vicki lesage: sauce deluxe

Today I am tickled pink to bring you this hilarious guest post from writer, blogger, humorist, and all-around hot mama Vicki Lesage. You can find Vicki on her personal blog and in her memoirs Confessions of a Paris Party Girl and Confessions of a Paris Potty Trainer.

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Ever wonder what it’s like eating at a McDonald’s in Paris? Ever not wonder, but then you just read that last sentence and now maybe you are wondering? Well, you’re in luck. Read on, and discover everything you ever wanted to know about Parisian McDonald’s employees and their unhealthy possessiveness of Sauce Deluxe.

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Pulp Fiction taught me loads of useful information. If someone ODs in front of me, stab a syringe of adrenaline into their sternum (kids, don’t try this at home). I now know the difference between a motorcycle and a chopper (truth: I don’t). Most importantly, mayonnaise + fries = artery-clogging pieces of heaven.

Move along, ketchup. Cavort with hot dogs and burgers all you want. My fries need more calories than you can offer. And not only does mayo with fries taste better, but you look European. Classy.

McDonald’s in France took it one step further, creating Sauce Deluxe. It’s fancy. Don’t believe me? “Deluxe” is right there in the name! I’m not sure exactly what the sauce is, but it’s rich and creamy and has herbs in it. It’s mayonnaise’s rich, sexier cousin. I don’t need to know more. I just want to dip my fries in it, smear it on my face, and swim in a pool of it if I can get my hands on enough of it.

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King of the Sauces.

But that’s the thing. You can’t get your hands on enough of it. The McDonald’s employees guard that stuff like it’s the Crown Jewels. Ordering it requires some secret code. And you’re never sure it’ll actually be waiting for you at the bottom of your soggy take-out bag.

You see, Its Royal Highness is served as a side for Deluxe Potatoes, which is French for “deluxe potatoes.” You have to say it with an accent in order to be understood, so you end up sounding like an asshat saying “deuh-loox poh-tay-tohs” with really wimpy t’s.

Deluxe Potatoes are fine but they’re not as luxurious as they sound. They’re just potato wedges, really. And the potato-to-deep-fried ratio is all out of whack. A French fry gives you way more grease for your buck.

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Deluxe Potatoes. French for “meh.”

So your best bet for a tasty calorie-laden feast is fries with Sauce Deluxe, but good luck completing this black market transaction. My crazy fry-lovin’ ass always tries anyway. “Bonjour, I’d like a Big Mac Menu (pronounced “Beeg-uh Mack-uh Men-oo”) with Sauce Deluxe on the side.”

One of three things will happen:

1. “Huh? Which sauce?” Bitch, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m saying. There’s no other sauce that even sounds remotely like the one I just said. But no matter how many times I repeat “Soss deuh-loox” I’m met with a blank stare. Finally, I tap out Morse code and comprehension dawns. “Ah, you meant soss deuh-loox.” Gah, that’s exactly what I said!

2. “You can only get that with Deluxe Potatoes, not fries.” What, are they stapled together? Why can’t I get Sauce Deluxe with anything other than Deluxe Potatoes? Here’s 30 Deluxe Cents, gimme the damn sauce.

3. “Sure.” Wait, what? I anticipated more of a problem than this. Oh, there we go. They forgot to put the damn sauce in the bag, forcing me to eat plain fries. Did you hear me? PLAIN FRIES, people. The horror.

It shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to order it, pay for it, and receive it. It’s McDonald’s, not rocket surgery.

But after years of hardcore investigative work, I finally cracked the code.

Step 1: Order everything EXCEPT the Sauce Deluxe. Wait until they repeat it back to you so that you’re sure they didn’t eff the rest of it up.

Step 2: When they ask “Is that all?” NOW is when you say, as if it just occurred to you, “Oh, and a Sauce Deluxe.” They’ll say “You have to pay,” in a tone that indicates they think you’re too cheap to pay 30 cents. You respond with “OK,” in a tone that says, “I eat 30 cents for breakfast” because if you’re going to fork over that much cold hard cash you might as well feel superior about it.

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Oh, you need exact change? Hold on a sec. It’s in my other treasure chest.

Step 3: Wait 20 minutes for them to assemble your order because even though it’s fast food, they never anticipated that more than one person between the hours of 6 pm and 8 pm would want a Big Mac. They did anticipate you’d want fries, though, so those are getting nice and cold in your bag while you wait.

Step 4: Right as they’re about to hand you the bag, gently ask “And the Sauce Deluxe is in there, right?” Nine times out of ten, it won’t be. But if you would have asked earlier, they would have made a mental note to get it later and then forgot. The sauce is too cool to sit in the bag like a chump; it has to be the last to arrive to the party.

Now 30 cents lighter and one Sauce Deluxe heavier, you’re ready to relax and enjoy cold fries. Totally worth it.

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A Midwest native, Vicki currently lives in Paris, where she indulges in wine when she’s not busy working or having babies. IT Director by day, she squeezes in writing wherever she can, from blog posts to books. Her common theme is complaining about France but as an equal opportunist she complains about plenty of other things as well. She loves fondue, wine, math, and zombies. Everything’s better with zombies.

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Photo credits:
“Gold coins”: English Wikipedia, original upload 17 September 2005 by Swiss Banker, who is the creator of the image. Licensing: Public domain. This work has been released into the public domain by its author, Swiss Banker at Wikipedia. This applies worldwide. — Modified

52 Replies to “vicki lesage: sauce deluxe”

  1. HAHAHA…this is the best post I’ve read about french fries ever written in the history of blog posts written about french fries.

