confessions of a dirty wife

This past week I found myself in a creative rut. No funny anecdotes were coming to mind. No hilarious stories were chomping at the proverbial bit, begging to be told. No charming quips or caustic barbs were on the tip of my tongue, waiting at the ready.

I was in a decidedly unfunny FUNK.

So I did what I have always done during such depressing times — laid in bed and played hours upon hours of video games.

But after a week of laying around doing nothing productive beyond amassing an overly self-indulgent number of ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!s, I eventually decided that I needed to… you know. Clean up my disgusting house. Do some chores. Return phone calls that I’d been ignoring for days. As you do.

It turns out that doing this stuff was just the kick in the butt I needed. Because suddenly, as I was doing laundry and trying to de-gross my house, INSPIRATION STRUCK! And that inspiration was this: I would take pictures of the ridiculous shit in my house and show them to all of my loyal so-and-sos.

Great idea, right? RIGHT?!

Let’s begin!

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Let’s start here with this humongous pile of clean laundry just hanging around IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM. Why, you ask, is it hanging around in the middle of my living room? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because I got tired, dropped the baskets, and deemed the situation “Eh. Good enough.”

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For those of you who were thinking about blowing this picture up and looking for panties, don’t bother. My grannies are the size of bed sheets and are basically indistinguishable from any other laundry in these baskets.

In the living room, next to the piles of clean laundry that will take six weeks for me to fold and put away, we also have what I like to call The Dumbest Purchase I’ve Ever Made: the IRIS LEGO 3-Drawer Sorting System. For a mere $39.99 per three tiny drawers’ worth of almost no storage space, you can sort all of your LEGOs once… and then never again! (We have three of these useless shits.)

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Oh, the careful and intricate organization of these LEGOs. Its beauty and composition almost makes one want to weep.

Moving into the kitchen, we come upon the following lovely tableau. I know, I know. You can barely tell it’s the kitchen, because the kitchen counter is covered with so much dirty CRAP you can’t even hardly see it. But trust me. It is the kitchen. We ostensibly prepare food here.

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Because the kitchen counter is absolutely the best place for a brand-new shirt and some… garbage.

Still, I like the above picture because you can *almost* see the BEST and most AWESOME picture my son has ever drawn for me. Here it is in all its glory:

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What? It’s a picture of Jack Skllnington. Don’t hate.

While I was touring the kitchen, I also noticed that the dishwasher was wide open. Yep, just wide open, with the top tray pulled out. At first I was confused, but then I remembered that I’d opened it about three hours before, intending to do the dishes. But then I was like: “Nope.” And walked away.

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Okay. So. I first noticed this next phenomenon in the kitchen but as I moved throughout the house I saw that it was more than just an anomaly – it was a PATTERN. And that pattern? Is that NONE OF THE CLOCKS IN OUR HOUSE TELL THE RIGHT TIME.

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Useful.

Hey. Hey guys. GUYS. I MADE THE BED, GUYS. This is how you do it, right? I mean, that’s where the blanket goes, right? On top of the pillows like that? And all the sheets and pillowcases should be different colors and patterns, right?

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Look at those hospital corners. You could bounce a quarter off those sheets. (If the quarter was made of a Super Ball and you flung it on the bed at 900 miles per hour.)

See anything interesting in the above picture besides the perfectly made bed? No? Are you sure? You didn’t happen to see… THIS?

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It’s an important question.

Our last stop is the best stop: the basement. Oh, the basement. Full of mementos and marvelous wonders, it never ceases to intrigue the mind and tickle the fancy. I know I could spend hours down there just combing through old memories if it weren’t for the fact that it smells like a MILDEWY PIECE OF SHIT.

Speaking of mementos:

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“Ah yes, darling. Remember these… potty seats? They do indeed bring a tear of reminiscence to my eye.”

I also think it speaks volumes about my cooking habits that the roasting pan is a) in the basement, b) in its original box, c) hasn’t been used since Thanksgiving, and d) wasn’t used since the Thanksgiving before that.

