a christmas chat with cheeks and my girl T

It’s been too long, my loyal so-and-sos! Which is why I wanted to give you guys something funny to read before the holidays. Check it out while you’re waiting in line for seven hours at Target tonight, or while you’re waiting for your kids to FALL ASLEEP GOD DAMN IT on Christmas Eve, or while you’re delivering a big brown Christmas present to the toilet.

Speaking of presents, consider this blog post my holiday gift to you! Albeit a crummy one that you totally don’t even want. And that has the remnants of a scratched-off clearance sticker still on it. And that also looks suspiciously used and gross. “Enjoy!”

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WARNING! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU:

  • Love Christmas
  • Think everyone else should love Christmas
  • Are full of the Christmas spirit
  • Are full of any kind of holiday spirit at all
  • Actually enjoy having your kids home over Winter Break
  • Think cooking, cleaning and hosting are JUST! SO! MUCH! FUN!
  • Can get through the holidays without 17 gallons of boozy eggnog
BoozyEggnog
Cheeks and I enjoying some boozy eggnog last Christmas. DEM CHRISTMAS NERLS!hard-returngif

Forging ahead, then? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So a couple of days ago, my sister Cheeks, My Girl T, and I were online having a lovely, cheery, holly-jolly Christmas chat. Except for the lovely, cheery, and holly-jolly parts. What I’m saying is that it was mostly complaining. Complaining about a) men, b) Christmas, and c) men that do nothing to help over Christmas. So, all of them.

Let’s go!

Sarah:
Yay the Christmas tree fell over and broke a ton of ornaments and ruined some presents

Cheeks:
Oh no really? Was it the cat?

Sarah:
Nope, it just tipped over

T:
AIGHHHHHHH

Cheeks:
Aww man that sucks so bad

Sarah:
It’s probably because the new carpet is so squishy
The new carpet which is already disgusting and stained everywhere

Cheeks:
What did you do? Can you rescue the tree?

Sarah:
Yeah, not only did I have to basically decorate it myself last night, I had to do it again this morning

Cheeks:
Ugh

Sarah:
I also like how I am the only one who can do a dish or wash a clothes

Cheeks:
Your husband needs to help more
For reals

Sarah:
Oh like your fiancé is just a paragon of housekeeping lol

Cheeks:
Lol well he does clean the dishes at least
But he also cannot wash a clothes

Sarah:
Or change a litter

Cheeks:
Oh I don’t do any of the cat chores anymore since two pregnancies
It’s why he hates the cats so much haha

Sarah:
Oh please
I saw the “cleaned” litter

Cheeks:
Well I have low standards

Sarah:
Don’t worry my husband doesn’t do it either unless I throw a fit

Cheeks:
Your husband really helps out around the tennis court

Sarah:
Bahaha

Cheeks:
Kinda like how my fiancé helps out around the sailboat

Sarah:
Lmao
My husband is all I CAN’T HELP TODAY BECAUSE I HAVEN’T DONE ANY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Cheeks:
Oh lord
What a Christmas dumbass

Sarah:
Do you know how many people he has to buy presents for? Like 3.

Cheeks:
Right?

Sarah:
Me, our son, and his dad.
I’ve done everyone else for him already.

Cheeks:
I made my fiancé do his own family and he was on Amazon like… yesterday
Paying a million dollars for shipping

Sarah:
Oh my husband didn’t even get me half the things I wanted because they wouldn’t get here in time
Even though I gave him my Christmas list like 5 weeks ago

Cheeks:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Sarah:
CAN’T WAIT!

Cheeks:
Can’t wait! For the food I have to plan and cook!
Can’t wait! For this gift I bought myself and also wrapped for myself!

Sarah:
I especially loved being told four times yesterday that I have no Christmas spirit
I threw a fit

Cheeks:
lol good
Want to know what dumbass thing my fiancé did? Chartered a sailboat the whole week of Christmas

Sarah:
WHAT

Cheeks:
He thought it would be fun family times

T:
Fun for who

Cheeks:
Certainly not me when I’m getting sick from being below decks with two screaming babies

Sarah:
UGH
That’s horrible

Cheeks:
I told him he should just go sailing on his own and I wouldn’t mind
But no
He won’t go if he’s not dragging all of us into it
Because FAMILY

T:
That sounds horrible

Cheeks:
Lol I do not know WTF

Sarah:
I would have said hell no

Cheeks:
“You know what Christmas needs? A sporting adventure!”

Sarah:
“On the high seas!”

T:
I just picked my nail and it shattered and flew into both eyes

Sarah:
Kind of like my Christmas tree

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“Merry” Christmas, everyone! “Happy” Holidays!

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28 Replies to “a christmas chat with cheeks and my girl T”

  1. You’re a cute angry kitty. I like the bows. Festive. Hang in there girl. If you survived the plague, you can survive this. And hopefully when the kids go back to school you can finally get some rest. Merry Christmas!