  2. I had my appendix removed while on vacation in Paris. I had the most difficult time having a shower in the hospital because apparently when you say “towel” in English and make a motion like you’re drying your hair, the French are too sophisticated to understand. Even though the word for “towel” in French is “towelette”.

    But I have had the sauce of which you speak. It is awesome. We’re going to the Netherlands in two weeks – and it’s on my list of things we have to over eat.

    Great blog. Thanks for the giggles.

    1. During my French hospital stays I’ve received a note with every meal wishing me “Bon appetit” and never once got a towel. Priorities, people!

  3. “mayonnaise’s rich, sexier cousin”
    “rocket surgery”
    “I eat 30 cents for breakfast”

    Holy hell, I’m in love. With this post. With Vicki. With french fries and deluxe sauce. (And of course with you, Sarah.)

      1. I tried really hard not to look at the calories. Wow. I’m pretty sure if I looked in the mirror I’d see “85″ on my ass. But, as you say, “totally worth it”.

  4. LOVE THIS! I once posted about my missing ketchup. I don’t like naked fries. And McDonald’s can’t get an order right no matter WHERE they are located! I wait and ask for my sauce at the window. Then if they say they have to charge me I will sit right there until they ring up that stupid $.30 THEN I ALWAYS check my bag before pulling away. Hey….they always mess up. Sorry dude behind me….

    1. You HAVE to check the bag, rest of the line be damned. My husband is too polite to do it so whenever he brings home McDonald’s we have, at best 1/3 of our order. And never the damn Sauce Deluxe.

      1. What is with European husbands being insufferably polite to EVERYONE? Mine is polite to rude strangers all day, and it builds up and builds up, and then when he gets home from work he’s like “I’ve given all I have to give! Now I must be a total butthole to my wife the rest of the night!”

  5. I can sympathize. Do you want to know what the problem is with being a scratch-making foodie who is calorie counting for weight loss? I made homemade mayonnaise with cracked pepper and rosemary and made the mistake of totalling the calories in the batch (some 1770ish). By my best estimates, if I skip breakfast and Zumba my ass for 45 minutes, I can afford to lick the lid of the mason jar I stored it in.

    By the way, if you’ve never tried dipping fries in Ranch dressing, I’m pretty sure it has to come near to the deliciousness of this magic French sauce, which is probably something like mayo, dijon mustard and herbs de province. Translate me the ingredient label and I’ll putz for you 😉

      1. I can’t read everything on the tiny label but here’s almost all of the ingredients: water, vegetable oil, creme fraiche (like sour cream), chives, egg yolk, vinegar, fermented milk, onion, sugar, salt, pepper

        Work your magic! Mmm.

  6. I’m in France right now, and coincidence, I was just planning to go to McDonalds with the kids today. I wasn’t particularly happy about it but now at least I have a goal: To try that sauce!

      1. I’m back from McDonalds, and I got a sauce that is the exact description of that creamy deluxe sauce, except it was called Pommes-Frites sauce ( fries sauce) and it was given instead of the mayonnaise. Is that a new thing? Maybe they got fed up of people asking for it!

          1. Can’t remember, we ate the 4 little bags they gave us it was so good!! I checked the McDonalds website though, it seems it’s not exactly the same after all… The ingredients are a bit different. The don’t specify which spices are used on the Pommes-Frite sauce. It might all be a conspiracy after all 😉 In Ireland where I live, we don’t have so much choice, and even though I’m French, I was very confused in McDonalds today!!

            1. When I lived in Ireland in the early 2000’s, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have it back then. But I could be wrong. Didn’t go to McDonald’s much… I wasted all my money on booze and chip shops.

    1. Nooooo! If Sauce Deluxe is mayonnaise’s richer, sexier cousin, Pommes-Frites Sauce is its nerdier, slobbier, uglier cousin’s dandruff. I’d rather have ketchup, and that’s sayin’ something. It’s really a shame you chose now to come to France because McDo is putting Sauce Deluxe on temporary hiatus, since Deluxe Potatoes are on temporary hiatus while they feature something called “chips” which are neither potato chips nor the British version of fries. They’re horrible AND they’re the reason my precious Sauce Deluxe is unavailable. I want them dead.

  7. Great post! As an American living in Paris, I’m ashamed to say I’ve never had the sauce deluxe… but after reading this post, I’m going to go out there and give it a try! I have experienced the cold fries unfortunately. At least we’re safe with the ice cream since it is supposed to be cold. 😉

    1. ATTENTION: SAUCE DELUXE IS ON HIATUS. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INADVERTENT CONSUMPTION OF “POMMES-FRITES SAUCE”. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

      Hopefully Sauce Deluxe will be back on the menu soon…

    1. Squee! I can’t even count how many FB posts of yours I’ve liked and then read out loud to my husband. And now you’re commenting on my guest post. *dances around like lunatic* *neighbors ask to cut out that racket* *don’t care, la la la!*

  8. Hahahaha I have had this EXACT experience with Paris McDonalds!! And yet, the French consume more of the stuff than any other European country… you’d think they’d be able to figure out that hot french fries are where it’s at lol. The battle for sauce deluxe is real people, and heavens forbid you ask for TWO things of it!! Quelle merde!!

  9. Holy Hell!! You had me at Pulp Fiction and jamming a syringe of adrenaline into someone’s sternum … and then you talked about mayo on fries!?? That’s my FAVORITE!! Now I need to put Paris at the top of my Worldly Travel To Do List so I can get my paws on some Sauce Deluxe!

    I’ve become an immediate fan of Vicki!

  10. Hahaha, this was great! Fucking McDonalds….sucking ass all over the globe.

    I must try to crack the formula for this special sauce so that I can bottle it and make millions selling it to fat assed ‘mericans. They’ll eat it with their fries and like it! Ketchup is so yesterday.

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