and panties all in a bunch

If you’re a regular fan of this blog, or if you follow me on social media at all, chances are good you’ve already deduced  that yes, I do indeed suffer from a mighty case of depression.

And you would not be wrong.

Still. I wouldn’t go changing your name to “Columbo” just yet. For one thing, you need a fake eyeball, a dirty trench coat, and 38 thousand packs of cigarettes to really sell it. More to the point, you need to be able to crack cases a LOT tougher than this one. I mean, it’s not exactly Unsolved Mysteries over here. I’m pretty sure just about anyone with access to the evidence would come to the same conclusion.

Let’s take a look at the facts, shall we?

  • Given the choice between taking a nap or a shower, I alwZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
  • I have actually said the words: “I’m not tired enough to sleep, but I am too tired to watch television.”
  • My idea of a good time? Eating vast quantities of Chinese food, then falling asleep instantly.
  • *sees hairbrush* “Not today.”
  • *sees toothbrush* “Nah.”
  • When my husband gets home from a long day at work, I find the best way to greet him is to ugly-cry for 45 minutes about how I stubbed my pinky toe on the washing machine seven hours ago.
  • I have actually thought to myself: “Thank God my son is in school full-time, otherwise when would I watch my six hours of YouTube videos a day?”
  • “My glasses are dirty.” *does nothing about it*
  • “I forgot to put on deodorant.” *does nothing about it*
  • “Is that a skid mark in my underwear?” *does nothing about it*
  • “I’m a month behind on my work.” *binge-watches The Blacklist*

I guess what I’m saying is: Calm your boobs, Sherlock. It wasn’t like you needed to bring in a profiler or anything to figure this shit out.

But worry not, loyal readers. NEVER FEAR. I’m not going to take you through any kind of detailed explanation of my 25-year history of depression, mainly because it’s really boring and not even remotely funny. (Also boring.) I’ll spare you the long litany of my daily complaints, ranging from “I’m sad today” to “I’ll probably be sad tomorrow” to “How long have I been wearing these pajamas?”

That said, I do think you guys might get a laugh out of just how bunched my panties can get over dumb, relatively unimportant shit when I’m in the throes of my depression. Because that part IS actually pretty funny, especially when you’re looking at it from the outside in. AND there’s pictures.

So go burn some microwave popcorn, pull up a chair with a busted spring in it, and get ready to accompany me on a journey through

THE DUMB SHIT THAT BUNCHES MY PANTIES WHEN I’M DEPRESSED

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DUMB SHIT #1: My son’s pajama drawer. Every evening I tell my son to get his pajamas on. Every evening I tell him not to make a huge mess of his pajama drawer. Every evening I walk into his bedroom and find this:

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Also? This is actually not even half as bad as it usually is.

METAPHORICAL STATUS OF PANTIES: They’re not actually up IN the crack, but they’re definitely threatening to go there. All it would take is one wrong move with a butt cheek.

MANIFESTATION: Wandering around and muttering: “You know what I LOVE? Saying the same damn shit, day after day, to people who can’t even be bothered to pretend that they’re listening. Why no, I’m not being sarcastic! I’m serious as a heart attack over here! Being habitually ignored in my own home truly is the wind beneath my wings.”

MITIGATION: An entire pint of ice cream, eaten alone and in silence, all while glaring and making the obvious statement of not offering any to anyone else.

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DUMB SHIT #2: Slicing my toe open while shaving off my toe hairs. I mean, I could just *pluck* my toe hairs. Or I could use a fresh razor blade on my toe hairs instead of the one I’ve been using since September 11th (never forget). Or I could just not do anything at all about my toe hairs because nobody gives an actual fuck. But no! I have to shave them off BECAUSE HAVING NO TOE HAIRS MAKES YOU SUPER HOT. JUST LOOK:

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I Photoshopped my toe wrinkles out of this picture *way* more than I care to admit. And you can still see a butt ton of toe wrinkles. So clearly that was a good use of my time.

HOT.

METAPHORICAL STATUS OF PANTIES: Making a comfortable home in the ass crack, but not so deep that they can’t be dislodged with an awkward chair swivel or an overly animated walk to the restroom.

