return of husbandisms

Me: “I feel like I didn’t get any sleep even though I did.”
Him: “Me too.”
Me: “Maybe it’s the weather.”
Him: “Yeah, maybe it’s the weather. Or your fault.”

Me: “It’s okay for you to have opinions but you can’t force them on other people.”
Him: “I know. But when I’m emperor I will.”

Husband walks by with a tennis racket. I notice he is wearing our son’s tennis headband, which is way too small for my husband’s head and is squeezed on so tight all of his hair is popping out the top.
Me: “Really?”
Him: “…what?”
Me: “…”
Him: “…”
Me: “…”
Him: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” *walks away*

Him: “The thing about tennis is that it makes my arm too muscly.”

I ask him to download Game of Thrones.
Him (later): “What show am I supposed to be downloading again? King of Dongs?”

Him: “The download will be done in thirteen minutes.”
Him: “Twelve minutes.”
Him: “I’ll give you an update every minute.”

Me: “Hey, look at that hot healthy chick running down the beach.”
Him: “I prefer my Sarah. My busted ass lady.”

6yo: “My friend has a phone. It’s an Apple one. I saw it.”
Me: “Good for him.”
6yo: “When will *I* get a phone?”
Me: “Not till you’re much older.”
6yo: “When? What age?”
Husband: “34.”


And here’s a bonus son-ism. Because I can.

During the middle of a restaurant meal, my son sticks his arms in the air for no reason.
Me: “Why are you doing that?”
6yo: “I just remembered I needed to air out my armpits.”