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I really do make a mean turkey. I just make ONE A YEAR AND THAT’S IT.

And finally, over in the corner near the whatever that thing is, a delightful memory of Christmases Past:

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By the way, that dead fly and/or earwig was HUMONGOUS.

And that’s the end of our tour! Pictures that did not make it into this post include:

  1. A pair of my dirty underpants lying on the stairs;
  2. My husband’s limited edition Hellcat Records Fender guitar that he has played not even once (he never learned how);
  3.  A framed finger painting of my son’s with the somewhat disturbing title of “FINGER”;
  4.  The neatly stacked pile of gardening books sitting in the basement that I have never even cracked open; and
  5. The plungers in EVERY. SINGLE. BATHROOM. because our water pressure su~ucks. (Also we do big poops.)

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I hope you enjoyed this and remember! If you haven’t already done so, consider following est. 1975 on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest! I add fresh, hilarious material every single day.

69 Replies to “confessions of a dirty wife”

  1. I LOVE this!! My son can help your husband with guitar playing. Have him bring it over some time when my son’s band is here. His guitarist can tune it, too. 🙂

  2. Well…HAVE you urinated? And, more importantly, was it in the toilet? Are you running a nail salon out of your house?! Just curious…

  3. HAHHAHA…I love your house. Your house looks like my house.

    I especially appreciate the dishwasher. Hubs and I have a battle of wills as to who will unload the clean silverware. We end up just washing it over and over. I think 4 cycles is the record so far.

    1. I HATE UNLOADING THE SILVERWARE. Why is it so horrible? It shouldn’t be, but somehow it is. And there’s always some gross soggy bit of unidentifiable food stuck on a fork that makes me want to barf.

  4. I think the litter box for the dead cats was the perfect ending touch. Also, I am very impressed the roasting pan makes it back into the box bc once I get something out of the box I can never get it back in. (man that sentence could be taken a whole different way couldn’t it!)

  5. thank you so much for being real. such a welcome change from all the perfect home posts that make me feel inferior. your post lets me know that i am not alone – that there are kindred spirits out there. if you were my neighbor i would so want to be your BFF.
    thanks. mwah.

  6. I’m sure the reindeer deserved it. And thanks for the heads up on those LEGO trays because that looks exactly like the type of crap this neat freak would buy and only after the purchase realize it would never get used.

  7. My house looks exactly the same. Except my sticker says, “Have you pooped?” and I flung the potty seats off of a big cliff approximately .0000023 milliseconds after they were no longer necessary.

  8. Same name, just spelled different. Same year. I love your home just as it is, humongous dead bug and all. I think we’re living some kind of parallel life here!

  9. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I get so overwhelmed by all the *stuff* that needs my attention that I end up doing nothing.

  10. Love this! We have four clocks in what is essentially one room (kitchen open to great room/living room) and for YEARS they all told different times, and I never knew which one was right. I finally made my husband go around and fix them all (I don’t do clocks, light bulbs, batteries, or lawns), because I was sick of telling time by the fucking Disney Channel.

      1. That was usually what ended up happening–the kids would look at all the wrong clocks and whine, “But it’s not x o’clock yet,” and I would say, “According to my phone it is, so STFU” (or words to that effect.

        It was fun! I’ll ping you on Saturday night. I know with my fabulous jam packed schedule exactly where I’m going to be :p

  11. We have a man coming to give us an estimate for new windows and I was just looking around feeling bad about the toys and dog hair. I feel much better now. Thanks.

  12. Ah, you have brought a tear of joy to my eye….I am NOT ALONE! My living room is like the apartment clone of yours! I am too scared to EVER do a blog tour of my house….no telling WHAT you might find! (Which is probably why I spend so much time on this computer…)

  13. I am cracking up just as much at the comments from your terribly hilarious readers as I am from your post. My house? Four adults, ADULTS! live here and there is always a nightmare growing on at least one of the surfaces, usually all of them. Shit just never ever stops.

