So a few days ago I started having some pain in what felt like my left ovary. Given the nature of my recent surgery, I thought that I should
maybe probably absolutely talk to the doctor about it. It took a few days for me to get past the gauntlet of nurses who always seem to take waaaaaay too much satisfaction in keeping me away from the doctor AT ALL COSTS, but I finally got an appointment with him yesterday morning.
Given the thatchy and overgrown state of my down-below, I thought that I should probably show the doctor a little consideration and attempt to whack back the weeds. I know, I know — gynecologists allegedly don’t care. They claim to be totally immune to the state of their patients’ nether regions, because blah blah clinical detachment and also they’ve “seen it all before.” And maybe that’s true. If a crusty 1950’s vagrant popped out of my vagina with a checkered handkerchief tied to a stick and a lengthy discourse on the ins and outs of the “hobo code,” my doctor would probably shrug and be all: “NBD.”
Nevertheless, I felt a nice long shower and some bush maintenance were in order.
Now. There’s two things you need to know before I go any further with this story:
1. I’d had a little bit of pain with urination when I woke up that morning, so I’d taken one of those Uristat pills that help your pee-hole feel better but also turn your piss BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW.
2. Since the surgery, I’ve had a lot of leakage. You know. Urine leakage. And sometimes I don’t even notice the leakage until it’s already happened. Apparently this is completely normal, and it’s expected to happen off and on for a few more months. It’s gross and inconvenient, but that’s the state of affairs at the moment.
All right. Let us continue.
So I took my Uristat pill, got in the shower, tamed the pubic lion, and got back out. So far, so good. But then I looked down at the bathroom floor and saw a puddle of BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW PEE. Thank God I was alone. I used my (fortunately) black towel to quickly mop it up, and threw the offending towel right in the wash. “Whew!” I thought to myself. “Good thing that didn’t happen out in public!”
All right. Many of you know of the passionate summer love affair I am currently having with maxi-dresses. So after I wiped up my BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW PEE, I pulled one out of the closet. It was one of those that hit the floor in the back but are kind of scalloped up to the knee in the front. Here’s an actual factual picture of it if you can’t get a mental image going:
So I slapped on the dress and slid into my flip-flops and off to the doctor I went. Yes, off to the doctor I went, without once asking myself: “Hmm. If there was a gigantic BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW puddle of piss on the bathroom floor, where else could it have gotten to?”
I discovered the answer once I got to the doctor’s office. I sat down and crossed my legs, which were visible to everyone due to the scalloped nature of the dress, and saw
TWO MASSIVE BRIGHT ORANGE FUCKING YELLOW STREAKS OF PISS AND URISTAT DYE RUNNING ALL THE WAY DOWN BOTH OF MY LEGS AND ALL OVER THE BOTTOMS OF MY FEET.
I’m pretty sure the doctor noticed but I did my absolute best to hide it. When he asked me to give a urine specimen, I ran to the bathroom, ransacked it for baby wipes, and started scrubbing. But that Uristat dye is POTENT. After a few minutes and about a thousand baby wipes, I’d done the best job I could, but my legs were still stained. Particularly the bottoms of my feet, where apparently my skin is the consistency of dollar-store toilet paper and absorbs literally EVERY MOLECULE OF EVERYTHING.
I was mortified, but My Girl T told me to look at the bright side — “maybe it looked like sunless tanner.” I guess it did *sort of* look like that – if you could believe that a blind monkey with inexplicable access to self-tanner had for some reason smeared it down just the inside of my legs with a dying vibrator. I wasn’t sure that was any less embarrassing, but T’s response? “Better than pee.”
Still, I have this suspicious feeling that the doctor and his gauntlet of bitchy nurses were under no delusion that the yellow streaks on my legs were sunless tanner. In fact, they’re probably somewhere laughing it up right now and telling hilarious stories about their gross weirdo patient “Ol’ Yellow Legs.”
“Urine Sample”: James Heilman, MD – Own work. The characteristic color of urine after taking pyridium. CC BY-SA 3.0. File:Pyridiumurine.jpg. Uploaded by Doc James. Created: 11 May 2011