the big book of parenting tweets: top 12

Hey, loyal so-and-sos! What’s up? How you be? How’s it hanging? And other dumb expressions!

So listen. I’m not sure how often you guys check out my sidebar, but the observant among you may have noticed that a new badge has recently appeared. A badge that looks a little something like this:


That’s right! I’ve had the amazing good fortune to be included in The Big Book of Parenting Tweetsan illustrated collection of 300-plus tweet jokes, real-kid conversations and snarky one-liners from more than thirty of the most hilarious Twitter comedians to ever change a diaper. Curated and edited by Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood, this book was illustrated by Ms. Ziegler herself.

So what should you expect from this book? Simple – the best and funniest Twitter material ever written about parenting, all compiled in one place for your convenience. You’ll find 300+ super funny jokes, acerbic one-liners, and wry observations about the highs, lows, really lows, and just-hit-bottoms of parenthood. As well as a handful of HILARIOUS tweets from yours truly:


But listen. I’d be lying if I said I even held a candle to the other contributors in this book, who are some of the most popular Twitter comedians out there. So I wanted to give you a sample of just what they can do. I picked twelve of my absolute favorite tweets from the book to give you just a hint of what this compilation is all about.



Mommy: *gets off the phone* Ugh. I sounded like a douche.
4yo: Whats a douche?
Mommy: Nothing.
Me: I gotta go to work.
4yo: Good-bye, douche!

There are days that start with a beautiful sunrise, and then there are days that start with mistaking a dead fly for a raisin.

Me: Found one of your sippy cups, bud.
2yo: I put away.
Me: Thank you, that’s a big help!
2yo: Ok. *throws in linen closet and walks away*

“One day, son, this will all be yours.”
*points to two pennies and a nickel found in dryer lint trap*

4yo: Mom!
Me: What?
4yo: I can’t get my head to come off!
Me: Pull harder, honey.
4yo: Ok!
4yo: Ow!
Me: *looks up from phone* Wait, what?

We have cute nicknames for each of our 2 kids. We call the 1st “The one who gets up at 5 a.m. EVERY day” and the other “The one we don’t hate.”

Things my kids gave me on Father’s Day:
1) Grief
2) Attitude
3) Malaise
4) A card Mom bought and forced them to sign.

Anytime I cannot find my kids, I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in.

With my wife away, my children keep asking me for things like meals and Band-Aids and sympathy, but I don’t know where we keep any of that.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Kid 1: What are sex slaves?
Kid 2: Yeah, what ARE sex slaves??
And that will conclude today’s play date.

I overheard this man say, “Whenever we make salad for the kids, they just love it.”
I hate him.


My son, to the stewardess: Thank you for the flight. I really enjoyed it.
My son, to me: Your breath smells.


If you didn’t laugh at any of these tweets, I diagnose you with I DON’T EVEN-itis. But if you *did* laugh at some, there are hundreds more like them in The Big Book of Parenting Tweets! This is the perfect stocking stuffer and I highly recommend stuffing a stocking with a copy of this book this holiday season. Learn more at the web site and then jump on over to Amazon and buy!


If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

21 Replies to “the big book of parenting tweets: top 12”

  1. Why do you read in the tub? Hahaha
    Go like my Bitter page as Sarah so I can post your links, please. Gracias.
    Oh, and the book is a must have. Thank god Christmas is coming and I get presents!

  2. This book looks awesome. Congratulations for being included in yet another anthology with cool and fab bloggers and Tweeters.

    P.S. Will you please stuff my stocking this year? Looks like you put good things in them instead of tangerines, walnuts, tooth brushes and cheap toys that break immediately and make children cry.

  3. Bwahaha. I’m not even a parent and this shit is hilarious.

    My husband and I were chatting recently and realized that some of our comments about/toward the cats are strangely similar to what parents say to their kids:

    “Quit humping your brother!”
    “No you can’t have my food!”
    “Dude, I’m trying to poop! Go away!”
    “Get off the damn table!”

    Sure, the young humans have two legs and my cats have four each but still, they have their similarities!

  4. Read it, and yes, it’s hilarious. I suppose I should figure out how to do the whole Twitter thang so I can keep reading more of yours and the others’ funny tweets!

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