a christmas chat with cheeks and my girl T

BoozyEggnog

It’s been too long, my loyal so-and-sos! Which is why I wanted to give you guys something funny to read before the holidays. Check it out while you’re waiting in line for seven hours at Target tonight, or while you’re waiting for your kids to FALL ASLEEP GOD DAMN IT on Christmas Eve, or while you’re delivering a big brown Christmas present to the toilet.

Speaking of presents, consider this blog post my holiday gift to you! Albeit a crummy one that you totally don’t even want. And that has the remnants of a scratched-off clearance sticker still on it. And that also looks suspiciously used and gross. “Enjoy!”

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WARNING! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU:

  • Love Christmas
  • Think everyone else should love Christmas
  • Are full of the Christmas spirit
  • Are full of any kind of holiday spirit at all
  • Actually enjoy having your kids home over Winter Break
  • Think cooking, cleaning and hosting are JUST! SO! MUCH! FUN!
  • Can get through the holidays without 17 gallons of boozy eggnog
BoozyEggnog
Cheeks and I enjoying some boozy eggnog last Christmas. DEM CHRISTMAS NERLS!hard-returngif

Forging ahead, then? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So a couple of days ago, my sister Cheeks, My Girl T, and I were online having a lovely, cheery, holly-jolly Christmas chat. Except for the lovely, cheery, and holly-jolly parts. What I’m saying is that it was mostly complaining. Complaining about a) men, b) Christmas, and c) men that do nothing to help over Christmas. So, all of them.

Let’s go!

Sarah:
Yay the Christmas tree fell over and broke a ton of ornaments and ruined some presents

Cheeks:
Oh no really? Was it the cat?

Sarah:
Nope, it just tipped over

T:
AIGHHHHHHH

Cheeks:
Aww man that sucks so bad

Sarah:
It’s probably because the new carpet is so squishy
The new carpet which is already disgusting and stained everywhere

Cheeks:
What did you do? Can you rescue the tree?

Sarah:
Yeah, not only did I have to basically decorate it myself last night, I had to do it again this morning

Cheeks:
Ugh

Sarah:
I also like how I am the only one who can do a dish or wash a clothes

Cheeks:
Your husband needs to help more
For reals

Sarah:
Oh like your fiancé is just a paragon of housekeeping lol

Cheeks:
Lol well he does clean the dishes at least
But he also cannot wash a clothes

Sarah:
Or change a litter

Cheeks:
Oh I don’t do any of the cat chores anymore since two pregnancies
It’s why he hates the cats so much haha

Sarah:
Oh please
I saw the “cleaned” litter

Cheeks:
Well I have low standards

Sarah:
Don’t worry my husband doesn’t do it either unless I throw a fit

Cheeks:
Your husband really helps out around the tennis court

Sarah:
Bahaha

Cheeks:
Kinda like how my fiancé helps out around the sailboat

Sarah:
Lmao
My husband is all I CAN’T HELP TODAY BECAUSE I HAVEN’T DONE ANY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Cheeks:
Oh lord
What a Christmas dumbass

Sarah:
Do you know how many people he has to buy presents for? Like 3.

Cheeks:
Right?

Sarah:
Me, our son, and his dad.
I’ve done everyone else for him already.

Cheeks:
I made my fiancé do his own family and he was on Amazon like… yesterday
Paying a million dollars for shipping

Sarah:
Oh my husband didn’t even get me half the things I wanted because they wouldn’t get here in time
Even though I gave him my Christmas list like 5 weeks ago

Cheeks:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Sarah:
CAN’T WAIT!

Cheeks:
Can’t wait! For the food I have to plan and cook!
Can’t wait! For this gift I bought myself and also wrapped for myself!

Sarah:
I especially loved being told four times yesterday that I have no Christmas spirit
I threw a fit

Cheeks:
lol good
Want to know what dumbass thing my fiancé did? Chartered a sailboat the whole week of Christmas

Sarah:
WHAT

Cheeks:
He thought it would be fun family times

T:
Fun for who

Cheeks:
Certainly not me when I’m getting sick from being below decks with two screaming babies

Sarah:
UGH
That’s horrible

Cheeks:
I told him he should just go sailing on his own and I wouldn’t mind
But no
He won’t go if he’s not dragging all of us into it
Because FAMILY

T:
That sounds horrible

Cheeks:
Lol I do not know WTF

Sarah:
I would have said hell no

Cheeks:
“You know what Christmas needs? A sporting adventure!”

Sarah:
“On the high seas!”

T:
I just picked my nail and it shattered and flew into both eyes

Sarah:
Kind of like my Christmas tree

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“Merry” Christmas, everyone! “Happy” Holidays!

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