“professional”

An actual email that I just sent to my husband (I do his expense reports for him):

“Okay sweetheart,

This is the latest iteration of your expense report.

It should cover all of your business expenses through today.

LOVE YOU
SUBMIT THIS SO WE CAN GET REIMBURSED!

<3 <3 <3

You have tight buns
S.”

more about me

A long long LONG time ago, a certain Daddy Anarchy gifted me with what is known in blogging circles as the Liebster Award (you can read his original post here, and I highly recommend you do, because he funny and shit.)

The Liebster Award is a neat sort of chain-letter thing that helps writers of newer and/or smaller blogs to discover each other and get some exposure. You can find a nice summary of “the rules” here but essentially this is what’s going to happen next:

1. I’m going to tell you 11 “interesting” facts about myself.
2. I’m going to answer the 11 questions Daddy Anarchy asked me in his post.
3. I’ll nominate 5 other newish/smallish blogs for the award.
4. I’ll ask the writers of those blogs 11 new questions.
5. I’ll include the Liebster Award logo so y’all can see how pretty it is.

Ready? Here we go!

11 “Interesting” Facts about Myself

1. I have three tattoos. A dragon on my left thigh, a cross on my left shoulder, and a cross on my upper right butt cheek. They are all black and have faded pretty badly over time, giving them a vaguely “I got these tattoos in prison from a meth addict with a Bic pen” look. If I had money I would fix them, but I don’t.

2. My favorite city in the world is Edinburgh. You’ve heard of it, right? The capital of Scotland? Or do I need to go all Eddie Izzard “do you KNOW there’s other countries?” on your ass?

3. Speaking of Edinburgh: Once when I was visiting there, I ate a shit ton of haggis and then accidentally burped into my husband’s mouth while kissing him. He was completely disgusted and almost threw up, but that didn’t stop me from laughing about it for close to thirty minutes.

4. My favorite city in the world *used* to be London. But the last time I was there some rich woman (“posh cunt”) ran her stroller (“pram”) over my foot (“foot”) which promptly caused my toenail to turn black and fall off. So it’s not my favorite city anymore.

5. My nose is the shape of an arrowhead.

6. Some random things I hate: Ryan Air. Slimy boogers. Stomach flu. When my feet get hot and sweaty. The smell of Diaper Genie. Puke burps. When good television shows get cancelled. People who apologize for stuff only because they got caught doing it. When cats sneeze in your face/mouth.

6. I’m epileptic. And proud of it. If there was an Epileptic Pride parade, you can bet your sweet seizure I’d be spearheading that thing in my town.

7. Stuff I think is cool about my son: He is fluent in Spanish. He is 6 and already reading the Chronicles of Narnia. He’s seen me have a seizure and didn’t lose his shit. He is amazing at every sport he tries. He is currently listening to “Back in the USSR” on his radio.

8. The best thing I cook is chicken and pasta in a white thyme-mint cream sauce.

9. Some random skills that I possess: The ability to crack an egg into a bowl with one hand without getting any shell in there. The ability to shuffle cards in “bridge” formation. The ability to always lose to my sister in Scrabble.

10. My favorite part of going to the pool is treading water in the shallow end and chatting with the old ladies.

11. And last, but not least: I did NOT poop on the delivery table.

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Good stuff, right? Now it’s time for:

Answers to Daddy Anarchy’s 11 Questions

1. Who is your favorite author? Irvine Welsh, without a doubt.

2. Who’s your biggest hero? Right now, my friend A is my biggest hero. The last twelve months have brought more shit down on her than any mother could ever imagine, and she is still going strong. <3 you Miss A.

3. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be? My double chin. Fo sho. Even if I started eating right (I won’t) and exercising (nope) I still wouldn’t be able to do anything about that stupid chin.

4. Leno or Letterman? (and don’t be a smartass and say “Leno’s not on anymore” or “what about Conan, or the other guys?”) They’re both douchebags but I’ll go with classic Letterman.

5. Have you ever mixed french fries with a Wendy’s Frosty? No.

6. Now that I’ve introduced you to mixing french fries with Frosty’s, will you try it? Barf.

7. Favorite 80s hair metal ballad? November Rain, Guns N’ Roses.

8. If you were a comic strip character, who would it be? Opus from Bloom County. He’s fat, funny, gets pimples, and likes to wear black.

9. In the next 30 seconds, name as many different words for “ass.” Go! Butt. Buns. Bum. Arse. Buttocks. Booty. Can. Uh… Back Door. Erm… *goes blank* *tries to think of the lyrics to “I Like Big Butts” by Sir Mix-a-Lot* *goes blank again* Um. I think I fail this test.

10. Team Edward or Team Jacob? *disdainful blink*

11. What, if any, stereotypes do you fall into? Sexy Housewife. Except without the “sexy” part.

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All right, that was super fun. And now I’m going to nominate 5 bloggers to answer some questions of my own. Without further ado, I nominate:

1. Brooke at http://missteenussr.com
2. Canadian Expat Mom at http://www.canadianexpatmom.com
3. Kris at http://krisonfitness.com
4. Lori at http://lorikurtzman.com
5. Angyla/Angila at http://detachedfromlogic.com

Here are Your 11 Questions

1. What is, in your opinion, the dumbest competitive sport?
2. Name your three favorite classic rock bands.
3. What is the lamest Dirty Little Secret you have? (Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone will tell everyone.)
4. Sexiest part of a man?
5. Sexiest part of a woman?
6. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
7. Which canceled television show would you have reinstated to the air in a heartbeat?
8. Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston? You can’t choose both, as much as I know I’d like to. I mean you. As much as I know YOU’d like to.
9. One of my neighbors is having a super loud, bass-thumping block party right now. If you were me, would you a) stab, b) shoot, or c) strangle?
10. Worst song that you love?
11. What popular character on television do you absolutely DETEST and why?

And that’s it! Hope you enjoyed reading some “interesting” facts about me, and if you did, there’s absolutely no better way to show it than to hop on over to my sidebar and SUBSCRIBE! Also, I *highly* recommend reading the blogs I nominated for the Liebster Award. I love them all and SO. WILL. YOU.

OR ELSE.

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