MANIFESTATION: Crying buck-ass naked on the toilet, trying unsuccessfully to stem the flow of toe blood with a rapidly disintegrating wad of cheap toilet paper, and repeating “I hate men” over and over again.

MITIGATION: A huge bowl of pasta with cream sauce and extra Parmesan cheese. And don’t you dare forget the garlic bread. Seriously. DON’T FORGET IT. I’ll push your mother down the god damn stairs.

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DUMB SHIT #3: The day-old cup of coffee found on the floor next to my husband’s side of the bed. I mean, it makes sense to drink a cup of coffee in bed, doesn’t it? Get that nice big oily jolt of caffeine right before trying to go to sleep? I know that’s what gets me ready for Mr. Sandman. I especially like to not actually finish the coffee, and instead just leave it on the floor for someone else to pick up, or perhaps accidentally drop a dirty sock into. That just sends me straight to dreamland.

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If you’re questioning whether or not this photo is staged, I can assure you it is 100% the REAL DEAL.

METAPHORICAL STATUS OF PANTIES: Where the edges keep darting into your butt crack for what seems to be short recon missions. First the right side, then the left. They’re never all the way in, they’re never all the way out.

MANIFESTATION: Staring at the cup of coffee for a second, then deciding to just leave it there until someone else just fucking deals with it. Slumping both head and shoulders in defeat when the realization hits that NO ONE ELSE is going to fucking deal with it. Then, with a morose sigh and a half-hearted “Eh. FINE,” giving in and bringing the coffee mug down to the dishwasher.

MITIGATION: Writing about it on the Internet for all to read.

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DUMB SHIT #4: The person who installed the light switches in my bathroom like THIS:

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It’s interesting because there are tools out there that prevent stuff like this from happening. Levels, yardsticks, even the side of a piece of frickin’ printer paper. But no. YOU had to do it freehand, YOU STUPID JACKASS.

METAPHORICAL STATUS OF PANTIES: Practically in the rectum. Will have to be manually dislodged at a later point, when there are sure to be no witnesses. They’ll then go straight into the washing machine because reasons.

MANIFESTATION: A pure, unadulterated hatred of the universe. Sullen, empty threats to “burn this whole jacked-up house to the ground” and “move into a dirty dumpster” because even that would be better than spending one more minute in “this janky pile of shit.”

MITIGATION: Taking two Night-time Mucinex and hitting the sack at 9:30 PM.

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So! I hope you guys have enjoyed this little  tour of the ridiculous bunched-panty moments of a depressed person. You know, they say you can’t truly understand someone unless you’ve walked a mile in his or her shoes house slippers linty dollar-store socks with cat hair on them.

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I realize that my linty dollar-store socks don’t look particularly appealing. But I’m pretty sure you’d rather walk a mile in these than in a pair of my bunched-up panties.

EDIT: Thanks to Jeff of Jeff and Jill Went Up the Hill for helping out with this piece, despite being in recovery from “the snip.” If you’re feeling generous, check out his blog, or send him a bag of frozen peas. Whichev.

If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

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Photo credits:
1839: Oil on canvas by Edward Delacroix: Tasso à l’hôpital de St Anne Ferrara (Tasso in the Madhouse) – public domain — modified

79 Replies to “and panties all in a bunch”

  1. Dying laughing! You’re hilarious! My favorite: MITIGATION: A huge bowl of pasta with cream sauce and extra Parmesan cheese. And don’t you dare forget the garlic bread. Seriously. DON’T FORGET IT. I’ll push your mother down the god damn stairs.

    By the way, looking at your list of facts to support your diagnosis, it almost seems your condition might be less like “depression” and more like “aversion to basic personal hygiene.” I think if you’d run buck naked through a car wash a couple times a week, you’d be good. (I’m not a trained psychiatrist. Results may vary.)

    1. I know you’re just playing 🙂 But for those who don’t understand much about depression, the disinterest in personal hygiene is actually a secondary symptom that stems from a general lack of motivation. At least I think it is. We’d have to call in Meg Sanity to be sure 😉

    2. Haha, yeah, you stank! Also, you said jinky which is just great.

      Between the hot foot and visual of underwear creeping up into your ass crack, it’s a wonder I’m not at the airport right now flying to wherever you live to woo you away from your coffee cup leaving husband and messy pajama drawer son. Lol.

