sweatin’ with the oldies

est. 1975 gets "sweatin' with the oldies" #funny #humor #aging #sweat #perspiration #est1975 #est1975blog @est1975blog

I’ve never been a particularly sweaty person.

I mean, I’m no delicate flower or anything. Believe you me, I’ve dampened the underside of a bra. I’ve generated an ample amount of flop sweat on a first date. I’ve felt a serious prickling in the pits while walking up a short flight of stairs working out at the gym as I so often don’t. But for the most part, I haven’t found myself in too many perspiration situations that an extra swipe of deodorant couldn’t resolve.

Until recently.

About a year ago, something in my body changed. Something gross. Something chemical. Something that caused every exertion, no matter how small, to bring forth a sheen of sticky, smelly perspiration. And I’m talking EVERY exertion:

  • Running to the mailbox? Drenched in sweat.
  • Hauling out the trash? Drenched in sweat.
  • Applying tricky eyeliner? Drenched in sweat.
  • Sitting on the couch in my underwear while watching daytime television and eating a McRib? Drenched in sweat.

I’m sure you get the idea.

At first I was confused and disgusted by my body’s sudden decision to go from Soft & Dri to Damp & Nasty. I tried everything I possibly could to mitigate this new and clammy state of existence — different deodorants, 100% cotton underwear, sitting motionless for 10 hours on top of an air conditioning vent — but nothing worked with any consistency. The whole situation had me down, out, and on the verge of eating ten more McRibs, when it suddenly came to me:

I was becoming an Oldie.

That’s right. An Oldie. I’ll wager that most of you are already acquainted with the term, but just in case you aren’t, here are a few ways with which to assess whether you’re on your way to becoming one:

  • Bending down to pick something off of the floor has become The Most Dreaded Activity of Every Day.
  • Your hair is falling out, your arteries are clogging, and your bladder just boarded up the windows, slapped on a ratty fedora, and jumped a cargo train heading West with a hearty “Screw this. I’m over it.”
  • Every meal is a traumatic experience of barf-burps, heartburn, and back-door emissions that smell like one or more of the following:

• Wet cat food
• Rotten eggs
• Fermented fish
• Corpse bloat

Also, little-known fact — becoming an Oldie often means a significant spike in perspiration, particularly if you’re overweight, out of shape, or on the brink of menopause. (Overweight? Yup. Out of shape? Oh yeah. Menopause? Check.) What’s worse, there’s not much to be done about it, except maybe shed some of that extra poundage or work on your cardio. And I’m sad to say that both of those solutions are non-starters for me.

My apologies to healthy people everywhere, but “diet” and “exercise” are two concepts that slide off my brain like delicious salted butter off of an ear of corn. So if you’re like me, and getting healthy is NOT in your game plan, I highly recommend going ahead and just embracing your inner Sweaty Betty. Why the hell not? I say have fun with it:

• Pit stains? Tell people that they’re intentional. They’re a fashion statement! They’re all the rage on the Continent.

• Body odor? The way I see it, you’re the one doing people a favor here. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t like the smell of a warm, greasy Italian sub.

•Cosmetics melting down your face? Everyone digs the “Receptionist Who Got Drunk and Cried at the Office Christmas Party” look. Trust me. It’ll work if you work it.

• Damp clothing? Damp clothing… or built-in cooling system? I know my answer.

So what are you waiting for? Own your new-found perspiration. Give in to the Damp Side. Get sweatin’ with the Oldies and let that funk flag fly!

YOU’RE WELCOME.

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An earlier version of this piece was published in October 2014 on humor site Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Dress Shields”: Public Domain: Miami U. Libraries – Digital Collections

the BIGGER book of parenting tweets: top 12

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

Hey, loyal so-and-sos! What’s up? How you be? How’s it hanging? And other dumb expressions!

So listen. I’m not sure how often you guys check out my sidebar, but the observant among you may have noticed that a new badge has recently appeared. A badge that looks a little something like this:

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

That’s right! I’ve had the amazing good fortune to be included in The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweetsan illustrated collection of nearly 400 tweet jokes, real-kid conversations and snarky one-liners from more than fifty of the most hilarious Twitter comedians ever to change a diaper or stare down a sulky teen. It’s the second volume in a series that was begun in November 2014 with The Big Book of Parenting Tweets. (I’m also in that book!)

