the sunshine award of my life

sunshine award
No, this is not me. I am not a hairless skinny dude who likes self-tanner and gay sun tattoos.

Last week I had the amazing fortune to be tagged in a “Sunshine Award” blog post by the beautiful and gluten-free Brooke over at Miss Teen USSR. Well, as you might imagine, I was absolutely thrilled. My blood pressure soared. My adrenaline coursed. My butthole quivered. I’d never won a thing in my entire life and here I was getting a Sunshine Award?! *gasp*

Yeah, I didn’t know what it was either.

BUT. I was educated soon enough. According to the lovely Jess at Aesthetic Fauna, “a Sunshine Award is FBBB (for bloggers, by bloggers) and a way to recognize people who have charmed, supported, enlightened, and inspired the awarder in recent months.”

“Charmed”? “Enlightened”? “Inspired”?

BROOKE, DO YOU EVEN *READ* THIS BLOG?!

I KID, of course. Thank you so much, Brooke. You know I appreciate it. Here, I even made you this picture to show you my thanks:

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So. As a Sunshine Award Recipient™ it now falls upon me to answer a series of eight questions, which in my case have been chosen by Brooke of Miss Teen USSR. Then, in a bloggy tag-you’re-it kind of way, I will then ask a series of eight questions to some other Sunshine Award recipients. And so it goes.

Read on if you’re fascinated enough with me to be excited about my answers to these questions!

1. What’s the one book you always freak out about and demand your friends read? Over the past couple of years, it’s been House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. Yeah, I know it’s pretentious. You wanna box me?

2. You have $100 in your wallet. Where do you go to eat? Where sushi is.

3. Your choice: flying cars or hoverboards? Flying cars fo sho. Hoverboards still seem suspiciously like exercise.

4. What’s the one thing your partner does that makes DIVORCE flash behind your eyes? Leaves sopping wet coffee-stained paper towels that are also somehow covered with burnt toast crumbs in the kitchen sink. Manscapes in the bathroom and doesn’t clean it up. Puts me on video chat with his parents when I look like something a zombie would classify as “ew.” Asks me to “just give him a handy” when I’m too tired for sex. Oh, did you say just *one* thing?

5. Best time of day to be productive – early morning or late at night? Late at night, mama.

6. I am of the belief that all jeans require a belt. If you agree, you may move to the next question. If you disagree, you need to make a very good argument for it. I disagree, mainly because I have a big belly and with certain pairs of jeans a belt has the unfortunate effect of bifurcating my midsection and making it look like I have two guts. You know. One above the belt and one below. Now, I will say that this does not happen with ALL pairs of jeans, but it does happen with some. I think that’s a decent argument.

7. You fling your covers off the bed and there is a ____ on your pillow that makes you shriek long and hard. What is it? A FUCKING STINKBUG. They are *everywhere* here. EVERYWHERE. And they’re like wizards. They can appear out of nowhere. Seriously, there will not be a stinkbug for MILES and then the next minute one is just hanging out on your shoulder. I HATE THEM SO MUCH.

8. If you have children: knowing FULL WELL that there is a HUGE chance it could go HORRIBLY wrong, if your child wants to pursue a career in show business, do you help them? Gah. I have no idea. I hope it doesn’t come to that, because I would be really torn as to the right thing to do. I am sort of dreading the “Mom, can I go out for football?” conversation for similar reasons.

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All righty. Now it’s my turn to tag people for their own Sunshine Awards (though I’m not going to tag anyone who is also currently in the middle of doing one for Brooke.) I hereby nominate:

Megan from The Poll Vault

Kelly from Foxy Wine Pocket

Kate from Can I Get Another A Bottle of Whine?

Rhonda from Bitch & Whine

Kris from Kris on Fitness

Your mission is to answer the following questions:

1. What one thing ALWAYS makes you laugh… even though you’re totally not supposed to find it funny?

2. Give up forever: nail polish, make-up, or shape wear? You have to choose one.

3. What’s your comfort food? Like the thing you *really* go to town on when you’re depressed?

4. What’s the one pop culture item you remember from your childhood that makes you feel the oldest?

5. What’s something you wish a significant other or family member would STOP BUYING FOR YOU and why?

6. What’s your grossest habit? If you’re too shy to say, tell us the grossest habit of someone you know (you don’t have to tell us who.)

7. Worst joke you know?

8. What do you hope to achieve with the investment of your time, effort, and money into blogging? Do you see an endgame? Or are you just going to do it as long as it tickles your fancy?

All right, beautiful bitches! Start writing!