  2. Hmm… I tend to snap over things like this but I guess the snapping usually starts about 10 days out from Aunt Flow’s visit. Oh and it lasts about half the month. So I guess that means I can relate about half the time.

  3. Just discovered your blog a few weeks ago and enjoying it so far…I defnitely get in a funk/depression sometimes and since I’m single, I take it out on my lucky sister. She recently said “I’m scared you are going to lash out on me.” And I wanted to yell: “Well, if I do, ITS BECAUSE IM DEPRESSED and not thinking right.” But I was cool and didn’t yell and used my inside voice. So far, I think I’m handling it pretty good and haven’t taken my struggle out on anyone…

  4. You ROCK even when you’re down, girl! Your flowery socks are cute and the wrinkles on your toes are hot even if photoshopped. Also, tears of blood on your toes are now sexy because 50 shades of, wait!, or was it a tampon? nevermind.

  5. Did you *really* Photoshop your toe wrinkles?!

    Ugh…depression. I can relate, unfortunately. It’s like trudging through molasses. The thought of showering is overwhelming and you might as well forget about going outside and walking all the way to the mailbox. It’s a good thing to have a child to take care of so that you can’t give into the lethargy completely. My sense of humor keeps my head above water at times, and I most definitely appreciate yours. Who else could make depression entertaining? xo

    1. I really, really, REALLY Photoshopped my toe wrinkles.

      Depression is so fatiguing. And there’s so much guilt. Having to parent a child does keep you going, as does work, but still… sometimes nothing helps. Thanks for reading and I always love your comments. I’m glad you’re a loyal so-and-so!

  6. Holy shit. I laughed way too hard at this, partly because I relate to it so much. I get depressed and do the same type of stuff. (Minus the toe shaving.) My “mitigation” is usually a bottle of beer or a great big whiskey sour, though.

    P.S. – Can I use “calm your boobs, Sherlock” in my work? One of my great life goals is to film a Sherlock Holmes parody where I play Sherlock. Boobs and all.

  7. Oh, fuuuuuck, I know exactly what you mean. My depression also presents as a serious lack of give-a-fucks and, as an added bonus, Super Irritability. Today I got really mad at my husband for no reason, fumed, stomped, cursed under my breath, ignored him for a good 3 hours…then felt better and acted like nothing had happened. I am a joy to live with.

      1. I feel all smushy inside. You speak to me! I have Bipolar Dis. / a back that rarely works, something called “drop-foot” AND an 8 yr old & 2 yr old. I just saw your article and laughed (which is great today!) I can’t wait to spend the rest of my day reading everything on your site! I don’t know a lot of other writers that arr confident enough to use the word “janky”. *applause*

  8. Stumbled upon this post through a Facebook link and wanted to 1. Commiserate 1 bajillion percent on the cut toe, and 2. Ask what you do (beyond the unarguably useful bowl of cheesy pasta, etc.) to help mitigate your depression?

    My depression returned with the ugliest vengeance I’ve ever experienced, I believe, exacerbated mucho by chronic pain from an injury and hormonal changes due to age. I’m lucky that my injury is helped by movement and exercise because those have always helped a bad mood for me, but at those moments of peak sobbing/rage/rage-sobbing and dark thoughts, so far medication has been the only crutch I can rely on.

    As someone who has spent 8+ years in individual therapy, this has been quite disheartening. I’m always interested in tricks that others have had success with, especially for those moments when rational thinking, just isn’t enough.

    1. My depression has increased with age, weight gain, and hormonal changes related to menopause as well, so I know what you’re going through. Unfortunately I am on the maximum dosage of Prozac so my doctors have to look into adjunct medication and are going to make a decision about that soon. I personally don’t want to add another med to my mix of MANY (for varying health problems), but it might need to be done.

      I also try to sleep it off. Doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. A lot of the time I just have to let it run its course, which is getting tougher and tougher these days.

  9. I just did the Chinese food one the other night. And the coffee. Last night. But I didn’t leave it on the floor. lol. The light switch thing would have my OCD panties up around my friggin’ neck.

