Dear Readers of the Makeup Wearing Variety:
Do you find putting on a whole face of cake to be too much work? Do you wish you could cut your time at the vanity table in half? Do you wish you knew some helpful tips and tricks for those times when you’re hung over, running thirty minutes late, and/or incapable of pulling yourself out of the crippling abyss of depression?
In short — do you want to look good, but not actually that good?
Then you’ve come to the right place.
I’ve compiled a list of “helpful” makeup tips that you can use any time you need to be presentable but not particularly attractive. Consider the look you will achieve with these tips to be something along the lines of: “Yeah. I took a few minutes to put myself together. Not long enough to actually look that great, though. Because then it would seem like I care. Which I don’t. Enjoy.”
Let’s get started!
TIP #1. Haven’t had the time to deal with your ladystache? No problem! Take your trusty tweezers and just pluck out the 3 really dark hairs at each corner of your lips. Then cover the rest up with 10 pounds of concealer. You’re welcome.
TIP #2. Haven’t had the time to deal with your eyebrows? Not to worry! Take your trusty tweezers, look at them with disgust, toss them aside, and whip out some white or off-white eye shadow. Use this as a base on the area above your eyelids, and it will go a long way to conceal those revolting little eyebrow hairs that start worming their way out of your upper lid area .001 seconds after you’ve paid $30 for a wax.
TIP #3: Too much hassle to apply and reapply lipstick all day? Whatever. Just fill your whole lip in with lip liner. Then apply Chapstick over the top, or Carmex if you want to smell like a greasy hospital. Aaaand done!
TIP #4: Spending way too much time on your fancy, expensive eyeshadow palettes? Why bother spending 25 minutes creating the perfect “smoky eye” or “neutral eye” or “rosy butthole” (that’s a thing, right?) when you can just smash all the colors together in 20 seconds and call it good?
TIP #5: Drag queens are amazing with contouring, but it looks like it takes forever! Forget the queens. Just do this 15 second trick. Take an overly dark blush (I think the kids call them “bronzers” these days) and paint a “3” on the left edge of your face — from forehead to cheekbone to chin. Then do a reverse “3” on the right edge. Voila! Don’t forget to blend or else you really will look like a drag queen. Which, if you’re not a drag queen, isn’t cute.
TIP #6: I just don’t have the patience for primer, BB cream, concealer, highlighter, foundation, powder, and blush. Girl, nobody does. Just stick some concealer on your eye bags and biggest zits, then dust off your nose with powder. “Contour” as instructed in Tip #5 and then add a little blush to the apples of your cheeks. It won’t look fabulous, but it will look
decent fine serviceable meh.
Now you’re done! You’ve saved so much time and energy! And you look… okay. Which can actually be a good thing. Liberating. Practical. Especially if you’re not looking for romantic attention, the approval of people prettier than you, a leg up at your job, the grudging respect of your sexual competition, the occasional flirtation with your barista, special treatment in restaurants, free drinks in bars and nightclubs, or, you know. Compliments.
Hope this helped!