Farah Miller and Emma Mustich, editors of HuffPost Parents, wrote the foreword for this new installment, and it’s just as amazing as the rest of the book. The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets builds on the popularity of Volume One—including more voices, more jokes, and a special peek into the stories behind some of the most outrageous tweets. Both books were curated and edited by Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood. The cover design and interior illustrations were done by Ms. Ziegler herself.

So what should you expect from this book? Simple – the best and funniest Twitter material ever written about parenting, all compiled in one place for your convenience. You’ll find close to 400 super funny jokes, acerbic one-liners, and wry observations about the highs, lows, really lows, and just-hit-bottoms of parenthood. As well as a handful of HILARIOUS tweets from YOURS TRULY:

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

But listen. I’d be lying if I said I even held a candle to the other contributors in this book, who are some of the most popular Twitter comedians out there. So I wanted to give you a sample of just what they can do. I picked twelve of my absolute favorite tweets from the book to give you just a hint of what this compilation is all about.

Enjoy!

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@KateWhineHall:
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next eight weeks.

@DadAndBuried:
Over the weekend, my parenting style basically boils down to “Whatever, man.”

@BuriedWithKids:
7yo: Can you sign this?
Me: Why?
7yo: My teacher says you have to.
Me: Can I read it?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: And sign with your eyes closed.

@MarleBean:
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!

@KCMoore51:
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.
–Kids

@LurkAtHomeMom:
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4yo wants to be a gumball when he grows up.

@StellaGMaddox:
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

@MCarisa:
Ant Rescue by 2yo:
1. Locate and smash.
2. Smear on book.
3. Shake book outside while repeating, “Go back to your home now, Ant.”

@FunnyIsFamily:
My kids promised no whining on my birthday, so I guess their gift to me is a pile of lies.

@Moooooog35:
Waiting for my wife so I can get a break from the kids feels like waiting for the handoff in a relay race with the slowest teammate ever.

@PaigeKellerman:
I have mixed feelings, but I mostly admire the 2yo’s ability to show up completely naked to dinner and still demand hot Spaghetti-Os.

@PJTLynch:
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth.”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth.”
–Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

AND ONE EXTRA, FOR THE BAKER’S DOZEN! FROM LITTLE OLD ME:

@est1975blog:
My 7yo son walked in on me taking a bath, looked at me for a split second, and then said: “How about we close this curtain?”

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If you didn’t laugh at any of these tweets, I diagnose you with I DON’T EVEN-itis. But if you *did* laugh at some, there are hundreds more like them in The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets! This is the perfect gift for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and every other day. Learn more at the web site and then jump on over to Amazon and buy!

est. 1975 pimps out her new book "The BIGGER Book of Parenting Tweets" with a personal "top 12" from the book! #funny #humor #parenting #twitter #tweets #est1975blog #est1975 @est1975blog

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

middle school me

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax

Whether you referred to grades 6 through 8 as “middle school” or “junior high,” I’m guessing that those years were as awkward and hilarious for you as they were for me. Which is why I thought it would be fun to let my Facebook fans come up with a bunch of interview questions for Middle School Me to answer.

And true to form, you loyal so-and-sos did not disappoint. So let’s travel back in time to 1985-1988, when MTV, Guess jeans, and the Reagan administration reigned supreme!

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Zoe vs. The Universe: “At what age do you think you will no longer have acne?”

Middle School Me: Open your eyes, lady. I don’t have any acne.

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
Bodacious.

As you can see, I am clearly one of those awesome babes who can rock a perm, a puke-green shirt, and a flawless complexion. Needless to say, I will never have a single zit for as long as I live.

What do you mean, “adult-onset acne”? Never heard of it.

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Hall of Tweets: “Which celebrities do you have a crush on?”

Middle School Me: Which celebrities DON’T I have a crush on?! Directing my unrequited adolescent sexuality at completely inaccessible men who are twice my age is SO RAD! Here are the objects of just a few of my ridiculous fantasies:

 

WHAT?! GAY?! GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY. SHUT UP YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS OF HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

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Nicky M: “Favorite item of clothing?”

Middle School Me: The perfectly good pair of Keds that I continue to ruin decorate by drawing peace symbols all over them in permanent marker, ripping holes in them, and sticking beaded friendship pins through the laces. Duh.

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Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “What do your bangs look like?”

Middle School Me: This.