    1. Oh you ain’t kidding about the damn light switch. The only reason we haven’t fixed it is because we’re saving money to gut the entire bathroom anyway, so why bother. But still. It drives my depressed brain into a tailspin. When I’m not depressed it bothers me a lot less.

  10. [ A pure, unadulterated hatred of the universe. Sullen, empty threats to “burn this whole jacked-up house to the ground” and “move into a dirty dumpster” because even that would be better than spending one more minute in “this janky pile of shit.”]

    STORY OF MY LIFE!!! No, seriously, how did you read my mind?? I have this daily. It is truly the basis of all of my other problems!

    1. LOL! I wish I could afford to fix up my house and have it be sparkling clean at all times and awe-inspiring with its decor and architecture, but unfortunately I am a middle class slob who spends all my money at Applebee’s. 😉

  11. So, so, so SOOOOO funny. Those light switches would put me over the edge. I still lose it over our bathroom sink being hung slightly crooked. The fact that I am still obsessing over this seven years later clearly means we should not have bought the house.

  12. #2, I have totally done and still not sure why, but still when will I learn from that mistake is anyone’s guess. And I totally have a pair of comfy sock similar to yours, too, except they are pink and black striped! 😉

  13. Love reading your stuff. I also suffer from depression and when it’s at its worse my husband will force me to go shower because I just don’t have the energy/care about myself enough to do anything. I also hate finding random dishes on the floor like the stack of plates next to my husbands desk (it’s only 3 but still) he tripped on them last night and got all pissed off because they were there. I asked who put them there, because that person needed to put them in the kitchen sink he grumbled something and did it. That’s the one good thing is I can ignore certain things until he cleans up after himself I had 2 kids not 3 LOL

    1. Thanks 🙂 You are so sweet. I had to admit I laughed at the “stack of plates” in your story and how your husband got mad when *he* tripped over them. I’ve had similar experiences.

      Stay strong! We women have to soldier through our depression together! *fist bump* And thanks for reading!

  14. Thank you for putting an honest and humorous face for depression. It is a hard topic to talk about, harder to describe to people who don’t suffer from it, and easy to dismiss. I don’t have depression, but I have many friends who do, and I thank you for them, and for me.

    Also, all these things drive me nuts too. 🙂

    1. LMAO! I’m glad it’s not just me.

      And yes. Awareness about depression is really important. I cope with it through humor (and caffeine) (and naps). I suspect I’m not the only one 😉

      You are a good woman for speaking up for your friends. 🙂 Thanks for reading!

  15. That was the most hilarious thing I have read in a really long time. You might be my blogging soulmate. Thank you for sharing your funny! ps i only wear thongs so my panties are never in a bunch.

  16. As they say “Hear! Hear!” Rather in our situation it’s more like, “Hear! Here! Hair!?” 😉
    Hear : as in LISTEN to your mother for the umpteenth time
    Here : as in, the coffee mug (or ANY dishware), as well as poorly measured/planned decor DOES NOT belong here
    Hair : as in, if it grows there, it was MEANT to be there and right now I don’t give a f#&k. That’s what dollar store cute socks are for!
    That’s just my 2 cents in current depression mode thanks to multiple injuries/ chronic pain/ chronic fatigue and a few more “charming” life changes & challenges that have stumbled it’s “lovely” ass way into my life.
    All in all, the best medicine so far?…. Laughter and humor! Even if it’s sarcasm and gives us a little spark of light or a hint of a smile… It does go a long way and a step closer to healing.
    Thank you for your honesty in this blog ( is that the correct term? I’m not very blog savvy & this is my first time ever responding to someone.
    You and your readers’ responses just gave me a much needed “pill” towards reopening my mind that we are not alone & a much needed smile… It has been, what feels like forever, that a genuine giggle bubbled out from me. I am now a fan. 😀 Thanks again & please continue your fabulous work. Xo
    P.S the dollar stores here in Toronto Ontario have the cutest leg warmers… Just saying 😉 Xoxo

    1. All right. Canadian dollar store leg warmers might just be the thing that gets me to Toronto 🙂

      And thanks for reading. I’m glad I could put a smile on your face and help you feel a little less isolated. Whenever you’re feeling down, remember that there are lots of us ladies out there 🙂

      Welcome to the loyal so-and-sos club!

