dad needs new ears

The following is a phone conversation I had with my awesome, albeit 72-year-old, father today. As you will see, it starts out just fine. Then it quickly degenerates into ME YELLING EVERYTHING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.



Dad: “Hello there!”
Me: “Hey, Dad.”
Dad: “What’s up?”
Me: “Not much. I’m just calling to see if you got the check from Cheeks.”
Dad: “What?”
Me: “Cheeks and I put some money together so you could buy a new cell phone, remember?”
Dad: “Oh! Yes. I remember.”
Me: “Well, she sent you a check a while ago. Did you get it?”
Dad: “Get what?”
Me (louder): “THE CHECK.”
Dad: “No, I didn’t get a text.”
Me (more louder): “NOT A TEXT.  A CHECK.”
Dad (irritated): “Nobody sent me a text!”
Me (even more louder): “NOT A TEXT, DAD. A CHECK. C-H-E-C-K.”
Dad: “A what?”
Me (the loudest): “A CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Dad: “A check?”
Me: “YES.”
Dad: “A check for what?”
Dad: “No, I didn’t get a check.”
Me: “Okay. Great. That’s what I was calling to find out.”
Dad: “…”
Dad (annoyed): “Yes!”
Me: “So for sure there’s no check there?”
Dad: “No check.”
Me: “All right, I’ll tell her to put a stop payment on that one and send you another one.”
Dad: “Another what?”
Me: “GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD” *jumps off cliff*


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20 Replies to “dad needs new ears”

  1. My grandmother is like this. Or was–at 101, she finally stopped answering her phone. My cousin once had a conversation with her as she tried to get to her gmail and my cousin ended up screaming, “No, go to ‘gmail dot com’ like g as in girl!” And my grandmother said, “What’s that, dear? I should go to girlmail dot com?” I think that’s when my cousin drank hemlock. Good times.

      1. Ha! I was typing this on my phone, or I would have added that my cousin was on the ferry at the time coming home from work, and the conversation was really more like:

        Cousin: “Go to”
        Grandmother: “What’s that dear? B mail? C mail? D mail?”
        Cousin: “No, G mail–G as in GIRL”
        Grandmother: “What’s that dear? I should go to girlmail dot com?”

        So she’s screaming at the top of her lungs at our grandmother and people around her are looking at her like she’s some sort of deranged lunatic. It was a happy day when my grandmother decided to stop answering her phone and just listen to the messages afterwards.

        1. My grandmother was pretty capable as long as we walked her through it. Well, except for the part where we needed a phone number that ended in 76 to reset her Gmail password. She swore up and down she had no idea what number that was. It was her cell phone number.

  2. Oh my…hahahah…I hardly ever talk to my dad, but my mom? All the time. She’s 74 and she still hears fine…for that I am grateful.

    Talking to her on the phone isn’t hard, hanging up is impossible. My mother can stretch a goodbye out for 20 minutes.

  3. My grandma couldn’t access her gmail because “a virus blocked the whole computer.” “Grandma, that’s just a pop-up ad. Click the X in the corner.”

  4. When my grandfather was in his 90s, you never knew if he could hear you or because he not only was 93 but had damaged hearing from unloading cargo planes at SFO. So one time I’m driving him home, another driver cuts me off. I just muttered,”That asshole cut me off . . .” thinking I was just talking to myself, when Grandpa just chuckles and said, “That asshole sure did!”

    Obviously one of my favorite memories of him.

    1. This has nothing to do with hearing loss, but one of my favorite memories of my grandfather is when he was driving me and my grandmother somewhere, and I was in the back seat scared for my life and texting my husband: “If I die, I love you.” True story.

  5. Oh, Jeez – my mother is starting to get like this and she’s ONLY 64! What am I worried about? For one, I am impatient as FUCK! Secondly, I am foul-mouthed but at least there’s solace in the fact that I totally get that from her. LOL But you know how it goes – all of a sudden it’s “mean” and “heartbreaking” when I start talking to HER the way she spoke to ME. ALL. MY. LIFE! I hope she’s ready… :P

  6. My 73 years old dad is smart… He says: ” It’s not that I don’t hear, YOU don’t articulate when you talk to me!” Yeah, right… Years ago I rang my parents to tell them about my new boyfriend (now husband). I told my dad he was from ” l’Ile Maurice (Mauritius)”, but he actually understood he was an “Islamist”. For a couple of days before I rang back, he had nightmares thinking of me, locked up in a house and forced to convert to Islam…

  7. My dad is 81. Somehow as his hearing has started to fade, so has his voice. We pretty much can’t have a phone conversation anymore because everything he says is a whisper. The two of us spend the entire conversation saying “What?!”

    Cassandra recently posted: Giggling at My Funeral

    1. Hi Cassandra! I have just recently started stalking your site 😛 so what a coincidence that you showed up here! <3

      My grandma is 88 and a really soft-spoken lady to begin with so I hear that. If she calls and I’m anywhere that is *not* a completely quiet room, I’m like: “Not picking up.” Talking to her while I’m at the grocery or in the car would be a waste of both of our time.

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