yellow legs

So a few days ago I started having some pain in what felt like my left ovary. Given the nature of my recent surgery, I thought that I should maybe probably absolutely talk to the doctor about it. It took a few days for me to get past the gauntlet of nurses who always seem to take waaaaaay too much satisfaction in keeping me away from the doctor AT ALL COSTS, but I finally got an appointment with him yesterday morning.

Given the thatchy and overgrown state of my down-below, I thought that I should probably show the doctor a little consideration and attempt to whack back the weeds. I know, I know — gynecologists allegedly don’t care. They claim to be totally immune to the state of their patients’ nether regions, because blah blah clinical detachment and also they’ve “seen it all before.” And maybe that’s true. If a crusty 1950’s vagrant popped out of my vagina with a checkered handkerchief tied to a stick and a lengthy discourse on the ins and outs of the “hobo code,” my doctor would probably shrug and be all: “NBD.”

Nevertheless, I felt a nice long shower and some bush maintenance were in order.

Now. There’s two things you need to know before I go any further with this story:

1. I’d had a little bit of pain with urination when I woke up that morning, so I’d taken one of those Uristat pills that help your pee-hole feel better but also turn your piss BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW.

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Not actually my pee. BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I’M NOT *THAT* GROSS. But this is essentially what my pee looked like.

2. Since the surgery, I’ve had a lot of leakage. You know. Urine leakage. And sometimes I don’t even notice the leakage until it’s already happened. Apparently this is completely normal, and it’s expected to happen off and on for a few more months. It’s gross and inconvenient, but that’s the state of affairs at the moment.

All right. Let us continue.

So I took my Uristat pill, got in the shower, tamed the pubic lion, and got back out. So far, so good. But then I looked down at the bathroom floor and saw a puddle of BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW PEE. Thank God I was alone. I used my (fortunately) black towel to quickly mop it up, and threw the offending towel right in the wash. “Whew!” I thought to myself. “Good thing that didn’t happen out in public!”

All right. Many of you know of the passionate summer love affair I am currently having with maxi-dresses. So after I wiped up my BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW PEE, I pulled one out of the closet. It was one of those that hit the floor in the back but are kind of scalloped up to the knee in the front. Here’s an actual factual picture of it if you can’t get a mental image going:

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If you don’t like how I’m posing, or the face I’m making, or the fact that my bed isn’t made, or the est. 1975 sticker on my phone, or my nail color, or my cleavage crack, feel free to decipher the “secret message” my right hand is sending to you.

So I slapped on the dress and slid into my flip-flops and off to the doctor I went. Yes, off to the doctor I went, without once asking myself: “Hmm. If there was a gigantic BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW puddle of piss on the bathroom floor, where else could it have gotten to?”

I discovered the answer once I got to the doctor’s office. I sat down and crossed my legs, which were visible to everyone due to the scalloped nature of the dress, and saw

TWO MASSIVE BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW STREAKS OF PISS AND URISTAT DYE RUNNING ALL THE WAY DOWN BOTH OF MY LEGS AND ALL OVER THE BOTTOMS OF MY FEET.

Holy shit.

I’m pretty sure the doctor noticed but I did my absolute best to hide it. When he asked me to give a urine specimen, I ran to the bathroom, ransacked it for baby wipes, and started scrubbing. But that Uristat dye is POTENT. After a few minutes and about a thousand baby wipes, I’d done the best job I could, but my legs were still stained. Particularly the bottoms of my feet, where apparently my skin is the consistency of dollar-store toilet paper and absorbs literally EVERY MOLECULE OF EVERYTHING.

I was mortified, but My Girl T told me to look at the bright side — “maybe it looked like sunless tanner.” I guess it did *sort of* look like that – if you could believe that a blind monkey with inexplicable access to self-tanner had for some reason smeared it down just the inside of my legs with a dying vibrator. I wasn’t sure that was any less embarrassing, but T’s response? “Better than pee.”

I GUESS.

Still, I have this suspicious feeling that the doctor and his gauntlet of bitchy nurses were under no delusion that the yellow streaks on my legs were sunless tanner. In fact, they’re probably somewhere laughing it up right now and telling hilarious stories about their gross weirdo patient “Ol’ Yellow Legs.”

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Photo credits: 
“Urine Sample”: James Heilman, MD – Own work. The characteristic color of urine after taking pyridium. CC BY-SA 3.0. File:Pyridiumurine.jpg. Uploaded by Doc James. Created: 11 May 2011

48 Replies to “yellow legs”

  1. I peed. I am sorry. Not that I peed but that I laughed. This is the sort of shit that happens to me. Welcome to my world.