    1. I think the adults are worse than the kids because they are GROSS. My son would not dare to blow his nose in a Kleenex and then leave it on the floor. But my husband?

      GROSS.

  14. The worst spot in my house would probably be the fridge. It’s cluttered and last year’s Christmas leftovers are probably growing hair or balls or whatever. I hate touching or seeing old food.

  15. 1. My, you have a lot of clocks, especially the kind that hang on the wall.
    2. Gee, if you substitute “garage” for “basement” your house looks like mine!!!!
    3. Why do Americans have so much, um, crap?
    4. Totally have the plunger issue myself.

    Loved the post. It made me laugh!

    1. 1. Yep. They hang on the wall. Being useless and gathering dust.
      2. Yay!!
      3. I don’t know, but we sure as hell do.
      4. It is the worst.

      Thanks for reading! Glad I could tickle your funny bone!

  16. Wait.. People actually put laundry away. It doesn’t sit in baskets in the living room until the baskets are empty and laundry needs to be done again. If I can get the kitchen counter visible once a week its miraculous.
    Its really lucky we don’t have a basement because I shudder to think what that would look like.

  17. No judgment here regarding the cleanliness of your house – a little clutter is good for the soul, they say (OK – I say it! It makes me feel better). However, your post does raise the following questions: Why do you have so many damn clocks and are you ever on time for anything? What is the story behind the “Have you urinated?” sign? And, you said “cats that died last year” – plural. Was there a cat-astrophy of some sort?

    1. I will surely answer all of your questions, Jana. I trust you.

      1. I think “clearance sales” might have a lot to do with why we have so many clocks. And no. We are never on time for ANYTHING.
      2. One of my high school friends had a magnet on her fridge that said “Have you urinated?” I said “I want that magnet.” She said, “I have a friend who works at a hospital, she can get billions of these.” Then she sent me one in the mail. It’s stuck to the metal nail polish cart.
      3. There was actually. My cats were both old, but the oldest (17 years) died of what was most likely cancer. The younger one (14 years) died shortly thereafter of… well, the official diagnosis was pancreatitis, but I’m pretty sure it was loss. 🙁

      1. Thanks for trusting me, Sarah! Now that I’ve had my picture taken with Flat Sarah at BlogHer, I feel like we are practically BFFs! I’m sorry about your kitties – I’ve had several that have passed (not that I’m a cat-killer or anything) and it’s hard every time. Yet I keep getting new cats. I need to watch that – especially now that I’m single again – I could easily end up an old cat lady.

        1. WE ARE BFFS!

          While I hate that you’re single again, I love that you’re ready to start a new life and a new set of adventures. <3 Can you tell I’ve been divorced? Ha.

  18. Thank you, it makes me feel so good to know I’m not alone!! At least you have a dishwasher, mine is broken so my sink is always full of dishes and silverware. I hate washing silverware that’s why we use plastic wear and paper plates. Thanks again !!!

    1. After living without a dishwasher for seven years, it was a prerequisite for buying this house. We keep that thing up and running, no matter what the cost. I HATE WASHING DISHES IS WHAT I’M SAYING. 😉

  19. You are insanely brave. Our house is the prequel to Hoarders. So never ever going to post photos. NEVER. But you are an inspiration.

  20. This is the best thing I have ever read. Love the shit Lego organizer reference. I also have multiple time zones on my clocks. Amen sister. Here’s to Gen X.

  21. I totally can appreciate your lovely home, since I am one pizza box short of a hoarder. But the clock thing would piss me off beyond control. Loved this!

  22. I love this post and I just adore you. Something I learned long ago that always sticks with me…There is no connection in perfection. In other words we connect because of our imperfections! Ahhh, isn’t that the best. I know this to be true because I have a newly bought shirt (still in the bag) on my kitchen counter too.

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