my sister the hoarder

From 1975 to 1983, my life was golden. I was an only child, I got all of my parents’ attention, and most importantly, I didn’t have to share a bedroom.

Then my sister came along and RUINED. EVERYTHING.

Ha ha. Only kidding. My sister and I have a fantastic relationship. There’s always been a real give and take there, you know? Even when she was really small. She would trail along behind me wherever I went, all doe-eyed and loving and worshipful… and in return I would chase her around the house, shrieking at the top of my lungs about how I was going to “put her in the oven and cook her up.”

Give and take, people. Give and take.

Anyway, I was just going through some old chat archives and I happened to stumble upon this chat my sister and I had in 2006. It’s about her hoarding and slovenly ways, and we both think it’s pretty funny.

(By the way, my sister and I have agreed that she shall be referred to from now on as “Cheeks.”)

(Why?)

(She got buns, hon.)

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Cheeks: okay so I’m organizing my jewelry box
Cheeks: I have some seriously old crap in here

Sarah: oh god
Sarah: if I never cleaned mine out it would be ASS

Cheeks: all those heart pins with my name on them
Cheeks: half a “Best Friends” pin and I have no idea who has the other half
Cheeks: one earring from your wedding
Cheeks: a GIRL SCOUT pin
Cheeks: a piano pin given to me by my piano teacher
Cheeks: a “Lisle Balloonfest” pin
Cheeks: this shit is hilarious
Cheeks: an “Angel on your Shoulder” pin I used to wear in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Cheeks: an “All Star” soccer pin

Sarah: yeah because you were just such an “All Star” at soccer
Sarah: LISLE BALLOONFEST, you didn’t even go to that!
Sarah: you were like not even born!

Cheeks: I KNOW
Cheeks: WHY DO I HAVE THIS

Sarah: you have it because you STOLE IT FROM MOM

Cheeks: but I was like… seven
Cheeks: so why the crap do I STILL have it
Cheeks: a pin of the Olympic torch. I shit you not.

Sarah: how big is your jewelry box, 800 tons?

Cheeks: not anymore!
Cheeks: my god
Cheeks: too funny

Sarah: do you have any “friendship bracelets”?

Cheeks: no, just the “Best Friends” pin
Cheeks: like… why

Sarah: the “Lisle Balloonfest” one is probably the worst.

Cheeks: I dunno, this “All Star” soccer pin and Olympic torch
Cheeks: and the one random Girl Scout pin

Sarah: hahah you used to be really into Girl Scouts though, weren’t you?

Cheeks: sure, but when I was 8!
Cheeks: it’s amazing the shit the younger me found fit to save
Cheeks: and what the older me was too lazy to clean up

Sarah: you dont even know how much I threw out of yours

Cheeks: bahaha
Cheeks: I believe it

Sarah: one time Mom paid me $50 to clean your room and I threw out SIXTEEN BAGS OF TRASH

Cheeks: OMG I remember that, and I was so pissed
Cheeks: I mean seriously, way to completely violate someone’s privacy

Sarah: dude
Sarah: believe me
Sarah: I’m sure you didn’t want a bunch of stained purple plastic purses (that used to be MINE) full of used tampons, pennies, sanitary napkin wrappers, pens that didn’t even work anymore, and 10-year-old gum

Cheeks: bahaha

Sarah: trust me I didn’t throw out ANYTHING you might have really wanted to save
Sarah: oh and I forgot to mention the 8,000 pounds of cheap makeup Mom would buy you that you would use once, throw in your purse, then step on accidentally and break it, so not only would the makeup be ruined but the purse would be covered on the inside with light blue eyeshadow chunks

Cheeks: bahahaha
Cheeks: touché

cheeksgif
Cheeks and I.

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Photo credits:
Artist: Albert Anker (1831–1910). Title: The little knitters. Date 1850-1900. Source/Photographer: Unknown, First uploaded to Commons 00:58, 20 March 2006 by User: Rlbberlin. Licensing: This is a faithful photographic reproduction of a two-dimensional, public domain work of art. The work of art itself is in the public domain. — Modified

16 Replies to “my sister the hoarder”

  1. I love this so much.

    I haven’t thought of this in years, but my sister and I made a tape and this would have been before you were born, we were doing a variety show..probably Carol Burnett or Donny and Marie style…I don’t remember. The only thing I remember is the commercial…I was doing a commercial for Kleenex and I whispered to my sister Christy, who was probably 5 years old, to pretend to blow her nose and then she really blew her nose. Snot all over the place. There was silence on the tape and then 9 year old me saying…ewwwww…Christy…

    You really have to have heard it to appreciate how funny that is.

    1. I don’t have to hear it to appreciate how funny it is, because my sister and I had a similar tape. I would tell her to “start telling me a story” but then every time she started I would begin singing really loudly and obnoxiously (LALALALA etc.) Of course she got mad, because she was only like 5, and she stopped to yell at me to “STOP SINGIN’. I’M TRYIN’ TA TELL YOU A STORYYYYY.” Then there was a moment of quiet… and a Noise.

      Me: “Was that a fart?”
      Her: “Yes.”

  2. I think my parents are hoarders. I went into the basement last time I visited and they had ever charm bracelet I ever made ever! Which was at least 800 tons.

  3. I remember LALALA tape! Also the time you chased her with a “pickle ” in a mug. And when she was trapped in her baby plaything struggling to get out for like half an hour and we just laughed. Good times.

    1. I tell the story about the baby plaything to EVERYONE. Remember how red her face got? My son always wants me to tell it to him at bedtime and I do (and imitate the face and the noises she was making) and he laughs his ASS off.

  4. I’m a hoarder too. But a really stupid one. I saved all my essays from high school (that are so dumb), but didn’t save the issue of Dynamite Magazine in which I had a Bummer published. Dude. I got $5 for that Bummer, but I can’t prove it.

    Oh, and I love you and your sister. More please.

  5. Your sister and my mother in law should get together and go bowling (except my MIL is dead, so maybe scratch that). I have two billion pins (roughly) that she collected over the years, and they are so random. A log with a hatchet in it that says, “Lincoln’s Birthplace” on it. A plastic sombrero. A turkey with actual feathers on it. Seriously weird shit and I can’t believe she ever wore any of it. But she sure did keep it.

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