"middle school me" - est. 1975 takes her readers on a journey through the mind of her middle school self. #funny #humor #est1975blog @est1975blog #est1975 #middleschool #blogu15 #middleschooltothemax
And is that a hint of mustache?

UGLY? What are you TALKING about? All the cute boys love my jacked-up teeth, forward comb-over, side wings, and one giant cross earring.

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Heidi C: “Have you gotten your period yet?! Isn’t it gross?”

Middle School Me: Um, yeah! I totally have! It is SO gross. All the… blood, and stuff? It barfs me out! So grody. Hey, wait here a minute. I gotta… do something for a sec.

*runs over to Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret to find some more things I can say about the period I haven’t actually gotten yet*

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Donna B: “If I open your locker, what non-educational items will I find? Aquanet? Tiger Beat pin up? A BFF collage?”

Middle School Me: Let’s take a look!

*creakkkk*

Okay. This is what’s in here:

1. A magnetic mirror that is so cheap and warped it shows a reflection to no man.

2. 18 million rotting lunches.

3. Aquanet.

4. A balled-up gym uniform I haven’t washed in 3 months.

5. Every single note that has been passed to me since the beginning of the school year.

6. Some shitty makeup I stole from my Mom.

7. More Aquanet.

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Andrea M: “Who is on the poster thumb-tacked above your bed?”

Middle School Me: Richard Marx’s hair.

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We Don’t Chew Glass: “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done AND did you get caught?”

Middle School Me: Once I drank a sip out of the bottle of Bailey’s that my Mom and Dad keep in the fridge. It was gross. It tasted like coffee. I didn’t get caught because the sip was only like .0000000001 ounces and my parents were in the other room watching Family Ties.

Oh, and I also double-pierced my ears with a needle and an ice cube.

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Foxy Wine Pocket: “How do you achieve the perfect peg in your jeans? How many ESPRIT sweatshirts do you have? What’s your favorite color of mascara?”

Middle School Me: Totally tubular questions! Here are my answers.

1. I achieve the perfect peg in my jeans by cutting off 100% of the blood supply to my ankles.

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2. I have as many ESPRIT sweatshirts as I can pressure my mother into buying me from yard sales and the clearance rack at T.J. Maxx. So like, two. And they don’t fit. BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE THEY’RE ESPRIT AND THAT’S WHAT ALL THE POPULAR GIRLS WEAR.

3. Is there any other mascara color besides blue? I don’t understand the question.

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Cristina G: “The dance is after school today! Which songs are you totally excited to dance to?”

Middle School Me: Oh my gawd. I am so nervous to the max. I hope they play these:

1. Bon Jovi – “Livin’ On A Prayer” Because I know a lot about the hardships of life. Like that one time I had to change in the bathroom instead of the locker room because I forgot to wear my training bra to school.

2. Prince – “U Got the Look” Because despite the fact that I’m still not even totally sure how sex works, the lyrics “Your face is jammin’/ Your body’s heck-a-slammin’/ If love is good/ Let’s get to rammin'” really speak to me.

3. George Michael – “Faith” I TOLD YOU GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT GAY JUST LOOK AT THAT LEATHER JACKET HE IS ALL MAN AND I LOVE HIM

4. Peter Gabriel – “Sledgehammer” Because nothing says “totally cool song” than one with a stop-motion, claymation music video with oven-ready chickens dancing around in it.

5. Richard Marx  – “Hold On To The Nights” MOMmmmm noooooobody asked me to sloooooooow daaaanccccee wahhhhh *sobs forever*

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Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.: “How popular are you?”

Middle School Me: Did you see the pictures?

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And that’s the end of the interview! Thanks to everyone who participated, including Middle School Me, who thinks you are all a bunch of old lame-os.

If this interview wasn’t enough, and you’re still clamoring for more Middle School Me, you can see me live and in person at the “Middle School to the Max” party event on June 6th at the Blog U 2015 Conference in Baltimore, Maryland! But remember, you need to be a registered participant in the conference to get in the door. So if you want to see me in all my oversized ESPRIT sweatshirt and pegged jeans glory, make sure to head on over to Blog U’s web site and register now! THE LAST DAY TO BUY A TICKET IS MAY 15TH! #BlogU15 #MiddleSchoolToTheMax

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If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
“Pegged jeans”: CC BY-SA 3.0; File:The perfect tight roll.jpg; Uploaded by Jimfox7; Created: 9 December 2012 — Modified