  2. “The monkey with the dying vibrator” just about left me in a standing puddle. I love medical stories and you’re right. Those nurses were laughing their asses off. It’s hysterical! Don’t worry that schtuff wears off in a week or so! lol

  3. A) You rock, yellow legs and all!
    B) hope like hell everything was cool and your ovary hadn’t gone all zombie and begun attacking from the inside out.
    C) You rock!
    D) yellow is a festive color?

    1. A) Why thank you!
      B) It wasn’t my ovary at all, just an entrapped nerve under one of the interior stitches, they think. They gave me a shot.
      C) THANKS!
      D) For Bumblebee Day!

  4. Sometimes being a woman is just too outrageous. We always seem to have no control over anything our bodies put out – pee, blood, after sex drainage (always lovely), even milk from our breasts. Does it ever end? No. I understand it gets worse as we get older. So NOT looking forward to that! Hope your ovary is okay, Sarah. Saw the secret message, loved it, and your dress. Feel better, sweetie. 😀

    1. You are so right about being a woman. No control over anything our bodies put out, just embarrassing mishaps aplenty. My high school years were just a string of days with a sweater tied around my waist!

      Thanks for the well wishes! <3

  5. I made the mistake of taking a drink halfway through this post. Not a good idea. It was the line about the self-tanner.
    Other than that, please, please get well soon. Is there a greeting card for such situations?

  6. Can you have one of these accidents while you’re inverted or laying awkwardly or something? Because I’m just looking for an excuse to call you a “yellow bellied blogger” because I’d enjoy both the irony and the literalness of it.

    CAN’T STOP LAUGHING AT THE CRUSTY HOBO POPPING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!!

    1. I have no idea how it would even be possible for me to get BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW PEE on my stomach, but I’ll give it a go!

      (And you know the hobo would be crusty after being up there. Reeeaaallll crusty.)

  7. I have to recommend watching “Movie 43” (if you haven’t already) just so you can tell me how you’ve peed your panties laughing your ass off! 🙂

  8. Ok, so u just stumbled upon this story on FB, and would just like to take a quick second to thank Jesus himself for making that happen! YOURE A RIOT!! Totally made my morning!! And now, like a crackhead to his pipe, I NEED MOOORE!!! Keep it coming!! Happy Saturday!! xoxo

  9. It takes some serious talent to push such a tale of Complete and Utter Mortification into the realm of the truly hilarious.

    If only it were possible to write about such incidents without, you know, actually having to go through them. But life, I suppose, is not intended to be tidy.

  10. I don’t want to laugh but I’m sorry, the way you wrote this was so hilarious. Oh my gosh, I had red cheeks on your behalf haha!! Oh well, sod them. You rock those stained legs girl hahaha.

  11. Oh dear. I love you for sharing this. We are all some version of “ol’ yellow legs” at some time or other (even if it’s not literally having yellow legs). I was in the Knoxville, TN airport a million years ago in a big swirly skirt, and even though I checked VERY CAREFULLY before I left the restroom, a sweet older woman came over, at down next to me, and said very quietly, “Honey, your skirt’s caught up in your panty hose.” I said, “Oh THANK YOU for telling me,” and wrangled it free by squirming around a bit, and she said, “I just had to tell you, because it happened to me at church one time, and no one told me.” SERIOUSLY, WTF? And I was in the Knoxville airport, which was full of people I have never seen again, so I don’t care, but jesus that poor woman had to go back and face her church congregation the following week, knowing that they’d all gotten a good long look at her Hanes for Her. I think I would have switched religions.

  12. Thanks, I will! I didn’t know about her, but I’ll totally check her out. I can clean up my language–it’s not easy, but hell I do manage to carry on conversations with my grandmother, and I can’t swear around her, so I suppose I can manage it. Not fucking easy, though! 🙂

    1. THANKS! I don’t envy you the garage sale though. I don’t know where you are but it’s boiling hot here and nothing sounds less appealing than sitting in my driveway baking in the heat!! (But seriously, good luck! Make lots of money!)

  13. Omg finally getting to read this…you are hilarious. Loved your hand on hip while giving the bird stance, can I borrow that? I’d like to do that to my kids sometime! I am so sorry about your yellow legs but that is a great story and you tell it deliciously. Eww did I just say deliciously? I guess yellow legs make me hungry. And you make me laugh. 🙂

    1. Welcome Ashley! Oh, don’t worry, I give my kid the “double bird” behind his back all the time.

      Thanks for the compliments and stick around! It’s been kind of slow lately but it’s bound to pick up!

  14. Oh Lordy, woman! Hope you’re okay. Trying not to laugh at your pain, anguish and overall bright fucking orange yellow pee. Oh, who am I kidding? I laughed. You’re funny.

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