how to throw a frugal wedding

During the summer of 2006, my sister Cheeks and I both got married.

It was her first wedding; it was my second. She chose June; I chose August. Hers was an outdoor ceremony; mine was a church do. She later exchanged her husband for a better model; I hung onto mine.

As you can imagine, the months leading up to the summer of 2006 were a nauseating blur of “talkin’ bout wedding shit” that started to bore even us after a while. Because there are really only so many “wedding shit” chats, texts, emails, and phone calls that two people can have without wanting to drive a pair of white satin spike heels into their eyeballs.

Luckily for you, we started to entertain ourselves a little. So sit back, take a load off, and enjoy: Sarah and Cheeks’ 2006 Guide to Throwing a Frugal Wedding.



Sarah: Okay. The first thing you have to get for a wedding is the bridal gown. We already mentioned a burlap sack. I recommend a plastic grocery bag for the headpiece. You can just jam it on over your hair. Instant veil!

Also, do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.
PRO TIP: Do your own makeup in a dimly-lit church basement for minimum cost and maximum hotness.

Cheeks: The bridesmaids can wear whatever they find in the ‘One Spot’ at Target.

Sarah: So, flip flops and a dress made of magnets.

Cheeks: baahahaha
Cheeks: and plastic bangles

Sarah: and scrunchies

Cheeks: and glitter

Sarah: and tea lights


Sarah: I think we already discussed the bouquets – sticks, dead stems, dirt, and cat barf
Sarah: held together with a 10-year-old scrunchie
Sarah: or one of those plastic claw clips that went out of style 100 years ago

Cheeks: I say boutonnieres made of leaves scraped out of the gutter
Cheeks: pinned on with those black clips you can steal from work

Sarah: BAHA
Sarah: For decorations, how about the gigantic Christmas ornaments that Mom finds on sale at “Home Goods”
Sarah: for 25 cents
Sarah: where you can clearly see the remnants of the orange “Clearance” stickers half-assedly scratched off

wedding boobs
A fabulous idea for homemade centerpieces. You’re welcome.

Cheeks: Hahaha that’s good
Cheeks: and strings of Christmas lights that half don’t work

Sarah: The outdoor kind. The huge ones. And half of them are broken and in shards.
Sarah: Also, for flowers? It’s back to Home Goods for the fakest, ugliest, cheapest ones we can find.
Sarah: “.0005 cents apiece for huge, fake, bright orange carnations with the leaves half off? I’ll take 10,000!”

Cheeks: Bahahaha
Cheeks: Of course, on clearance.

Sarah: Of course, with orange stickers.


Cheeks: For the DJ you could hook up a 20-year-old ‘tuner’ set to the AM jazz station that fritzes out every two minutes.

Sarah: No, even better – public broadcasting.

Cheeks: Bahaha like NPR

Sarah: Playing fusion jazz and world music, occasionally interrupting for “All Things Considered” and “Car Talk”


Sarah: Of course, the whole ceremony will be conducted in someone’s sun room or screened-in porch
Sarah: with everyone sitting on random mismatched lawnchairs, most of which smell like the basement or cat pee.

Cheeks: Bahaha oh of course
Cheeks: with ferns encroaching on personal space


Sarah: For appetizers, we will have ten-year-old biscotti in a big plastic jug from Sam’s that we can all pass around.
Sarah: For “butlered hor d’ouevres” we will have pizza rolls and “Bagel Bites”

Cheeks: taped to the cat
Cheeks: Oh and “Italian Dippers”

Sarah: BAHAHAaaaaa and mozzarella sticks
Sarah: and that artichoke dip that smells like feet
Sarah: For the main course? Campbell’s soup. “Chunky Style” if you want to splurge.
Sarah: And day old bread.

Cheeks: And salad in a bag.


Sarah: For the wedding cake, we will have “defrosted” Sara Lee pound cake, and by “defrosted” I mean you could totally bust a wall down with it.
Sarah: With Breyer’s Vanilla Bean ice cream.
Sarah: For the bride and groom figures it will be one naked headless Barbie doll, and one “butch” Barbie doll with her hair cut real short, and wearing Ken’s clothes.