  17. I don’t even wanna think about how many cups and half empty Coke Zero cans I would find laying around my house – all left by my charming husband.

    And those light switches would totally send my OCD into overdrive.

    I can relate to SO MUCH of this! Toe shaving…open drawers. I could go on….

    Great post! XO

  18. Completely empathize. My son’s TShirt drawer sends me to the moon on a regular basis. I can’t understand how it gets so damn messy when he will only wear two of the 42 t-shirts that it contains. Makes my eyes cross.

    Oh, and I LOVE your “Lost” mug. I may need one.

    1. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THAT MUG! I got it for my husband many years ago and have no idea where I even got it. Cafe Press maybe? We had a Dharma one that cracked and broke. I’ll be sad when this one goes, I just love it.

  19. Kind of a tangent, but those bathroom light switches aren’t up to code, so you can totally validate replacing that entire set. Bathrooms require GFI outlets.

  20. I don’t know which is worse between the toe cut and the pajama drawer but I can tell you that if my outlet switch covers were effed up like that my panties would need to be surgically removed. Just no.

  21. I gave up on the pajama drawer a long time ago. I just put the freshly folded pajamas on top of the messy ones. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I actually clean it out about twice a year. MOTY.

  22. The thing is, so many bloggers try to write funny. And I think they’re nice people, and I want to be supportive, so I go, I read, and I type “That’s hilarious” when it ain’t so much.

    But this? YOU BE’D HILARIOUS FOR REAL.

    And the best hilarious writing is, on some level, profound for the way it humanizes pain. You did that. I’m agog at you.

  23. I am right there with you girl. I don’t know how my husband deals with me on those depression binges. I bought a horse back in October and she helps. She lets me cry all over her – doesn’t care if I have showered or brushed my teeth – doesn’t repeat anything I tell her – is always there for me. Amazing therapy for me. ♥♥♥

  24. “Overly animated walk” to dislodge the underwear. Raises hand guiltily. And I’ve also done the toe thing. That’s one of the hurtiest places to pluck!

  25. I swear to all things green and good, this is my existence every damn day! Except I have teenagers. Who never listen. I swear sometimes I think I’m speaking an ancient form of Mandarin Chinese that no living being has ever heard, because NO ONE ever freaking listens to me! And I totally would push an old Lady down for some carbs right now! So not kidding.

  26. I have also said this many, many, many times!

    I have actually said the words: “I’m not tired enough to sleep, but I am too tired to watch television.”

    #snarkon

  27. That was awesome, and so are you! I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, and now after climbing out of that hole and reflecting back on things, I see how I isolated myself, and I think it is fantastic that you are writing at all, let alone using a humour that reaches out to others and makes them smile and feel less lonely. Thanks for sharing, it takes guts to be as candid as you have been! P.S. I TOTALLY sympathize with the toe-hair situation, I am compulsive about that shit, and I definitely feel sexy once I have meticulously plucked out each one! 😉

    1. Thanks for your comment, Bonnie! “Candid” is my middle name 😉 I’m glad I brought a smile to your face and some comfort to your day. Stay with me and we will journey through our toe-hair adventures together!

  28. Bwahaha. Depression or not you are one hilarious woman and damn I love this post.

    We won’t even dare get started on what sends my panties up the crack. Too much at times, I tell ya. Often times they’re husband related, others it’s just my asshole neighnbors.

  29. Swap the cat hair for dog hair and its me all over! Couldn’t help but laugh at the photos, they could have been taken in my house.
    Depression is a life sucking bitch and never easy to talk about so thank you for being so open about it.
    Chronic pain which is made worse by exercise doesn’t help in my case. When I’m really bad it can take something as minor as a light being left on to make me go off the deep end and act like the world is over. Thankfully my son, and partner, get it and leave me alone with my ice-cream/chocolate/pasta-based whatever.
    After 30+ years of this crap it really does get harder to come back from the depths each time and get my panties unbunched, need to get my meds sorted I think :/

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