home from school, when I saw that the road ahead of me was blocked off by police cars, and that there were helicopters circling everywhere. Thinking “fuck that shit,” I took an easy detour, and got my son and I home perfectly safe in no time flat.

    Later, though? I found out that there had been a CRAZED MURDERER RUNNING AROUND WITH A SHOTGUN AND WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
    And by “crazed murderer” I mean “a mentally ill man who was thinking of taking his own life.” And by “running around with a shotgun” I mean “sitting in a park in one place, talking with police negotiators.” And by “we could have been killed” I mean “the police managed to take the man into custody with no injury or loss of life.”
    Mission: Cheat Death
    Mission: Accomplished

And there you have it, folks! I think I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have the innate ability to CHEAT DEATH. The proof is in the pudding. And the fact that I am still alive to eat pudding. Lots and lots of delicious pudding.

I’ll leave you with this picture of the Grim Reaper sailing back to the netherworld without me.

Read all about how est. 1975 manages to cheat death and tell the tale! #funny #humor #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

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Photo credits:
“Gravestone” – Public Domain; File:Nahrobek Tschammeru.JPG’ Uploaded by Qasinka; Created: June 21, 2008 — Modified
“All By Myself” – Punch Magazine – Original: Cartoon from Punch Magazine, Volume 35 Page 137; 10 July 1858; This copy: City and Water Blog — Modified