pot luck

The first time I got high off of weed was not – I repeat NOT – the first time I smoked it.

Already not making sense? Let me back up a bit and explain.

I was what you’d call a good girl in high school and college. I studied hard, wore Eastlands with spiral laces, and considered myself super duper badass if I drank more than three beers. In fact, I have a vivid memory of listening to Madonna’s “Bad Girl” in my dorm room before going to a frat party where I drank basically nothing and hooked up with basically nobody.

Bad girl indeed.

As you might well imagine, the thought of smoking marijuana never entered my mind during these years. In fact, looking back, I’m not sure I was even seriously *offered* any until about halfway through grad school, and even then I very graciously declined. I HAD A FELLOWSHIP, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! I COULDN’T BE RUNNING AROUND SMOKING THE DEVIL’S WEED!

est. 1975 talks about the first time she ever got high in "pot luck." #funny #humor #weed #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog
St. Michael harshes Lucifer’s mellow.

What I’m getting at here is that it wasn’t until I was about 23 years old – done with college, done with grad school, and working my first “real” job – that the opportunity to smoke pot became regularly available to me, and I started to take an actual interest in trying it.

It’s important to point out that at the age of 23 I was in what I’ll generously call a “crummy” marriage, so I spent a lot of my time bar-hopping with girlfriends and gayfriends and pretty much anyone who was willing to tag along. One of our regular haunts was a local brewery and pub, and over the course of time and many fucked-up nights we began to know the bartenders, brewers, and wait staff quite well.

Now, as any of you who have ever worked in the bar and restaurant business know, WEED ABOUNDS. The kitchen staff smoke. The wait staff smoke. The bartenders smoke. The managers smoke. Everybody smokes, and they’ll do it pretty much anywhere. So when I made plans to go to a Ministry concert with the pub’s brewmaster (or at least, I think he was the brewmaster – this was a LONG time ago) it didn’t really surprise me that the evening’s agenda involved busting out a ginormous bag of dope. And I made the decision that I was game.

Because Ministry.

Anyway. My friend the (possibly?) brewmaster didn’t know it was my first time smoking the demon herb, so before the concert he quite casually asked if I wanted to “hotbox” in the public garage where we’d parked. I boggled. Hotbox? That sounded vaguely like a gardening thing. Not shockingly, it took my friend about .0001 seconds to figure out I had no idea what he was talking about, so he explained: “It’s smoking up in a tiny little place, like a car or a closet, and letting the trapped smoke get you extra high. Do you want to?”

Well. I didn’t want to seem like even more of a tool than I’d already made myself out to be, so I said “SURE WHY NOT IT’LL BE GREAT LET’S DO THIS HOTBOXING THING YEAH BUDDY” or something equally ridiculous. My friend the brewmaster reached into his pocket, pulled out a one-hitter, and proceeded to pack it.

“Ladies first,” was his pronouncement, handing me the packed one-hitter. Which looked kind of like a cigarette. Hey! I’d smoked cigarettes before! This would be no big deal. I took a long and cigarette-y drag, then exhaled almost immediately. And…

…nothing.

My friend the brewmaster looked at me a little weirdly but didn’t say anything. He took his hit, which I noticed was a lot longer and deeper than mine, but whatever. Then it was my turn and I did much the same as I had before. Still nothing.

It went on like this for a while, and I maybe got a wee buzz from the car filling up with smoke, but it was nothing like the high I thought I’d experience. By the time we got to the Ministry concert, my friend was completely stoned and loving life, and I was just… disappointed.

Since that day, I’ve smoked quite a bit more marijuana and I know now that you don’t just take a shallow college-girl drag off of a one-hitter before exhaling the smoke out instantly. Looking back, I marvel at what a dork I was, but we all have to learn sometime. The second time I smoked weed I had a little bit more help and the experience went MUCH more successfully. I got massively high, ate an entire bag of Doritos, and couldn’t stop laughing when my girlfriend drew a crude picture of a lobster claw and spent an hour pontificating about how she could “TOTALLY sell this to Red Lobster.”

And THAT was the first time I got high off of weed.

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An earlier version of this piece was published in April 2014 on blog pixie c.d.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Joint”: marihuana enrollada en papel; 6 November 2013, 16:23:22; Mariano.ramosntic
“Raphael”: Raphael [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons — Modified

16 Replies to “pot luck”

  1. I remember the first time I actually inhaled properly and got stoned. I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off my face and I was wearing sunglasses (at night of course like Cory Hart) and I was tripping on how the guy driving could even see. It was so dark! Dude! 🙂

  2. Sounds very familiar. I was such goody good. Didn’t even drink in high school. My first experience with Mary Jane was in college but was pretty lame. I basically gave up after a few botched attempts. This was such a funny post!

  3. Okay, so I did the same thing. Except with cigarettes. I smoked them for an entire YEAR before one day I actually INHALED and was like “ohhhh.”

    I say we are not dipshits, but subconsciously….no. We’re dipshits.

  4. Weed became legal in my state a few days ago. I wish I could be more excited about it, but my older brother spoiled weed for me about 15 years ago. I was 12. He handed me a bong that was taller than I was, full of smoke, and said, “When I take my finger off, suck in all of the smoke. ALL OF IT.” I thought I was part of the couch by the time my mom got home. I won’t lie (I live in Oregon) I’ve smoked my share since. But now? Just the thought of being stoned makes me socially awkward and really, really hungry.

    1. I can’t really smoke it too much anymore because I have medical issues that make it complicated but the longing is always there. *dramatic look at pot* *reaches out fingertips*

  5. Hahaha – I loved this! I didn’t try pot until I was in college, and nothing happened. I guess I was doing it wrong also. In retrospect this makes no sense – pot was smoked in our house from sun up til sun down for the duration of my childhood. Now I feel really dumb. And I want a snack. Nice to meet you!

  6. I took even longer than you, goody-goody that I was. I was 30! And I had it because I thought it was ridiculous that I was turning 30 without trying it. So I hosted a huge party and smoked. Big mistake! I was so paranoid and then I just zoned. What a great hostess! Was much better the next day when I smoked just with my husband and figured out the secret behind teleportation. Only wish I’d written it down. 😉

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