  2. I do the dishes and the laundry and take out the garbage and cut the grass and play with/feed the kids and work full-time and blog 5 minutes a month and pick up around the house all the time without being asked. I also work out as much as I can, make jokes as much as I can, and rarely go out of the house to hang out with my friends.

    My wife and I STILL argue.

    Seriously.

    I’m going on strike.

  3. Tis the season…the season for drinking the wine straight out of the bottle, cursing dang manufactures who think packaging the smallest toy in the most plastic with weird shaped boxes is a great idea and children who change what they want every hour. My Christmas wish for you my funny source of daily amusement is that you emerge from the holidays unscathed slightly tipsy having experienced that one split second where it was totally worth it. (Then you snap back to reality and write something funny about the rest)

  4. Bahaha, yes.

    I work tomorrow and Boxing Day, long shifts (12.5 hrs) so I’m a bit crazy today getting things finished up and ready for both Christmas and the in-law festivities on the 26th. I asked my husband to help me make cookies and he did, but not without a sigh, an eye-roll, and a screaming match because when I asked him to get me a piece of cling film to wrap the giant slab of shortcrust dough I was holding, he just stared at me like an idiot. Then, he told me I shouldn’t make the cookies if it stressed me out so much, (because of course that was the only thing making me annoyed, right?) and went back to sit on the couch with his nose pressed against his tablet, all the while ignoring the kids screaming and killing each other.

    But he does all the laundry and I never wash dishes (so they’re mostly just dirty) so hey, I guess I can’t talk there.

    1. I hear you. My husband REALLY works hard at his job to support us, and he does all the outdoor stuff for our house for which I am extremely thankful. But November and December are REALLY hard for the family – we have my son’s birthday, Thanksgiving, my son’s Saint’s Day (big in Spain), Christmas, New Year’s, and Three Kings (another major Spanish holiday) in less than two months time. And I end up doing most of the work for all that stuff on top of my own job. So while I really appreciate his hard work most of the time, at the end of the year I am definitely more on the cranky side. I absolutely have no holiday spirit by the end of December. None!

  5. Yes, it’s totally been too long. Thanks for the laugh! I know this is blasphemy but I could absolutely do without Christmas. It’s just too stressful and puts so many people in bad moods.

    Your girl T didn’t participate much in this chat. Maybe she secretly has nothing to complain about and totally made up the thing about her nail shattering and flying into both eyes. I mean, how does that happen?! Perhaps her husband/partner/whatever works his ass off like Jeff does and she’s in a state of domestic holiday bliss. Sound fishy (fish-barfy, even) to me. 😉

    Merry Christmas!

  6. HAHAH..this is awesome.

    I can’t read your blog at my new job..you get caught in the filter..so I had to wait until I got home. It was worth the wait.

  7. Thank you for the Chrissy present Sarah! You got in first cos it’s 12:50am… I just finished watching a movie about a family of kickboxing bounty hunters called Christmas Bounty and so am chock full of Christmas spirit!
    I find out in a few hours if anyone else got me a present, because I didn’t wrap any for me from anyone this year… I got myself some pressies of course, but fuck wrapping them! Ha!
    Merry Christmas!! 🙂

  8. Oh yes, yes, yes. Momus is out shopping for me THIS MORNING despite the fact that I also gave him a list (with links!) about a month ago. He does do the dishes and his own laundry, however. So I’ll give him that.

    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas in which you sit on the couch all day and make your children bring you things.

  9. Very funny, Sarah! Hope you had a Merry Christmas. I hope there was lots of boozy eggnog. It’s the season and all that shit, right? XO

  10. Hahaha. Just got to this. Hilarious. Definitely could’ve used this humor before Xmas but c’est la vie! Hope you’re recovering nicely.

  11. I’m just reading this now so I hope the rest of your Christmas went better. I worked at BonTon for Christmas so I told him what to get. He got my discount and used my credit card so basically I just bought myself a Ninja blender and a Columbia jacket. I feel your pain!

  12. Before Christmas I was all fa la la yes, I have a lot to do but the halls are decked and someone else is cooking Christmas dinner so fa la! Yay for anticipating presents!

    By December 26th I was pissed off. I sent a list, with links, in NOVEMBER (my birthday is at the end of November) and you know what from that list I got? Two things. Know what they were? THREE CUTTING BOARDS, and TWO HALF SHEET PANS. And they were even wrapped TOGETHER. I had TWO things to open (the other one was a decently nice bracelet). The fact that the list included links to EIGHT different colors of a certain candle holder, EIGHT, didn’t suggest that MAYBE this was something I really wanted? Grr. And this is the second year in a row I’ve gotten the holiday shaft.

    Next year I am buying my own presents, and handing them over to be wrapped.

    Happy New Year.

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