meet the husband

So. I thought it only fair to write an intro post for my husband, since I plan on writing a lot about him, and mostly in an exploitative manner because he says and does a lot of funny shit.

English is my husband’s second language, and when we met twelve years ago, he was still getting his mind around the nuances of American vernacular. That’s a nice way of saying his English was super awkward and formal, and as a result his sense of humor came across as basically nonexistent. But he is gorgeous and I am shallow, so it wasn’t a deal breaker.

Over time, and much to my delight, my husband became more and more comfortable with American colloquial speech. And the sense of humor that he’d always had, but was unable to effectively express in English, started to rear its hilarious head.

It was like winning the lottery after I’d already discovered a gold mine. A sexy gold mine. With a Spanish accent.

Now it is many years later and I can hardly remember a time when my husband didn’t crack me the hell up, and I want to share the husband funny with you. So here’s a taste. Wet your whistle. There’s plenty more to come.

Him: *bonks me on the head with his penis*
Me: That totally felt like a hot dog.
Him: It ain’t called a wiener ‘cuz it looks like a bun.

Him: You’ve got a ton of cleavage showing, but your boobs are actually looking very well contained.
Me: Well, I’m wearing an awesome bra.
Him: Bra-vo.

Him: I think Father Winter is here.
Me: Father Winter?
Him: Yup.
Me: I think you mean Old Man Winter.
Him: Nope.
Me: Or Father Christmas.
Him: Nope.
Me: Okay…
Him: You have them confused.

Me: If anything happened to you, I don’t know what I’d do.
Him: What if I died? *pretends to be dead*
Me: Wow, it’s amazing how you’re still moving and breathing after you’re dead.
Him: Well, it takes a while.

Him: *on the phone* Are you naked?
Me: No.
Him: The answer to that question is yes. No matter when, no matter where.
Me: Oh.
Him: Let’s try again. Are you naked?
Me: Oh…um. Yes.
Him: GET SOME CLOTHES ON, WOMAN!

Him: Look what I got! Scratch-offs! You can scratch them off if you want.
Me: I don’t want to scratch them off. That was a waste of two dollars.
Him: Fine. When I win millions of dollars, you can’t have any.
Me: Fine.
Him: *scratches them off, loses* You owe me two dollars.

Him *to our son*: Mama has to pick up the cat from the doctor so it can come home and pee in our bed.

Him: I never get sex.
Me: Dude. I just offered yesterday.
Him: But then I reminded you that I hadn’t showered in two days and you were like… *makes a noise like thwip thwip thwip*
Me: What is THAT supposed to mean?
Him: It’s the sound of your vagina flying away.

Him: *looking at some expensive merchandise* What are these things made of, gold and human balls?

That’s all the husband funny I have for now…hope you enjoyed it. And don’t worry. There will be more.

Oh, yes. There will be more.