my girl A: penny wise, tongue foolish

Today’s guest post is a Very Special Guest Post.

*lets that sink in for a moment*

Aaaand we’re back.

Yes, it is indeed a Very Special Guest Post because it is the FIRST AND ONLY guest post written by ONE OF MY REAL LIFE FRIENDS! Please welcome, cherish, and love up one of my actual factual besties: My Girl A!

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So. I’ve got this tiny Chihuahua named Penny. She has one blind eye, and she’s missing teeth on one side, so her tongue hangs out. She’s 11, and she doesn’t care about anything.

I’ve known her to whiz in plain sight of me as if to say “Look at this. LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE HERE.” Same goes for pooping, and the really sad part is THAT SHE HAS NO REASON. She knows full well how to receive “treatsies” – pee and poop outside! I even altered the back door so that she can do it at her leisure.

One day I noticed that Penny was scratching herself to the max. I tend to let her have longer toenails, because clipping them is very traumatic for her — she cries and shakes and is a general drama queen about the whole thing. Then, afterwards, she lays around on her back, giving me The Eye. (If I try and cheer her up, she climbs under my shirt, but verrrrrrry slowly, just to really ram the guilt and sadness home.)

I could see that scratching herself with those long-ass toenails was tearing her shit UP, so I made an appointment with the vet. It turned out that Penny had a skin infection. She received some kind of injection, had her nails clipped (how COULD you, MOTHER!?) and got a salve for her itchy areas. The receptionist also recommended I get Penny an itch-relieving “Hot Spot Spray,” apparently attainable at any pet store. We left, and I took my little chihuahua home to wallow.

Later I had some errands to run (Target, let me keep your lights on with ALL THE MONEY) so I figured that first I’d stop off at the pet store and have a look for the spray.

A very nice young gal showed me the extensive line they carried, and that made me feel better. There were so many of them that I realized this must be a common thing. She described the one I bought as being a “deterrent.” It was all natural, and organic – I could basically drink from the bottle, was what it sounded like she was saying.

So off I went to Target. It was pretty early in the morning, and it wasn’t open yet, so I stopped at McDonald’s for an iced coffee and a biscuit. By the time I got back to the parking lot, I only had about ten minutes left to wait. I opened the bag from PetSmart and had another look at the spray. I thought to myself: “This is all natural and organic and what not — I wonder what it tastes like.”

(Let me stop here for a moment and say that within my group of friends and family, I’m known as “The Taster.” I’ll taste or lick just about anything for a small fee or favor. My nieces and nephews go out of their way to try and bust me. But I’m a master, and will go the distance.)

So naturally I went ahead, sprayed some Hot Spot Spray on my finger, and… tasted it.

All hell broke loose. It was like Satan pissed in my mouth, and then shoved a ghost pepper in there just to teach me a lesson. I started drooling and began to sweat. I became fairly sure I was dying.

I had my McDonald’s biscuit, so I shoved that in my mouth Cookie Monster-style. But somehow the grease settled the Hot Spot Spray even deeper into my throat. I had my coffee next to me, so I took the lid off, opened my car door, and tried to rinse my mouth out, spitting onto the pavement, real classy like. No go.

I wished a silent RIP to myself.

By this time, I noticed people were filing into Target, and in my hysteria, I thought that I would just ask someone for some candy or gum. I ran up to the first woman I saw and asked her. She hustled away, not speaking to me, and I wished I had some Hot Spot Spray to blast in her face.

Then I went up to the service desk attendant and asked if he had any candy or gum. My excuse was that I was ill, and had a terrible taste in my mouth. He was happy to help!  He got his jacket, put his hand in, and pulled out 5 or so pieces of heavenly release for me. I grabbed them from him, and just as I was popping them into my mouth, the familiar scent hit my nose. But at that point it was too late. The damage was already done.

I had just received Red Hots, and I had no other choice but to fling myself off a cliff.

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A true connoisseur of all things Reddit, Tom Hardy, and Benedict Cumberbatch, My Girl A is one of the funniest people I know and I just love her so hard. Hopefully you’ll see more of her on est. 1975 in the future, but if you can’t wait until then, there’s a funny chat between me and her here.