Sarah: What else is left? Oh, photography. Well, duh. DISPOSABLE CAMERAS PEOPLE

Why not save money on photography by letting your friends take pictures with disposable cameras? Because of shit like this. That’s why.

Cheeks: Oh, not even.

Cheeks: It will be like one shitty webcam in the corner
Cheeks: broadcasting over “C-U C-Me”

Sarah: And someone will accidentally sit on it

Sarah: and release a series of farts, which will preclude any other audio from being transmitted.

Cheeks: It’s okay, it will be more entertaining than the fuzzy NPR from the tuner.


Cheeks: Invitations will be made in “Print Shop” with dumb church bell clip art
Cheeks: and printed on some shitty printer that leaves a bunch of lines.

Sarah: PRINT SHOP BAhhhhhh
Sarah: We’ll make them in the basement on the old Apple II+.

Cheeks: Yes and print them on dot matrix printers.


Well, folks? There you have it. When you’re interested in throwing a frugal wedding you know who to ask for advice. You heard it here first!

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32 Replies to “how to throw a frugal wedding”

  1. Holy Christ. You’re totally planning my next wedding, fake tits and all.


    Maybe an anniversary party. Because I’m really not planning on getting divorced. Dude is stuck with me FOREVAH.

  2. Those are going to go PERFECTLY with the penis mug I got you for Christmas. And that wedding on someone’s sun porch? I attended that wedding (just the venue part, not the Bagel Bites, 25 cent Christmas decorations, and Sara Lee pound cake). I was 11 1/2 months pregnant (actually, only 6, but it FELT like 11 1/2), it was August, and it was outside of Richmond, VA, which means we drove an hour and a half to attend a wedding on a sun porch. Good times.

  3. Hmmm. Our 5th wedding anniversary is next year. I’m thinking I should hire you to do a cheesy and borderline tacky vow renewal ceremony. My husband would love it.

  4. You guys could totally start you’re own wedding planner business, although I’d recommend starting in the Southeastern United States, since most weddings down there turn out kind of like this anyway. Except the boobies in the glasses are usually real.

    Not in the weird, serial killer “cut them off and put them in the glass” way. It’s more of a bride yelling “Hey ya’ll!! Come drink this Bud Light while I pour it over my bare tits!” kinda way.

    I’ve done the two marriage thing too, only I didn’t trade up. I simply opted out of the second one. This gives me plenty of time to write lonely, long-winded blog posts now, so it’s cool.

  5. Here’s how sad it was – we passed out disposable cameras to the guests and told them to take the damn pictures. We still have three in the drawer that were never developed. BWWWHAAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!

  6. From what I’ve seen on Etsy, I’m pretty sure there’s a market for stick, stem, dirt, and cat barf bouquets. You and Cheeks could make a killing selling them at a premium for being “handmade” and “upcycled”.

  7. Woaaah wait what are those boob things? Is that like a sippy cup? Forgive me, I’m naive to the ways of the world.

    Also: Everything about planning a wedding stresses me out.

    1. Those boob things are “stress balls” that my brother in law gave my husband for his wedding gift. They are sitting in two crystal candlestick holders that I got from one of *my* friends.

      Who’s classy and who isn’t, in this marriage?

      P.S. Neither of us are classy.

  8. Bwhahahahahaha!! The Barbie cake toppers did me in! I seriously LOLd and made my husband do the crazy, sideways glance. YOU KNOW THE ONE! lol And the farting….farts are ALWAYS funny. Great post <3

  9. Ha ha ha! I love this list. The kind of things you think of reminds me of me and my sister and our random sense of humour. And somehow it has reminded me of the cheesiest and funniest wedding invitation I have ever received which was from my cousin. It was handmade with pics of her And her fiance and said ‘two people, one love’. I still laugh every time I think of it. Apologies to anyone who may love that quote but I find it hilarious!

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