suburban haiku: horrors of the pool

Today’s guest post is brought to you by the incomparable Peyton Price: fellow career refugee, comedy poet extraordinaire, and author of the hilarious book “Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence.

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(I don’t often pitch stuff on this site, but seriously? Go buy this book. It’s a trip. And adorable. Seriously. Go. Now.)

Any old hoo, est. 1975 is honored to be able to showcase a selection of Peyton’s renowned haikus, right here and right now. Read on to experience the horrors of the community pool… Suburban Haiku-style.

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It’s time to order
a new Land’s End bathing suit
I’ll never get wet.

I asked my husband
“I don’t look pregnant, do I?”
“WHY NOT? I LOOK OLD?!”

At the pool, it’s strange
to make small talk with neighbors
in almost no clothes.

Summer diet plan:
Do not eat any ice cream
in front of thin moms.

It’s quite bad enough
to see young moms in swimsuits.
But au pairs?! Oy vey!

Favorite pool games:
“Is she fatter than I am?”
and “Do those look real?”

The swim-shirted man
is checking out a lady
in a ruffled suit.

Solution! Caftan!
How many free hamburgers
equals the pool fee?

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Peyton Price is the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her doing hard time inside the pool fence, and at suburbanhaiku.com. Her work can also be found on BLUNTmoms.