meet the son

It’s been a long week.

As a lot of you know, it’s either feast or famine when it comes to freelance work, and this week was the first time in a while that I found myself with multiple projects and back-to-back deadlines. Not that I’m complaining because *cha-ching* but the extra work did make the days seem to go on forever. And being stuck indoors with my son for two days certainly didn’t help the work get done faster or the time go quicker. *shakes fist* Damn you, snow daaaaays!

Anyway, the short of the long is I’m sad to say I don’t have much blog material on offer this week. I’m going to try and write something of “quality” in the next couple of days, but in the meantime I’ll throw you a bone. A half-ass post to get you through at least a few sips of coffee. A McDonald’s breakfast sandwich. Maybe three quarters of a poop.

And not really a surprise! It’s going to be one of those posts. Where I just list a bunch of “hilarious” things my son has said and then expect you to laugh at them. WELL, THEY ARE HILARIOUS. AND I DO EXPECT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM. Because my son is basically just a 6 year old version of me, and I am an absolute stitch.

Here we go!

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6yo: “These Legos won’t go together.”
Me: “It’s because you have tiny fingers.”
6yo: “ARE YOU JUDGING HOW I PUT LEGOS TOGETHER?”

Me: “Do you want to go look in the mirror and see how you look?”
6yo: “I already know how I look. Fabulous.”

Me: “It wouldn’t be too fun to be a cow in the winter.”
6yo: “Yeah, they have to stay outside in the cold.”
Me: “Yeah.”
6yo: “If I were a cow, I would stay in the barn.”
Me: “Me too.”
6yo: “I would just sit there and lay eggs all day.”
Me: “…”

6yo: “Why do you type so fast?”
Me: “I just learned when I was little.”
6yo: (tries to type fast) (writes “ksjdfskdjhfskjd”): “See?! I don’t even know what that means.”

Me: “You know you don’t have to talk ALL the time.”
6yo: “Of course I do.”

6yo: “I want to be a saint and live in a church.”
Me: “Oh? What three miracles would you perform?”
6yo: “One: I would bring a dead person back to life. Two: I would make a blind person able to see again. Three: If someone’s ice cream fell off their cone, I would magically make it go back on the cone.”

6yo: “How big is a king’s poop?”
Me: “I don’t know…?”
6yo: “Then we better go to a castle and find out.”

6yo farts.
Me: “Excuse you.”
6yo: “Excuse YOU.”
Me: “Why? That fart didn’t come out of my butt.”
6yo: “It DID come out of your butt.” (walks away)

6yo: “Look, it’s Serena Williams!”
Me: “Oh, I think she’s just beautiful.”
6yo: “I know why you think she’s beautiful.”
Me: “Uh… why?”
6yo: “Because she has big boobs.”

Me: “Do you have to pee?”
6yo: “Nah. Just checkin’ my balls.”
Me: “…”

Me: “Why are your underpants on backwards?”
6yo: “I like them like this.”
Me: “Let’s turn them around.”
6yo: “No, I want them like this!”
Me: “But…”
6yo (runs out of room): “Sorry, I already left.”

6yo (drinking some milk): “I’m pretending this is Miller.”

6yo: “I’m sorry I called you ugly.”
Me: “Thank you. But why did you say that? Do you really think I’m ugly?”
6yo: “No.”
Me: “Good.”
6yo: “But you ARE fat.”

6yo: “I had to take a booger out of my nose. It was getting in the way of my sniff.”

Me: “I don’t want you opening that big wooden chest by yourself, you could hurt your fingers.”
6yo: “Why don’t you hurt *your* fingers?”
Me: “Because I’m a little bit bigger and it’s easier for me to open.”
6yo: “Because you have a lot of toenails?”
Me: “…”

6yo: “Why are you putting lotion on your face?”
Me: “So I don’t look like an old woman.”
6yo: “HA HA HA! Very very funny. Ha ha ha!”

And he just dropped this casually racist gem about two hours ago”

Playmobil Figure #1: “Hello there. Are you an Indian?”
Playmobil Figure #2: “I am an *American* Indian.”
Playmobil Figure #1: “You’re not going to throw a spear at me, are you?”

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Hope you at least chuckled. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon. I hope.