Before I launch into this piece, let me say up top that I have FULL PERMISSION FROM MY HUSBAND to write about this particular topic. All of you loyal so-and-sos can rest assured that I am in no way exploiting him or disrespecting his privacy for the sake of my art. He has given me the 100% go ahead. In fact, I’ll tell you exactly how the conversation went:
Me: I need your permission to write about something.
Him: You have it.
Me: But you don’t even know what it is yet.
Him: I’m fine with you writing about whatever.
Me: That’s totally adorable and I love you, but I still think I should check.
Him: All right, what is it?
Me: I want to write about your man crushes.
Me: So is that a yes?
Him: *sigh* FINE.
See? Total permission.
Those of you who are est. 1975 regulars already know quite a bit about my husband. You know the nature of his “coffee drinking habits.” You’ve heard the ridiculous things that come out of his mouth. You remember that one time he stabbed a table with a knife.
However, those of you who are new to the world of est. 1975 may crave a few more details about my husband. So I jumped on over to Facebook and asked my family and friends to help me out:
That was the question. Here are just a few of the answers:
Craigslist (My sister thinks she’s funny.)
and the easy winner, from My Girl Natalie:
Now. Some might argue that a truly “dudely” straight dude wouldn’t admit to having crushes on other men. I adamantly disagree. I find any straight man confident enough to stroll up and down the gender spectrum for crush material to be extremely dudely. Not to mention hot, sexy, and whatever the adjective is for “my panties just melted the fuck off, ran down my leg, and collected at my feet in a puddle of liquefied cotton.”
And because my husband is just that dudely, he has (semi) graciously agreed to let me share with you, my readers:
HIS TOP THREE MAN CRUSHES.
Strap yourself in.
1. Rafael Nadal. Okay. You may wonder why ANYONE would have a crush on a man who makes faces like this:
The answer is simple. My husband has a little crush on Rafa because he has a little crush on HIMSELF. But don’t take my word for it. Just look at the facts:
- Rafa is from Spain. Just like my husband.
- He’s exceedingly gracious and polite. Just like my husband.
- He’s a professional tennis player. Just like my husband. In dreams.
- He did a practically naked photo shoot with Bar Rafaeli. Just like my husband. In other, dirtier kinds of dreams.
But I’m gonna cut my husband some slack on this one. Weird faces or no, LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING ARMS.
EDIT: After my husband read this post, we actually had this conversation:
Him: There are way better pictures of Nadal’s muscles.
Me: Honey, there were 65,000 images of Nadal on Getty Images. I wasn’t going to look through all of them.
Him: You should have.
Him: I would have.
Guys, I don’t understand this one. I never have and I never will. My husband has been at Fan Boy: Level Infinite over this man for the entire thirteen years we’ve been together and I JUST. DON’T. GET. IT. The man is not particularly attractive. His voice is not what I’d call “easy on the ear.” And, according to the one person I know who has actually interacted with him, he’s… well, let’s just use the phrase “socially disabled.”
And yet, when asked to give me the 5 words that best describe Tim Armstrong, these were what immediately jumped to my husband’s lips:
- Better than Sarah
The only American actor in the entire cast of Ripper Street, Adam Rothenberg plays the role of Captain Homer Jackson, a former Pinkerton agent who has fallen from grace and fled to Victorian-era Whitechapel. Sarcastic, intelligent, and cynical, this character fulfills the classic BBC trope of the Underestimated but Savvy American Who Delivers Witty Quips and Wry Observations. You know the one. The handsome, troubled comic relief. He makes my husband swoon.
I’ll be honest—this man crush delights me in a way the other two do not. Here’s why:
- My husband refers to Rothenberg’s character on Ripper Street as simply “The American.” Guess who else my husband refers to as “The American”?
- Rothenberg is a brooding brunette with a pale complexion. Guess who else is a brooding brunette with a pale complexion?
- Rothenberg plays a bitter, sarcastic weirdo who is constantly putting his foot in his mouth and getting himself in trouble. Guess who else is a bitter, sarcastic weirdo who blah de blah?
- Rothenberg’s character gets himself *out* of trouble by being charming and persuasive and calling people “darlin’.” Guess who else pulls this same kind of bullshit?
Yeah. This guy is totally the man version of me. Actually, if my husband *didn’t* have a crush on him, I’d be worried.
So there you have it. The three men my husband would totally man-bang. I have to admit I’d take a crack at two of them myself (sorry, Tim Armstrong.) Seriously, did you look at Rafa’s biceps? He can make weird faces all night long. That’s why there’s a light switch next to the bed.
“Anthonis van Dyck 051” by Anthony van Dyck – The Yorck Project: 10.000 Meisterwerke der Malerei. DVD-ROM, 2002. ISBN3936122202. Distributed by DIRECTMEDIA Publishing GmbH.. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Anthonis_van_Dyck_051.jpg#/media/File:Anthonis_van_Dyck_051.jpg — Modified